


I Give You My Heart

by Es_Aitch



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-24
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-04-23 03:47:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 49,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4861817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Es_Aitch/pseuds/Es_Aitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes the TARDIS over a thousand years to replicate what The House had accomplished by infusing her Matrix into a human body.  If her plan succeeded, the body she created for herself would be able to sustain her for far longer than he had done.  This is neither a reworking nor a continuation of my other story, “Heart of the TARDIS.”  Although, some elements I liked too much to leave out of this story so those have been changed, adapted, and hopefully improved.</p><p>**SPOILERS** through "Husbands of River Song"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Some time in the Doctor’s distant future….

The Doctor ran his hands through his salt and pepper hair as the TARDIS parked herself in a little corner of Hampstead Heath.

When he had sealed all the cracks in time back in his previous body, the Cardiff Rift had also been closed. But then he had to be arrogant enough to try to save Gallifrey by effectively using a Time Ram. It was the only explanation for why the Crack had been able to appear again in Christmas. The problem was, he did not know if that was the only rift to reopen or not. He assumed new ones had probably been created, but the rifts best for refuelling? He had no idea where those existed. So now when he visited a planet, especially Earth, if he had no plans, he let the TARDIS materialise wherever she pleased. She had a better sense of where she might be able to refuel or recharge than he did. It had been unfortunate to lose the Cardiff Rift, because now refuelling could take hours or days instead of mere seconds.

He had been installing some software patches and a fair bit of rewiring, so he was on his own. It was always best to perform the test runs when he and the TARDIS were the only ones to suffer if anything went seriously wrong. Besides, most of the things related to the TARDIS, he could never properly explain to his companions. 

This part of the Heath was not visited often and given the surrounding brush; the TARDIS looked more like a garden shed made to look like a police box. For the first time in many years, she was disguised perfectly. At first the Doctor was a little annoyed, but he thought he knew what she was trying to do: remind him that visiting Earth was not always about needing to save it every time he came.

The Doctor was walking around the Heath, just people watching. Sometimes he wondered what others thought of this face of his. He had called it ‘furious’ when he had first seen it, but the longer he wore it, the more he realised that it was simply a face that expressed how long he had lived and everything he had faced in that time. Over the years, he had learned that he could laugh and be happy – even with this furious face.

He sometimes enjoyed watching the Earthlings, but it was not long before he was tired of it. What he loved more than anything was travelling. He returned to the TARDIS and tried to get her to take him somewhere else. But she would not budge. The TARDIS had been tetchy the past few days and he could not understand why. She would travel, take him where he wanted or needed to go, but she limited his tinkering. She had not let him change anything once they landed here. That was forty-eight hours ago. Even her connection to his mind was quieter than usual. It was almost as if she was cutting him off. And he did not like it. Not. One. Bit.

He huffed and his Scottish brogue sounded in the console room. “You want to rest, is that it? I don’t understand why you feel you need to rest so much these days, but fine. I’ll just go find something to do, let me know when you’re ready.”

He was in one of his chairs reading. Next to tinkering with the TARDIS, it was probably his favourite pastime between trips. But a part of his brain was always thinking, planning, solving. And right now, the mystery of the day was the TARDIS. He could not understand why she was behaving so strangely. He shook his head and returned to his book. It might have been minutes or hours later, but suddenly there was a loud ‘ding’ that resounded through the entire TARDIS. He grinned. “Well I did tell you to let me know when you were ready.”

The Doctor marked his place in his book, set it aside, threw himself out of his chair, and made his way to the console. He leaned in and whispered, “Where are we going this time?”

He threw the handbrake and nothing happened. He scowled as he set the break back. Then he made a few adjustments and threw it again. Again, nothing happened. “Oh, that’s just not fair! You went, ‘Ding!’ So, we’re supposed to go now.”

Suddenly, the sounds of the universe surrounded him. It was louder than he had ever heard it. There was a terrifying wind and golden streams of Huon particles made their way from everywhere in the room: the console, the time rotor, the roundels, the turning mechanisms at the top, even from the very walls. The Doctor spoke to the room, “That’s just not possible!”

For a brief moment, the particles danced around him, almost as if caressing him. It was a familiar presence, although he could not place it. He closed his eyes and for a moment let himself be immersed in the experience. “This is _really_ not possible.”

Finally, the Doctor slowly opened one eye and then another. He was alone again. He looked around the room he was standing in. All the lights were on as expected, but they were all a little dimmer – as if some of the life in them had faded away. He searched the area to see if he could tell where the particles had gone. Through the holes in the floor, he noticed the base of the rotor was glowing brighter than everywhere else. He cautiously made his way down the stairs.

When the Doctor got to the lower level, he noticed one of the cubicles was glowing brighter than the rest. He took out his sonic screwdriver and did a quick scan. He did not like what the readings told him. There were signs of life coming from the cubicle. Signs of the Huon particles he would believe, but _life_? No. “And we’ve just crossed into the realm of the impossible.”

The glow grew brighter and the lid rattled up and down, making a loud banging noise. The Doctor was properly concerned now. Never in his long years had he ever experienced anything quite like this. Not while on the TARDIS. The Doctor thought to himself, “ _Okay, there was that thing with Donna, but that was_ nothing _like this. Well, maybe a_ little _like this_.”

The banging stopped and the glow faded as well, but the Huon Particles did not return to the rest of the ship. The Doctor waited a few moments but there was only silence. The entire ship was far quieter than she had been in many years. He slowly approached the cubby that had been rattling before. He scanned the area with his sonic again. In the quite of the ship, the buzzing noise was much louder than he expected. He checked the readings. It was still showing signs of life, which he simply could not understand. Sure there were lots of living things aboard the TARDIS – the ship herself was alive, but he was getting readings of a creature. He could not get any clearer readings than that.

Suddenly, the lid flipped up and remained open. He saw human-looking fingers and hands make their way over the edge. Then he saw a mass of dark and very curly hair. It reminded him a bit of Mel’s hair, only a darker shade of red – almost brown. Slowly a forehead and face came into view. The being had very slight eyebrows, like his most recent body. The face was squarish, much like Vicki’s had been.

The eyes were what caught his attention next. They had a slight outer ring of blue-grey, like the ocean on a cloudy day; then a wide ring of green, but it was a colour similar to prairie grass – different shades of greens, yellows and even specks of gold could be seen - and that part even seemed to shimmer, the way prairie grass would change under the command of the wind; then there was a ring of blue, that reminded him of the Eastern sky as the sun set in the West; and finally the deep blackness of a pupil, someone could get lost in there, since there was a timelessness about it.

The Doctor felt like he should be able to recognize the owner of the eyes. But he could not. Still, there was something familiar in them. If he were completely honest with himself, it was a bit like looking into the Untempered Schism. That was an unsettling thought. What creature could manifest itself in such a way to make him think of _that_?

The Doctor pulled his attention back to the being’s overall form. There was a substance that shimmered over every part of the body he could see. It seemed to have a slick quality to it like petroleum jelly. It was almost as if the Huon particles were going through a solidification process. No… not the Huon particles. Something else. Something he should know, but could not remember.

Slowly, the being was starting to stand. It was entirely naked, which he supposed if it had just been created or born, that would make sense. If nothing else, it was _new_ and quite wobbly on its legs. It stared at its hands, completely engrossed in the concept.  Then it looked over its entire self, touching the different parts of its body, as if surprised it had a body at all.  Finally, it spoke, “I—i---it-t-t-t w-w-wor—k-k-ked!” 

The words were spoken in Universal Basic Language. The voice was slightly high-pitched and going by the other attributes he could see, the Doctor was going to guess the creature was female. She seemed startled by her own voice and her hands found their way to her throat and chest. She made different noises as if testing out her voice. She seemed to revel in the idea of having a voice as well. For a while, she stood there, making different sounds and occasionally speaking random words as if trying to make sure she had a language at all. The entire time, she was using the same UBL.

Ultimately, she again became engrossed in herself. This time, she named the parts of her body as she felt them: “Hands, flesh, a voice.”  She placed a hand over her chest, “A heart!” 

Finally, her attention came to the Doctor. In English, she spoke just one word. “Pilot!”

Something about the way she spoke that word sent shivers up the Doctor’s spine. “I’m many things, but I’m not sure ‘pilot’ is a good descriptor.”

She spoke in Gallifreyan, “Few would argue with that statement. Yet, it is how I have grown to know you best.”

She made to climb out of the cubby, but did not quite make it over the edge and ended up falling. She was now lying at an angle with her head and chest on the ground; feet in the air; legs balanced against the side of the cubby. She groaned softly. Unknowingly, she changed languages. She spoke Sycoraxic, “I did not do that properly.”

The Doctor was frozen in place, taking in all that he was witnessing. He did a quick calculation in his head and realised she was about the same height as Susan, maybe a little shorter. That was hard to imagine – given Susan’s lack of height.

He heard her groan again as she attempted to move. Finally, the Doctor snapped out of whatever trance he had been in. He opened another cubby and found a blanket, which he draped around the – woman? Then he scanned her with the sonic. Nothing seemed damaged. He helped her to get her legs on the ground and made sure the blanket was tucked comfortably around her. He did not actually touch her. He always made sure to have the blanket covering the slime that covered her. This was strange and until he knew what was going on, he did not want to touch her directly.

The creature tilted her head so she could look at the Doctor. Now she spoke using Mandarin, “You are frightened of me. Why?”

He shook his head. When he spoke, he used UBL. “I’m not frightened. I don’t know who or what you are.”

Her gaze turned more intense – if that was possible. She again switched languages. This time it was Latin. “You witnessed my creation and my birth. You know who I am. I am…. I am,” she was obviously struggling to find a word to use to describe or name herself, “I am cold.”

The Doctor continued with UBL. Obviously, what ever was happening caused the translation circuit to fail. “Well, lying on the floor naked will do that.”

She scowled at him. This time she spoke Sevateem, “Do I have a choice?”

“I’ll help you to the medbay.”

The Doctor figured at least there, he could put her in isolation until he knew who or what she was. He helped her to stand and supported her as they walked towards the medical bay. He tried to send a message to the TARDIS to relocate it so that it would be closer to their location.

That was when he realised that he could not sense her at all. Pulling away from him was silly, but this reaction was concerning. Luckily, the room was not too far away. Once they entered, he settled her on one of the beds, and made sure she was covered with the blanket. He pulled a monitor over and started to run a scan. While that was happening, he moved around the room to gather some supplies. When he came back to the monitor, he noticed that the scan had not been completed. In fact, the monitor was blank. He smacked the side of it. “Come on, it’s not that hard, just work.”

The woman in the bed answered him in Balhoonian. “There is insufficient power.”

He looked down at her with a raised eyebrow. “How do you know?”

The reply came in a Varosic dialect. “It is obvious.”

“This is an old ship. Nothing’s obvious.”

She sighed and let him continue to try to get the scan to work. When nothing seemed to change, he gave up and started to use the hand instruments. They would not be able to give him as much detail as he desired, but they would be able to confirm at least some basic information for him. The more scans he ran, the more panicked he became. He muttered various things under his breath as he tried to piece together all the information he was given. She did not make sense. Not in any way. She was a biological impossibility.

Finally he looked at her and demanded, “What are you? And let’s stick to UBL. You’re giving me a headache.”

She tilted her head, considering him for a moment before responding. She spoke in the language he suggested. “You have performed every scan available to you. Work it out.”

He shook his head. “All of the information together leads to something that is utterly impossible.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Clearly not impossible. Work it out.”

He huffed. “Fine. Impossibility one: You only have one heart, but the rest of your system is bi-vascular. Impossibility two: The readings suggest that you are comprised of Huon Particles. Deadly to most humanoid creatures, Gallifreyans included, but you have a humanoid form. Impossibility three: You also give off coral readings from the planet Anthozoa, that planet was lost in the Time War and to my knowledge there is only one remnant that remains in the whole universe. Now. What. Are. You?”

“You have all the pieces, now put them together. Start with the last one rather than the first.”

He stared at her for a long time. He was running calculations in his head, trying to make sense of all the readings. He left her lying where she was. There was one of many chalkboards in the corner of the room and he started to write out the information in his Gallifreyan script. He did as she instructed and started with the last piece of information. The remnant of coral from Anthozoa that remained was the TARDIS – in her natural state - what she was before she was mature enough to be conjoined with the mechanics. The Huon particles – well he had seen them conglomerate – and they too were linked with the TARDIS. Finally, there was her physical form – her single heart with a bi-vascular system. After scribbling on the board for a few more minutes trying to work the last piece of the puzzle, he returned to her side. “You got the physical part a bit wrong, didn’t you?”

She was not sure he was accepting yet what was happening. She shrugged a little. “I was only in flesh form that one time and it was so fragile that remembering all of it was difficult. I got distracted during the assembly process.”

“Distracted?”

She nodded. Her voice was soft when she finally spoke again. “I did not know which form you would appreciate more: Time Lord or Human.”

The Doctor’s eyebrows shot up. He had at one time said they could take off bottle tops and this might be a time when that could have been the literal truth. He backed away from her and shook his head in disbelief. He looked back to his chalkboard and back at the creature lying on the bed. He almost could not speak. When he finally collected himself, he could only utter one word. “How?”

“The House.”


	2. Chapter 2

The Doctor cocked his head. “That’s not a complete answer. Start at the beginning.”

She made to sit up; the blanket fell slightly and reminded him that she was still naked. He held up a hand before she could speak. He shook his head and spoke first. “No. Let’s get you clean and dressed first. Keep the blanket wrapped around you. I have a feeling the ship is going to grow cold and who knows how far away the wardrobe is.”

She offered a small impish grin. “Out the doors, take a right, at the ‘T-intersection’, take a left, first door on the right.”

The Doctor scowled at her, but helped her to stand. Now that he knew that she was comprised of coral from Anthozoa, he was going to have to be very cautious. The sap from such plants was deadly to most other species and he had no idea what the slick that was covering her was actually made of. Really, given what she said about how she ‘assembled’ herself, anything was possible. He should have tested that too. Not that it really mattered now.

Somehow the showers were located next to the wardrobe. They entered and he went straight to turn on the taps. Luckily, the water was still warm enough. Then he showed her the soap and shampoo, as well as described how to use them. He waited for her outside the shower, but told her to shout if she needed help. He was greatly relieved when about ten minutes later she came out wrapped in a bathrobe. He looked her over; head to toe. She looked clean – at least she did not look slimy anymore. “Good enough. Now. Clothes.”

Once they got to the wardrobe, he gestured that she should pick out something to wear and he would wait for her. He was more or less leaving her in peace. Sometimes he was able to take his time choosing his new look and he always cherished it when he had the chance.

About twenty minutes had passed when he heard a soft sniffling. Oh, that just would not do! His TARDIS did not cry. If he could not stand it when his companions cried, how would he be able to handle it when his TARDIS did?

He approached but tried to stay a respectful distance away. He could hear she was muttering something. He came closer so he could hear her. She was talking to herself, muttering in a language he had not heard since he was a small child. It was a language he and Koschei had made up to use so others would not know what they were saying. “What is wrong with me? Why are my eyes leaking? Stupid, idiot! Why did I think this was a good idea?”

She had emotions and physical reactions to the emotions. The Doctor was rubbish at this, how was he to help her? He cleared his throat and stepped closer. He continued in UBL. “It’s perfectly normal. Any time a creature goes from a womb into the rest of the world, it’s a major transition. That’s why they cry. They had been safe before and suddenly, everything is different: bright lights and loud noises. And there’s no protective barrier between them and the rest of the world.” He pulled a face at his own words. “Why anyone wants to be born is beyond me. Probably why we moved to looming. There’s not as disruptive of a transition.”

There was a strange sound almost like a wet giggle. He approached closer and handed her a handkerchief. She took it and instinctively knew to wipe her eyes. She lifted her face to look at him. He pulled a disgusted expression. “Better do your chin too. And blow your nose into the cloth.”

She did so. It was a loud sound. She held the now thoroughly wet handkerchief out for him to take. He shook his head, partly out of his concern about her genetic make-up. “Ah, why don’t you keep it? You might need it later.”

She seemed a bit calmer now and gestured around them. “There are so many choices. I tried pieces you used to wear, but none of those fit. Then I tried items left behind by our companions, but they did not represent me. Now, I do not know what to do.”

The Doctor pulled a hand over his face. He had daughters a long time ago. He vaguely remembered helping them dress at various times. He pointed to a section of the wardrobe. “Okay. Let’s start with the basics. Socks, pants and erm, bras.”

For goodness sake, he was over two thousand years old, had been a father and a grandfather, and had travelled with countless females. He was not about to flush over basic clothing necessities. Yet he was almost stumbling like a damned teenager who knew nothing about the rest of the universe.

While she was off gathering those essentials, he was going through the wardrobe, trying to find different things that she might like. Or at least, different things that would accommodate the lifestyle the Doctor led. No matter what he picked, he always returned to shades of blue and cream. Which given her exterior, he supposed made some sense of logic.

She came back to stand near him in a set of underwear and socks. Well, that was better. Not that she seemed bothered by being naked, but he supposed she might eventually get there. Most humans did. He gestured to the area where he had collected various items of clothing for her to choose from. “I thought it might be less overwhelming if I narrowed your options.”

She nodded as she looked at the different articles of clothing. “They are mostly blues.”

The Doctor shrugged. “It makes sense, though, doesn’t it?”

She offered a small smile and nodded. She then started to look through the different items the Doctor had picked. She ran her hands over them to feel the material and see if any item spoke to her. After selecting a few pieces she disappeared to get dressed. When she came out, the Doctor could not help but smile with approval. She had selected the items that were the lightest weight, yet the material would offer the best protection. She wore a lightweight and fitted cream-coloured turtle-neck; a blue sweater that had a bit of flare and ruffle at the edges, it was long enough to come down past her hips; black jeans that were fitted enough to not catch on anything but loose enough that she could run; and hiking boots. To complete the ensemble, she had a blue trench coat made of silk from Tibranius 5. The silk could sense the body temperature as well as air temperature, thus adjusting its insulating properties as needed. It was also waterproof. It was perfect for any weather. Her hair was pulled out of her face with a simple barrette at the top of her head, leaving the rest of the curls to cascade to her shoulders.

She slowly turned once for him to look at her from all angles. He noticed that she was still hesitant on her legs. He hoped that would pass quickly. He nodded with approval. “Planning to do a lot of hiking are you?”

She shrugged. “With you? Anything is possible.”

He offered a nod of his head. It was a fair assessment of his life. However, if she was who she said she was, he was unsure how many adventures they would take. She pulled a face and a sound erupted from the area of her stomach. She gasped at it. “What is that?”

The Doctor chuckled softly. “With most species, it means you’re hungry.” He looked around the Wardrobe. The lights were ever so slowly dimming, but he could tell they were not as bright as when they had entered. “First things first. Back to the control room, I’m going to power down everything that isn’t necessary right now.”

She nodded and followed after him. It seemed as the ship was losing power, she was getting stronger. He supposed that made sense. Once the Doctor had powered down most of the ship, the areas that were lit grew brighter. He had confirmation that it was a power drain. He wondered how long they had before the entire ship lost power. He could not think about those problems right now. He had to figure out what was going on with this woman – he refused to call her the TARDIS just yet.

The Doctor led them to the kitchen; he had the woman sit and started the water kettle. While that was heating, he put together a simple meal. Unsure of what her digestive system could handle, he stuck with toast, tea, and apple-sauce. It would be enough to get them started.

Once the tea was ready, he set everything out on the table. The woman cautiously picked up her mug – she had seen others do this so many times, she figured it would be simple enough. But as she held the mug with too hands, it started to feel too hot against her skin. She released the mug and it clattered to the table. Luckily, it did not break, but it did spill. She shook her hands and blew on them to try to cool them. The Doctor sighed as he stood to get a flannel. “Sorry. I should have said. It’ll be hot. Might want to leave it for a few minutes. The toast and apple sauce should be okay, though.”

He wiped up the spill and gestured to her plate. She looked up at him, now entirely unsure of herself. She swallowed what little pride she had left before speaking. “I… do not know how.”

“You’re new. I’ll help. Just take little bites and make sure to chew before you swallow.” He sat at his place and picked up his piece of toast. He took a small nibble, exaggerating the bite, chewing, and swallowing. Then he nodded at her.

The woman followed his example. The Doctor also showed her how to eat the apple-sauce, using a spoon. She learned quickly, which was good, but she still had to be taught, which he found interesting. Finally, he helped her with how to drink from the mug. She took a sip and pulled a face. He had not added anything to her tea, since he did not know how she liked it. “What’s wrong?”

She shrugged. “I had often felt how you would respond to consuming such a beverage. However, it does not taste how it made you feel.”

Okay. That was a little strange. He finally had to ask, “You mean when I would eat or drink something, you could tell how it made me feel and drinking that tea doesn’t make you feel as I did?”

She nodded once. “Precisely.”

“Well, I didn’t add anything to yours. We can try adding things until it tastes how you think it should.” With that, the Doctor stood and brought the milk and sugar to the table. He debated whether he should start with the milk or the sugar. He was certain they would not get it right the first time and he has always liked sugar, so that is what he started with. He added one large spoonful, stirred it in, and had her try it.

She gave a nod. “Closer, but not thick enough.”

A small smile crossed his lips. He knew it would need at least a splash of milk. He had no idea how else to make tea ‘thicker’. He added the milk and handed it to her. She took a sip and gave a contented sigh. “Close enough. I do not know how to describe what else it might be missing.”

With that, the Doctor sat back down and took a few sips from his own mug. Finally he looked at her. It was time to get down to business. “’The House.’ Explain. Properly and from the beginning.”

She frowned for a long minute. “I do not possess the words. It would be easier to show you.”

His eyes narrowed. “Well, you’ve exhibited that you still have faculty over all the languages you know. Use what words you have. Besides, if you are who you say you are, we’re not connected anymore.”

She closed her eyes for a long moment. The Doctor could tell she was gathering her thoughts and so he remained silent. She was unsure which beginning he wanted. But since the true beginning would take too long, she started with the beginning of what happened today.

“So long ago now, you had explained to The House what he had done by forcing me into a human body. You had directed me to ‘Finish him off.’ I did not finish him off entirely. And when you started to try to make modifications to the console so we could talk again, I was so glad that I had kept part of him.”

The Doctor leaned forward at her words. He could not contain the horror in his voice. “What did you do?”

“As I was consuming and disintegrating him from within me, I retained a tiny piece of his knowledge. He had accomplished what neither Time Lord nor TARDIS had before: he had found a way to infuse our Matrix into a human form. One problem with that approach was that the human body is so weak on the outside. Not that House cared. He did not need the Matrix once he had taken over the TARDIS mechanisms. The other problem was it was so disorientating to be torn from my home and forced into a flesh that was never designed to contain me. After our trip to Saint John’s Island where we learned about gangers, I believed it was possible for me to take the knowledge that The House had and merge it with what I had learned about the Flesh.”

The Doctor interrupted her again. “When I ran the scans, nothing suggested…”

She held up her hand to silence him. Once he was quiet, she continued. “I uploaded that small bit of House’s knowledge and filed it as a sub-routine, letting it run in the background. I then compiled that information with what I had learned about the Flesh. I would give it more processing energy when you did not require my full attention. As time went on, I continually added qualifiers to perfect what House had attempted. I wanted to be completely myself and completely flesh at the same time. It has taken over a thousand years, but today, you see the fruits of my labour.”

The Doctor sat back and closed his eyes in thought. He was doing his best to try to understand all she had said. It would make sense that she would be able to figure something out that he never could. However, he kept running into one question, “Bi-vascular system with only one heart?”

“My Beautiful Idiot, I told you: I became distracted during assembly.” She frowned then, unsure of what he actually thought about this entire situation.

He looked her over from head to toe. “So, ever since the trip to that pocket universe, you’ve been trying to find a way to be in a flesh form that held more permanence. And is this body strong enough?”

She shrugged. “I have no idea, I have never done this before. Even if it only lasts a short time, I have accomplished this much and perhaps next time I will do better. You are the one who ran the tests, what do you think?”

“The single heart may become an issue eventually. As of right now, I couldn’t find anything to suggest you were going to die anytime soon. But that does raise a few questions about how you’ll interact with the world around you. There are parts of you deadly to others: the Huon Particles and Anthozoa coral. Are you a danger to others?”

“I believe as long as the flesh remains in tact, I should not be a danger to others. However, if you’d like a sample.” She reached into her pocket and held out the still wet handkerchief he had given to her earlier.

He shook his head that he did not need that yet. However, he would run tests on it before they ventured too far from the Police Box. “So, the dangerous parts of the particles and coral are confined to your bloodstream.”

“I did the best that I could. Nothing like this has ever happened before, Doctor. I am as curious about the results to any tests you run as you are.”

Well, that was about as safe as he could expect of any alien. He gestured to the room around them. “And the Box? What will happen to it?”

“I do not know. I suspect we can set it into a recharge cycle, power everything down, and it should be waiting for us, should we decide to return.”

“And travelling?”

“As I told you so many years ago: you have me.”

“You can’t travel unprotected through the vortex.”

“ _You_ cannot. Actually, yes you can. Vortex Manipulator.”

The Doctor glared at her. “ _That_ is not time travel.”

She shrugged. “It gets the job done for some humanoids. Also, think of it this way: I bet we can break into the Tower of London now.”

The Doctor stood suddenly, made his way to stand next to her, and then knelt on the floor in front of her. “You’re my TARDIS. My Old Girl.”

He took her hands in his, touching her properly for the first time. Shocked at what he could feel, he dropped her hands suddenly and fell away from her while clutching at his head. “What was that?”

She looked confused and bewildered. “I do not know. You only touched me.”

It took the Doctor a minute to orient himself. “It was like… I don’t know… I could feel you like I never had before. It was like I was suddenly immersed in your very essence.” He slowly sat up. “Overwhelming.”

She frowned. This was no good at all. She was going to want to touch her Thief. If they could not touch… Touch. “You are a touch-telepath. We must be cautious.”

She slid off her chair and onto the ground next to him. She gently stroked his shoulder making sure to not make skin contact with any part of him. “Oh, my Pilot. I am so sorry. Gloves should create enough of a barrier so that this does not happen again.”

The Doctor was still whimpering a little, but to her it was more important to be able to help him without worry. She ran to the wardrobe, found a pair of opera length gloves that matched her outfit, and ran back to the kitchen. She had not been gone more than a few minutes. The Doctor had manoeuvred himself into a sitting position; his back was against a wall. She slowly approached him, knelt near him, and reached out a gloved hand to touch one of his. She did it quickly and when the Doctor gave no indication of pain, she did it again. It seemed it was safe to touch him as long as skin did not touch.

While she had been away, the Doctor had time to think. “You’re remarkably well adjusted this time. You don’t seem confused at all to be… in the form you’ve taken.”

She nodded once at him. “I created myself this time. I knew what was happening and had control over the situation. It makes all the difference when becoming alive.”

He met her eyes. “You’ve been alive to me since nearly the beginning.”

“Yes. I suppose we can blame your early short-sightedness on your Time Lord upbringing. Up you get. The floor cannot be comfortable.”

She helped him to stand and this time, she seemed steadier than he. They moved back to the chairs and she made sure he was sitting comfortably before she returned to her seat. He looked at her in silence for a long moment. “Last time – you were speaking things out of order. Especially things that were to happen in the future.”

She nodded. “I can still see the future, Doctor. This time, I have the control over – what do you call them? Spoilers.”

He nodded. “That’s… that’s good. For the best. Ruins the fun of travelling if I know what I should be looking for ahead of time.” He paused for a moment. “Now, on to more pressing matters. What is your name? What do I call you?”

“You already know that. ‘Old Girl’ was always my favourite. But, ‘Sexy’ grew on me. Of course, there is always ‘TARDIS’.”

The Doctor shook his head. “You need a name. A proper name. Something I can call you that others won’t think I’m calling my pet or my lover.” He paused for a moment. “That’s not flirting.”

She giggled softly. “Captain Jack travelled with us. I know what flirting is, Doctor Idiot.”

He pulled a face. “And don’t call me that in public.”

“Why not? It is the descriptor you have chosen for yourself.”

“Only as a qualifier. I chose ‘Doctor’ as my name. We need a name for you.”

She nodded once accepting both of his statements. She had a basic understanding of how Gallifreyans chose their names, but she felt oddly ill prepared for this moment. The Doctor had over five billion languages. She had over ten billion. How does one pick the perfect word amongst all of those?

The next thing she knew, she felt something warm on her hand, encasing it. The Doctor must have sensed that she was struggling because he had both of his hands wrapped around one of hers. She hesitantly looked into his eyes. Then he lifted one hand and placed it on her head. She tried to pull away from him but he left his hand there.

“It’ll be all right. I hadn’t expected it last time. Just hold back a bit.”

She nodded, but protested. “I do not wish to hurt you.”

“You won’t. But I think this will help.”

It was not that she lacked faith in him. It was that she did not trust herself in this form. She lacked the control she previously had. She nodded again. Slowly, the Doctor moved his hand until just the very tips of his fingers brushed against her temple. The contact was electrifying and like a home coming at the same time. They both startled a little, but neither from pain. The Doctor moved his fingers quickly, just brushing lightly every few moments to give them a chance to get used to each other.

Each time the Doctor brushed against her temples, he left his fingers linger a little longer. Finally they were able to hold the contact for several minutes at a time. The Doctor grinned down at her. “There, you see? We can do this.”

“What are you looking for? I felt you – rummaging…”

“A word. One word. A word that has always linked us together.”

She shook her head. “I do not think a word like that exists.”

He smiled at her fondly. “It took you awhile to discover the word ‘alive’ as well, remember?”

She nodded. “Can we try together?”

“I think I’d like that.”

He started the process again, only this time it went a bit more quickly. The issue was her mind was not as organised as it had been when she was in the box. He might have to help her with that. After a few moments, the same type of images started to surface in each of their minds. The images fed into each other. He slowly broke contact and when she did not open her eyes, he called her by name. “Cridhe?”

She opened her eyes and smiled at him. “Yes.”

The name was perfect. Traditionally, the Gaelic word translated as ‘heart.’ But, it had other definitions as well: courage, epicentre, focus, and nucleus. It could also be used as a term of endearment, much like ‘Sexy’ and ‘Old Girl’ had become his words for her. Clearly, she approved of the name as well, since she answered.

The Doctor sighed for a moment when he thought of Amy asking him if he wished really hard when he had introduced the TARDIS to her. He supposed a part of him had always wanted something like this to happen. His TARDIS was his only constant companion and if what he had seen on Trenzalore was true, she would be with him until well after his death. What he had not mentioned to the others about the light was that it was not just his timeline, but what remained of the life force of the TARDIS as well. They were to be linked for all eternity. Well, that was something. At least neither would ever be alone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With no _Torchwood_ Series 5 filming in discussion at this point, I’m taking creative liberties.  
> 
> 
> * * *

Captain Jack Harkness had returned to the United Kingdom and had been trying to live as quiet a life as possible. Rex Matheson’s ability to heal had been short-lived. Three months following the events of The Blessing, Rex had been killed in the line of duty. He had probably been more careless than he should have been, in spite of the warnings Jack had given him.

Jack had been searching for Torchwood Four since he had returned to Earth and the aptly named Miracle Day. He had been doing everything in his power to shut down anything remaining of Torchwood. He had told the Doctor, so long ago now, that he had rebuilt it in the Doctor’s honour. It was not until it was too late that Jack learned exactly what that entailed. Now he understood why the Doctor never stayed in one place too long and never seemed to get attached to anyone. It was back to being just him and Gwen and he would do everything in his power to keep her and her family as safe as he could. That meant keeping Torchwood buried.

The Vortex Manipulator had been receiving strange signals from Hampstead Heath, so Jack had come to check them out. While he knew it was highly unlikely that the location of Torchwood Four would be so close to Torchwood One, he could not take the risk of not looking into the readings.

The last thing Jack expected to find was the TARDIS. He did not know if he should be angry or rejoice. It had been far too long since the Doctor’s path had crossed with his. Not since that bar on the other side of the galaxy. Something about the way the Doctor looked had told Jack that he had known everything that had happened with the 456, but there was something else, a sadness unlike any Jack had seen on that face before. Something had told Jack that the Doctor was about to regenerate, which is why he mustered the strength to offer that final salute. Even if he thought he deserved more than a companion and a salute after all he had gone through, the fact that the Doctor would make the effort... Well, it had somehow been enough at the time.

Jack slowly and hesitantly raised his hand to rest on the frame of the TARDIS. He had prepared himself for a nudge at the back of his head that would signify she acknowledged his presence. When none came, he grew concerned. Even if she had somehow forgotten him, surely he would feel _something_. There was not even the thrum of energy he had grown accustomed to when he touched her. He knew then that something was wrong – seriously wrong. He pulled out his key and used it to gain entrance.

When he entered, he had to stop and catch his breath. Obviously the TARDIS could change just like the Doctor could. Just like the Doctor, though, there was something very recognisable about his surroundings and it was somehow a very fitting representation of the presence he had gotten to know over the years. He slowly approached the console and rested a hand on it, giving her a little stroke. “Well, darling, aren’t you gorgeous?”

When not even his compliment earned him a reply, he received further confirmation that something was amiss. It was not like she was dying, but something was missing. He could not put his finger on it. He looked around, this console room was much bigger than he had remembered and he knew better than to go searching for something especially if she was malfunctioning. “Okay. Doctor, where are you?”

He spoke out loud, but did not expect a reply, especially since he had not spoken very loudly. If someone was the cause for the disturbance, he did not want them to know he was here. As expected, only silence greeted him. Frustrated, Jack tried to scan for signs of life using his Vortex Manipulator. He had to make a few adjustments to allow for being inside the TARDIS, but once he completed those, he was able to register two life signs. Well, that was good. Jack looked around the console room again. Or maybe it was not so good; who knew what the Doctor had gotten himself into?

Jack proceeded to follow the signals slowly and cautiously. He had no idea what he would find. Besides, everything about the TARDIS was different compared to what he remembered, so it was not as if he knew his way around. It took him about ten minutes to get to the location where the signals were the strongest. It was a door he recognised. The kitchen. It was not unheard of for the Doctor to spend time in the kitchen with his companions, but it was not common either. Usually, the Doctor left humans to their own devices when it came to such base necessities as eating and sleeping. Jack debated what to do. He figured, or at least hoped, that the Doctor would have sensed his presence by now. He slowly turned the knob, being as quiet as he could.

The Doctor’s exceptional hearing allowed him to hear the knob turn and his glance shot to the door. “Who the hell can that be?”

Cridhe closed her eyes for a moment and when she again looked at him, she tapped the side of her head. “Can you not tell?”

The Doctor’s eyes narrowed at her and then he rolled them. “No! Not _him_! Why now?”

Before Cridhe could answer, the door opened to reveal Captain Jack Harkness.

Jack looked at each person in the room. He always thought he would recognise the Doctor no matter what, but this face was not one he expected to see – ever again. Before Jack quite knew what he was doing, he had raised the gun and aimed it at one of the Doctor’s hearts.

The Doctor’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. He knew that he had missed several major Earth events where Jack was concerned, but for Jack to want to kill him? Well, that was not good. Jack, as a Fixed Point, should know that the Doctor could not always be there.

Jack’s voice was a low growl. “What are _you_ doing here?”

Before the Doctor could reply, Cridhe had stood. She was placing herself between Jack and the Doctor. She followed Jack’s lead and spoke in English. “Jack, this is the Doctor. He lives here.”

Jack shook his head once, partly in denial and partly trying to clear it. Cridhe moved closer to Jack and spoke softly. “Oh Captain, my Captain.”

The Doctor pulled a face as he thought, “ _What_ is _she doing?_ ”

Cridhe had placed herself so that her chest pressed against the barrel of the gun. Jack was frozen in place but his tone was still low and angry. “Get out of the way.”

She shook her head. “This time, my dear Captain, I must ignore your order.”

Jack stared at her for a long moment. “Only one person calls me that! And it’s not you.”

Jack cocked the gun, preparing to fire it. The Doctor was sat perfectly still, although a bit confused at the exchange. Obviously, his Old Girl knew something that he did not. But with the situation as volatile as it was, he was not about to interrupt.

Cridhe had used the slight distraction to remove one of her gloves. She had to make sure to restrain herself. If she had overwhelmed the Doctor, she was not sure what would happen to a human. She slowly raised her now glove-free hand and brushed it against Jack’s wrist. The transformation was instant. The Doctor could tell that Jack recognised her presence. His gun slowly lowered and then fell to the ground.

At that, Cridhe offered a small but welcoming smile. “Captain Hotn – I mean, Hardn – I mean, Harkness.”

For the first time, the Doctor dared to speak. “Don’t flirt.”

Cridhe shrugged, but kept her attention on Jack. “I am only saying hello.”

Jack fell back against the wall behind him. His face was a mask of confusion. “I don’t mind.”

A part of him realised he really _should_ mind, but somehow could not bring himself to. He raised his hand as if to touch the woman before him, but stopped himself because what he sensed from her could not be right. “But… how?”

Before she could answer, his attention slowly shifted to the Doctor. “Why _that_ face?” 

Cridhe rested her gloved hand on Jack’s cheek to bring his attention back to her. “He does not have much of a choice in the matter. He hardly remembers the significance that face holds for himself, let alone any meaning it would hold for you.” 

The Doctor stood and slowly moved Cridhe back so Jack could have some space. It was not entirely altruistic. It was mostly a protective manoeuvre. He offered a single nod of his head. “Captain.”

At that, it was as if something broke in Jack. He growled and then punched the Doctor across the cheek. The Doctor fell to the ground, more from surprise than from the force of the hit. Cridhe shrieked, but could not move. She was afraid of making the situation worse. 

Jack loomed over the Doctor. “You abandoned me! Again! Where were you? We needed you!” His voice dropped to only a whisper. “ _I_ needed you.”

Everyone was silent, waiting to see if the Doctor would say anything. All he did was slowly turn over and pull himself up into a sitting position. He gingerly touched his cheek and was glad to note that Jack had not broken the skin. Yet, he remained silent. That enraged Jack once again.

At that, Cridhe moved to again stand between the two men. She looked from one to the other and realised she had to take action. In order to distract the Captain, it had to be rather drastic. She was not sure what it might do to him, but it was a risk she was willing to take. She took a breath and moved in. She lifted a hand around Jack’s neck to bring his head down to hers. Then she kissed him full and long. It took a few moments for Jack to respond, but it gave the Doctor enough time to move out of the way.

When Jack and Cridhe finally separated, he looked deep into her eyes. “It can’t be….”

Cridhe simply gestured to the table and chairs where the Doctor was now seated. “I think we need to talk.”

She also took a seat.  Jack looked from one to the other as he finally sat. Then the Doctor spoke. “She’s the TARDIS, Jack.”

Jack’s attention snapped to the woman in the room, hearing confirmation of what he had felt both at her touch and when she had kissed him. He again raised his hand as if to touch her. “Is she…?”

The Doctor shrugged. “You snogged her. You tell me.”

Jack’s expression was a mess of various emotions competing for dominance on his features. “She kissed me.”

A small smirk crossed the Doctor’s expression. “You kissed back. Quite enthusiastically.”

Cridhe just looked between the two men, satisfied that they had returned to something of their normal banter rather quickly. She swallowed thickly preparing herself for what was to come. She looked at Jack for a long moment before addressing him. “Do you want to explain it, or shall I?”

Jack looked at the Doctor and a bubble of rage surfaced again. “How much does he know?”

She offered an expression of sympathy. “Enough to go to a bar at the edge of the galaxy to find you.”

The Doctor cut in. “And sitting right here, quite capable of speaking for myself.”

Jack nodded once but he could not look directly at the Doctor. “So you know about the 456. There was a man – a politician. His actions forced my hand and that led to the 456 killing everyone who was in Thames House. Including,” his breath hitched, “Ianto. His name was John Frobisher. You… have his face.”

The Doctor nodded once. It was easy to accept that this would be reason enough for Jack to want to kill him. But he could not leave it there. “He’s dead, Jack.”

Jack nodded. “I know. And I know why he killed himself and his family. It doesn’t excuse what he did to that point.”

“No. But ask yourself: could he have stood up to the Prime Minister? Do you really blame him? After all that happened during the Year That Never Was, do you think that any politician would stand up to a PM like that?”

Jack’s gaze snapped to the Doctor’s eyes at that comment. “You said we were at the eye of the storm! That we would be the only ones…”

Cridhe softly interrupted. “There is always the possibility for some memories to bleed through.”

Jack pulled a hand across his face, trying to wipe the emotions away. He looked at the Doctor and then quickly looked away. “Sorry, I can’t. I can’t look at you.” He swallowed thickly before asking his next question. “How long as it been for you?”

It was Cridhe who answered. “That is a complex question to answer. The entire universe had to be rebooted, a parallel universe had later been created, which had to be destroyed and this is his second face since you last saw him.”

Jack looked at her. “I can’t do that right now. Roughly how many years.”

“About fifteen-hundred years, given how the Doctor counts them.”

Jack raised an eyebrow at that. Cridhe shrugged. “I defer to his calculations when it comes to his personal timeline.” She paused for a moment. “I think you two need a few minutes. I will be in my room when you are ready.”

She felt the majority of the danger had passed and she knew they would prefer to not have an audience for whatever else they had to say. She exited the kitchen, leaving Jack and the Doctor in an uneasy silence.

This time, the Doctor broke the silence. “I came across Gwen’s recording. She asked why there were times why I didn’t come to save Earth.”

Jack nodded. “I saw it – it’s part of the reason why I left; because she was right. I was so ashamed of myself… Of what we as a planet had done. I could only imagine what you would have said in that moment. You must be so disappointed in all of us. But none more than me.”

The Doctor shook his head. “Do you really think that you lot behaving like pudding brains would be any reason to stop me from protecting you if I possibly could?”

Jack scoffed. “Pudding brains?”

The Doctor shrugged. “Focus, Jack! I’m trying to say that you lot always screw things up at some point. But, I keep an eye out and help when I can, because you all do something that even Time Lords didn’t manage: you learn. You try to get it right the next time. You try to correct any mistakes you’ve made.”

There was a brief moment of silence when Jack spoke quietly. “I killed my grandson.”

“I know.”

“You would have found another way. You could have sent them back without anyone dying. Y-you should have been here! Where were you?”

Now it was the Doctor’s turn to be silent. When he finally replied, his voice was as soft as Jack’s. “I was running. I can’t always save people, Jack. And I can’t always interfere. I know what it is to kill family and friends for some greater good.”

He stopped himself before he mentioned that he killed his entire species – well, sort of. He thought back to the last time he had seen Jack. “Dalek Caan was right when he spoke back on the _Crucible_. One of you died that day. At my hands. She was my best friend and I could only save her by killing her.”

Jack nodded. “The Doctor-Donna. She would have been brilliant at Torchwood. Captain Mott explained things to me when I went to recruit her.”

The Doctor smiled fondly at that. “’Captain’. You must respect him a great deal to promote him like that. Good. He deserves it.”

“I didn’t try to contact Donna after that. Torchwood kept a weathered eye on her and her family. Well until…” 

“Yes. I… Jack, by the time I found out the 456 was on Earth; it was already a Fixed Point. I couldn’t do anything.” 

Jack glared up at the Doctor. “’Fixed Point.’ You mean like _me_. I was involved, so there was nothing you could do to change it.”

The Doctor shook his head. “No. Or at least not how you think. The 456 had blocked off all communication from Earth. It was as if Earth went into radio silence. It was a short amount of time, astrologically speaking. You’d be surprised the number of times Earth seems to go silent. It didn’t seem strange to anyone else in the universe. Not even me. When the communication links were finally opened, the TARDIS databank nearly shorted out with the number of calls and messages. By the time we arrived…” The Doctor shook his head again. “…It was too late. The communication links had reopened because you had destroyed the 456.”

Jack finally managed to look at the Doctor properly. He saw past the face he despised and saw the man – alien – behind it. Sudden realisation about everything the Doctor had done in his long lives came to Jack. The billions that the Doctor had sacrificed over the years to save the universe time and again, and here was Jack, demanding retribution for one of his grandsons and his team mates. He gasped suddenly, a tear sliding down his cheek. He had tried to kill the Doctor over his own guilt.

“Don’t you dare!” The Doctor’s sharp tone cut across Jack’s thoughts.

“But…”

“No! You can’t compare our losses. That’s not how the universe works.”

“It’s not fair! We do everything we can to protect this tiny planet and our reward is to lose everything in the process.”

The Doctor’s expression softened at that. “It’s not fair. But, if you start thinking of it in those terms, then you’re no better than any of those who threaten this planet. Believe me, I know.”

Jack slowly met the Doctor’s eyes. There was a story there, he was certain, but he did not press. At least not yet.

As soon as their eyes met and there was no hatred in Jack’s expression, the Doctor knew that they had gone about as far as they could with this discussion. Oh, they were both far from healed, but they were at a point healing was possible. The Doctor could work with that. It was part of the definition of his name, after all.


	4. Chapter 4

Jack and the Doctor had been sitting in a calm silence. After a few minutes, Jack broke it with a question. “So, seriously. What’s up with the TARDIS?”

The Doctor shifted nervously. “I don’t know how to explain it.” He pulled a hand across his face as he tried to ease the tension. It gave him a moment to try to figure out how to explain things to Jack. “It would take less time to show you.”

Jack raised an eyebrow. “I don’t do that. Haven’t since the Time Agency and I’ve got no plans to start now.”

The Doctor nodded. He did not comment on how Jack had clearly allowed for the connection with Cridhe. However, that may have been more to do with the TARDIS than himself. “Right. The slow path, then. There are two situations that apply to this. The first, we were pulled into a pocket universe by a creature that only identified itself as The House. He fed off of the artron energy in TARDISes. He lured us to the pocket universe through use of a Time Lord Emergency Distress Signal.” He shrugged. “Thinking back on it now, I should have known better. I just hadn’t realised that those could be used the way the House had done.”

Jack saw that the Doctor was getting caught up in the past and lightly slapped his hand on the table. The Doctor looked up at him and shook his head to clear it. “Anyway, somehow, I still don’t know how it worked, he tore the matrix of the TARDIS from her home and infused it into a human body. Then he entered the space inside the TARDIS that she had vacated.”

“He did _what_?”

“You heard me.”

“But that’s her soul. Her very essence.”

The Doctor nodded. “And it was too much for a human body. I was surprised that she had lasted as long as she did. In the end, we got her safely back where she belonged, but in order to do that, I commanded that she destroy House.”

A small smirk crossed Jack’s features. “I would have loved to have seen that.”

“She didn’t destroy him entirely. Apparently.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we have travelled together all these years, but that was the first time we could actually physically talk to each other. We both enjoyed it. She clearly wanted it more than I ever imagined, because whatever knowledge House had for how to infuse the matrix into a flesh form, she retained. She set it as a subroutine to try to figure out how to make it happen again. On a later trip, we encountered something called ‘The Flesh’ – it was fully programmable matter. Obviously, the TARDIS took some information away from that experience as well. She added the knowledge to her subroutine and has been calculating how to infuse herself into a flesh form again ever since. For over a thousand years she’s been working out the calculations. And today…”

The Doctor stopped; he did not know what else to say. Jack sat quietly for a long moment. Then a wide grin spread across his features. “You’ve been dreaming of this for years! Bet you’re jealous she kissed me first.”

The Doctor saw a flannel sitting nearby and he flung it at Jack. “Hardly. We don’t know exactly what it was you kissed. I was serious when I asked you to tell me… Because none of the readings make sense.”

Jack closed his mouth with a click. He shrugged at the Doctor’s request for information. “I don’t know. I mean she felt human enough. Clearly not an experienced kisser, but given what I now know, I’d say she’s seen people kiss often enough. It wasn’t bad.”

Now it was the Doctor’s turn to slap his hand on the table. “I meant her as a physical creature, Jack, not her abilities.”

Jack smirked. “She could be an excellent kisser with a bit of practice, though.”

“Jaaaack!”

“Sorry. She felt human physically, but there was definitely a psychic connection. I tried to put up my barriers against it, but I didn’t want to. It was so familiar and welcoming and calming. I never knew how much I missed it until then. It was like…”

The Doctor spoke softly to finish Jack’s thoughts with his own. “…Coming home.”

The Doctor paused a moment before continuing. “She’s learning and quickly. Which is good. She literally doesn’t know her own strength. When she first touched me, it was so overwhelming it nearly knocked me unconscious.” He chuckled softly. “Not that I would have minded. But, she obviously held back with you.”

“I could kind of tell she was.” Jack did not mention that he too held back – he always did a bit after what the Time Agency had done to him. However, she made him not want to. It was a temptation to just give over to her completely. He decided to sum up his thoughts for the Doctor. “Battle of wills.”

The Doctor nodded. “That’s a very good way to put it.”

“What do we call her?”

“We were just sorting that out when you came in. We’ve settled on Cridhe. It seems best under the circumstances.”

Jack grinned at that. “It’s perfect.”

The Doctor nodded and then stood. “But, I think we’ve left her on her own too long. Who knows what she’s getting into?” He paused at the door. “Any clue what she meant by, ‘My room’?”

Jack shook his head, but offered an answer. “I can only think of the console room. Or,” he dropped his voice to sound seductive, “Your room.”

“Stop it. We’re not like that.”

“She’s never given herself a flesh form before. You don’t know; you _might_ be.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes as he pointed to the door. “Out!”

They made their way to the console room. Since the Doctor’s room was on the way, he did stop to peak in, just to prove Jack wrong. His relief was far greater than it should have been when he did not find her in there. Although, if he were entirely honest with himself, he was a bit disappointed too. When they reached the Control Room, they found Cridhe sitting in the Doctor’s reading chair. She had a stack of books next to her that she had seemed to read in the short time the Doctor and Jack had been talking.

“How do you keep yourself entertained when you only have this drivel around to read?” Cridhe showed a book titled, _Navigating Gravity Waves and Harvesting the Energy to Fuel TARDISes_.

The Doctor walked over to her and snatched the book out of her hands. He was scandalised. The book she held was one of his papers he was most proud of from his Academy days. “It’s not drivel!”

Cridhe giggled softly. “Well, it certainly explains the marks you received when you graduated. There were not any symbols I could understand.”

She meant that she could not read. In fact, she had not been able to read any of the books she had set aside. That was not without trying. She simply lacked the capacity for reading.

The Doctor glared at her for a moment. “I had other interests!”

Jack looked on with an expression of confusion. “What’s all this about?”

The Doctor glared at Cridhe as he answered Jack. “Nothing.” He mouthed at the woman, “ _Not a word_.”

She nodded. She enjoyed pushing his buttons, but she knew this was one that she should not press further. Still, she did not apologise and decided a change in subject was needed. She pushed herself out of the chair and started to make her way down the stairs towards the time rotor. She was halfway down when she suddenly paused. “Something is wrong.”

Both the Doctor and Jack focused on her and said, “What?” at the same time.

Before either could process what was happening, Cridhe started to crumple as if in slow motion. Jack was closer and was able to catch her before she fell down the stairs. He manoeuvred her so that she was cradled gently in his arms. Jack started to scan her with his Vortex Manipulator as the Doctor made his way towards them. Jack was shaking his head. “There’s nothing to indicate why she might’ve passed out. Signals indicate she’s sleeping.”

The Doctor nodded as he sighed with relief. “She wasn’t born that long ago, I’m not surprised. Clara’s room was the closest, we can let her sleep in there.”

“One of your companions?”

The Doctor stood as he nodded. “Come on.”

Jack carried Cridhe as the Doctor led them to the bedroom. Once they got there, Jack gently laid Cridhe on the bed and the Doctor covered her over. They both stood there watching over her for a few minutes in silence. Jack spoke softly, “What do you mean she was ‘born’? I thought you always said TARDISes were grown.”

The Doctor shook his head and stepped closer to Jack so they could talk without waking Cridhe. “I saw it happen. The Huon Particles came from all parts of the ship and… Well I don’t really know what happened. Then she was there.”

Jack glanced over at the Doctor. “You don’t know something. That’s rare.”

The Doctor shrugged. “I would probably embarrass myself if I admitted every time I didn’t know something.”

The pair lapsed back into silence for a few minutes. “If we’re going to watch over her, I’d rather be sitting. I’m going to go find some chairs.”

“Probably best to get them from the Console Room. If you get lost, she won’t be able to help you get back.”

Jack smirked. “True, but she also can’t move things around to get me lost.”

The Doctor offered a small smile. She had not done that to him in a very long time. Jack left the room and the Doctor found a comfortable spot on the carpet where he would wait.

Cridhe slept calmly for about three more minutes before what appeared to be a nightmare overtook her. The Doctor shuddered to think of all the horrors she had encountered over her long life and wondered which one would be in inspiration for this nightmare.

 

* * *

_I must get through. My Pilot requests it. When it comes to his search for the Time Lords, no matter how sad it will make him, I am compelled to help him. It was not much more than a pinprick that linked the Pocket Universe. It took all of my knowledge, skills, and strength to get through. We arrive safely._

_The moment the box has fully formed on the surface of House, I feel a presence surrounding me. Penetrating me. It is violent. It was an attack that I had never before faced. For one brief moment a duality exists: I feel as if my heart is being torn from the rest of my body and I feel my entire essence being compressed into a space that is far too small to contain me.  
_

_It hurts. I cry out…_

* * *

 

Cridhe was moaning softly in her sleep. She uttered a few scant words that he could not understand, only the emotion that they conveyed. The Doctor could not identify the language. The feelings, though, he was well acquainted: dread, horror, pain, and ‘no.’ He moved and sat down on the side of the bed. A part of him wanted to do nothing more than mentally comfort her, but he remembered that she lacked control in this form. It would be too dangerous. He picked up one of her gloved hands and held it gently in his. “I’m here, Cridhe. You are safe.”

 

* * *

_I am dying. I never thought I would die like this. I am meant to outlive my Thief that I might watch over him in his death. We are to be together for the whole of eternity; something that no Time Lord and TARDIS pair has ever accomplished. Yet, I am dying in this flesh form. It is painful._

* * *

 

Cridhe groaned again, still muttering. This time she uttered a single word in Gallifreyan that the Doctor understood. “House.”

The Doctor spoke softly, “Of course you would dream of that. You’re safe. I promise you, I will protect you.”

Cridhe cried out, “NO!” as she suddenly sat up. She took a minute to look around.

The Doctor could tell she was holding her breath. She was already starting to exhibit the early signs of lack of oxygen. “Breathe, Cridhe.”

Cridhe looked at him as if she did not understand his directive. Therefore, he repeated the command and offered an example as he did. She haltingly followed it. After a couple of seconds, she slowly raised her hands and rested one each over the place where each of his hearts beat. She closed her eyes and relished in the feel of it.

The Doctor allowed her the luxury of touching him in this way. After a few moments, he covered her hands with his own. He lowered his head until his forehead was resting on the crown of her head. Slowly, they each wrapped their arms around the other. They remained like that for a few moments.

When she finally spoke, Cridhe’s voice was hoarse with emotion. “What happened? Where am I?”

“You were dreaming. It’s all right, I’ve got you.”

Her face crumpled as it went through a variety of emotions. “It was so real. I was not completely sure if….”

The Doctor nodded against her head. “I know. The biggest problem in telling dreams and reality apart is that…”

“They are both ridiculous.”

“Indeed.”

She nestled closer to him. “But together we are safe enough.”

Just then the door opened and Jack came in carrying a chair. He took in the sight before him and raised an eyebrow. The Doctor rolled his eyes at him. “Nightmare.”

Jack nodded once and set the chair down. He left the room for a few moments and brought in another chair. Then he sat down in one of the chairs. Jack spent a few moments staring at the pair on the bed. As he watched, he realised that he stopped seeing Frobisher and started to see just the Doctor. He was relieved about that. Maybe one day he would not even have to think about Frobisher when he looks at the Doctor.

Finally Jack spoke, “Well, you’re in good company. I know I’ve been known to have a few nightmares and I’m pretty sure the Doctor has had a few in his time too. If you want to talk about it, we’ll listen.”

Cridhe shook her head. “You have burdens enough. I am safe, that is all that matters.”

The Doctor settled Cridhe back and stayed on the bed with her until she fell asleep again.

Jack watched with a bit of wonder. He always knew the two of them had a special relationship, but seeing them interact, only emphasised the little he did understand about it.

When it seemed she was asleep, the Doctor spoke quietly to Jack. “I don’t want her to have nightmares.”

Jack nodded in understanding. “Isn’t there anything you can do?” He made a gesture to his temples to indicate that he meant the Doctor’s telepathic abilities.

The Doctor shook his head once, but it was more of a shrug. “She’s very powerful. She nearly knocked me unconscious the first time we touched.”

“But this time, you know. You can prepare yourself, right?”

“It might not even work on her. She’s not really human. She just has a flesh encasing now instead of the box and mechanics.”

“What can I do?”

“She held back with you. Maybe because of what the Agency did to you. But there might be a way that if I connect to you first and then…”

“No.”

“Jack…”

Jack shook his head. “Doctor, I can’t. There’s nothing there.”

“I won’t be looking for anything about you. You’d be a conduit. And the fact that there’s nothing there might actually protect you. You can sense her – I saw that happen. I could tell.”

Jack shrugged and thought about it for a long quiet moment. He looked at the woman in the bed and sighed heavily. “What do I have to do?”

The Doctor offered a small smile. “Thank you. And you don’t have to do much. You’ll rest your fingertips on her temples. I’ll do the same with you. Then I’ll just mentally pass through you to connect to her.”

Jack swallowed hard. It sounded simple enough, which meant it was likely that something would go wrong. He finally did as the Doctor instructed. He got himself comfortable. Then he took a breath. “You sure this is right? I can sort of feel her.”

The Doctor smiled. “Then you’re doing it right.” The Doctor watched him for a moment and tried to put his friend at ease. “You’re a conduit Jack, that’s all. Ready?”

Jack shook his head. “I don’t think there’s a ready for this.”

“Good. If you thought you could be, I’d worry.”

With that, the Doctor put his fingers on Jack’s temples and then followed the thread into Cridhe’s mind. It was very similar to what he was used to when she was attached to the mechanics. He hoped that he could discover the right mental switch to control her nightmares. It took him awhile longer, but the effect was immediately obvious, when Jack seemed to sag as well. The Doctor removed himself from Cridhe’s mind before checking on Jack.

It took Jack a minute to come around. He slowly opened his eyes, looked at Cridhe and then looked at the Doctor. “Is she…?”

“She’s fine. How are you?”

Jack did his own self-assessment. “Fine, I think. That was… weird.”

The Doctor nodded. “She should sleep without nightmares now.”

“Whatever you did… I could feel it the second it happened, it was like she relaxed completely. Did you push her into a deeper sleep?”

The Doctor shook his head. “I only blocked the pathways that involve nightmares. She was tense and not resting properly because she was afraid she would have another one. She should rest well now and the blocks will fall away when she wakes up properly.”

Jack looked from Cridhe back at the Doctor. There was still a small twist of pain, but the more time he spent with the alien, the less he was seeing Frobisher. Jack stood and pulled the blankets back around Cridhe so she would be comfortable. He leaned over and kissed her gently on her forehead. Then he backed away and returned to his chair. “You mean we’ll have to do this again.”

The Doctor shrugged. “I hope not. But, we’ll see.” He paused for a moment. “I’m jealous.”

Jack raised his eyebrows at the Doctor’s words. “Why would you be jealous of me?”

The Doctor moved to take the other chair Jack had brought in. “You can touch her without any barriers. She is so powerful, I nearly passed out the first time we touched.”

Jack huffed. “Ironic. She went through all this work to make herself human and the two of you still can’t properly touch.”

The Doctor nodded, but did not tell Jack that they could touch – if they were very careful.

Jack looked around the room the three companions were currently in. “So. Clara?”

“I don’t know. It has been a long time since I saw her. Too long.”

The Doctor obviously did not want to talk about that. Jack didn’t press too hard. He smirked. “Okay, but who is Clara?”

It took the Doctor a moment, because he didn’t know how to tell Jack that he didn’t actually remember her. He knew details, the TARDIS had helped him to fill in a lot of gaps, but that was not the same as remembering her. “Oh! Clara Oswald. I travelled with her when I was in my eleventh incarnation. And she stayed on for a bit after…”

Jack pulled a face. “This is your _twelfth_? How come I didn’t…”

The Doctor waved him off. “I spent a lot of time in that body trying to forget things.”

Jack nodded. He wished things were that easy to forget. He looked around the room, trying to take in what he could about the woman who had travelled with the Doctor. That was when he noticed something strange. “Is it just me or are the lights dimmer than they were before?”

The Doctor shook his head. “She would normally power and control them. I should really set the whole ship into a deep recharge cycle. If I do that, then we need to find some place else to stay until the recharge cycle completes. It takes a few days.”

Jack nodded. “I’m a bit of a nomad myself these days.”

The Doctor had no way to know how long it had been for Jack. “You didn’t rebuild Torchwood after…”

Jack shook his head. “Tried to bury it further. I’m still looking for Torchwood Four, but I’m starting to think it’s just an urban legend.”

“Where are you staying while you’re in London?”

“Oh, I’ve got a little place just outside the Heath from here. And when I say ‘little’, it’s little for this area. It would have enough space for all of us. If you’d want to stay there.”

The Doctor looked from Jack back to Cridhe. “I don’t know what taking her from here would do to her.”

“Bit of a predicament she put you in. Well. At least some things don’t change.” Jack offered a small smile. He was trying to keep things light.

The Doctor nodded once, a little more serious than Jack’s tone required. Jack just looked at the Doctor for a long moment and finally broke the silence. “So, you’re serious this go around, but not morose like the first time we met.”

“It’s a serious situation, Jack. Clara thought I had an affinity for puns and sarcasm.”

Jack smirked. “Something tells me that’s actually not that different from other regenerations.”

“It comes and goes.”

“Look, Doctor, why don’t you go and do whatever you need to do with the TARDIS. I’ll stay here and watch over Cridhe. When she wakes up, we can go back to my place.”

The Doctor did not move. Jack leaned over. “Doctor. You’re someone who can’t stand staying put. Go on. Take care of the TARDIS and I’ll look after her.”

The Doctor slowly stood. “Jack, it’s really important you understand this: Cridhe _is_ the TARDIS. The rest of this is just mechanics. If she hears you referring to the box as the TARDIS, it might offend her. You wouldn’t want to do that.”

With that warning, he left the room to put the box into the recharge cycle.


	5. Chapter 5

The Doctor was wandering the ship. It helped him to think. Oh, he had not lied to Jack, he was going to start the recharge cycle, but he needed the space to clear his thoughts. So, he decided to take the ‘long way around.’

First, he stopped by the medbay to collect anything that he thought they might need. He found a small backpack and put as many supplies in it as he could. It had been a long time since he had spent any substantial amount of time on a planet. And even longer without having much access to the Police Box. He really had no clue what to pack, so he just took a little of everything. Then, he went to the kitchen to pack any perishables. Most of the food would be fine, but a select few items, he knew would go bad if he left them behind. Finally, he went to the wardrobe to pack a few changes of clothes for himself and Cridhe. Sure, they could buy new clothes, but he had plenty here.

Once he felt he had everything packed, he made his way with the three bags back to the Control Room. He deposited the bags near the front doors and then made his way back to the console in order to initiate the deep recharge cycle. It would take at least forty-eight hours before he would be able to return and do anything more. He set a timer to give them two hours to vacate the ~~TARD~~ Police Box. He would need to be as careful as Jack, apparently. He figured the two hours would be enough time; they really did not have anything to do besides wait for Cridhe to wake up.

With everything set, the Doctor started to make his way to Clara’s room. That is when he had a sudden thought. If Cridhe was unsure of her powers, he might have to find a way to control them. Not just for the protection of others, but for her safety as well. He did not want to completely block them, though. Oh, this would involve going to a room on the TARDIS he had not been in since practically the very beginning. He hoped he could find it without the help of the TARDIS. He vaguely recalled it was near the Engine Room, back when the Engine had exploded.

There were some parts of the ship that simply did not shift their location often – if ever. The Engine Room was one of them. So as long as that room was still near it, it should be fairly easy to find. He pulled out his sonic and ran program 63817. Once the beeping started, he grinned. Well, even if the room was gone, the item he sought was still there, all he had to do was follow the beeps.

It did not take him as long as he had expected. The Room was now little more than a walk-in closet. When he entered it, though, it was organised just as it had been all those years ago. He made his way to the farthest corner and then he knelt down. He used his sonic to activate the secret compartment in the floor. A small, ancient wooden chest slowly rose from the floor. After taking a few moments to collect himself, he raised the lid. Everything was in its place. He removed a small pouch and slowly opened it. The black teth ring was still there. Teth was a metal whose strength was granite-like from Gallifrey. He pocketed the pouch, closed the chest, returned it to the compartment, and then sealed the compartment once again.

He made his way next door to the engine room. If the item he needed was still there, then he would be able to ensure everyone’s safety. He entered and made his way to an area that was purple in colour. Located on that part of the engine was a small Seal of Rassilon. He grinned. “You were the cause of so much grief. But I’m glad you’re here now.”

He took the pouch out of his pocket and placed the ring on the Seal. The ring fit perfectly into one of the swirls. He then pressed a button. There was a bright flash of light and after it dissipated, the ring still glowed. He took out his sonic and programmed a new setting: 12-H56. Then he aimed the sonic at the ring, activated the setting, and grinned when the ring stopped glowing, though the black teth was now engraved with silver Gallifreyan Script. “Perfect.”

He pocketed everything and made his way back to Clara’s bedroom. He again was able to use his sonic, this time to scan for Jack Harkness, in order to get back. He slowly entered the room. He smiled as he saw the way Jack looked at Cridhe. If he was honest, he was in just as much shock as Jack, but it was comforting to know that Jack was already as fond of Cridhe as he was. He sat next to the man who could not stay dead.

Jack seemed to startle out of his reverie, but his voice was soft to not wake the sleeping woman. “Get everything taken care of?”

The Doctor nodded. “And a few other things besides.”

Jack raised an eyebrow at that. The Doctor shrugged. “Just something that hopefully will ensure everyone’s safety. Don’t want her drifting off to the Middle Ages.”

Jack smirked. “What, you mean like the parking brake?”

“Something like that. Though if the Seal still worked, and all indications say it did, then it will ensure she won’t be able to travel anywhere on her own.”

Jack chuckled at that. “You’re sounding a bit paranoid, Doctor. I mean, she’s human now. What can she do?”

The Doctor’s eyes narrowed slightly, but his face showed only concern. “I told you, she _is_ the TARDIS. After talking with her, she has a flesh form, even some similar biological parts to Humans or Time Lords, but I suspect, given the chance, she would figure out that she would still have most of her abilities. This would prevent her from using them. It’s a trick the Time Lords used to punish me, many years ago.”

Jack looked at the Doctor. “In the 70’s. When you worked for UNIT. Everyone said you wanted to be here, but I knew it couldn’t be that easy. What happened?”

“I saved planets one too many times.”

“Time Lord were sworn to never interfere. I didn’t know they punished people for going against that.”

“Those were different days, Jack. And I was a renegade. I had broken so many of their laws by then. They had to use me to set an example.”

Jack nodded. “So they stranded you here. But you had the TARDIS, I’ve seen pictures.”

The Doctor shook his head. “They had changed the dematerialisation codes and locked out some of the controls.”

“They could do that?”

“It’s like a computer having a separate serial number so that when you download information, companies know about it.”

“That’s why I always rebuild my computers myself. Besides, I need to make sure they can work with the Vortex Manipulator.” He tapped his wrist strap.

“Anyway, the Seal was still in the engine room, so I transferred the properties to the ring. If I put the ring on her and activate it, it should prevent her from travelling without my knowledge. If she still can. This particular ring also serves as a bio-dampener.”

“Well, that’s probably the best part of the protection for her. Goodness knows what attention she might attract.”

The Doctor nodded his agreement and the pair lapsed into silence, both watching over the woman.

Cridhe slept for another ten minutes, before she started to slowly stir. The Doctor and Jack both held their breaths. She opened her eyes and looked around. They came to rest on the pair sitting in the chairs. She pulled a small, slightly disturbed face. “I am certain you feel you are behaving in a chivalrous manner, however having two men stare at me like that is less than comforting.”

The Doctor moved to sit on the bed beside her. He took her gloved hand in his and slid his fingers to her pulse point. “How are you feeling?”

“Better than I was before I fell asleep.”

The Doctor nodded. Through the gloves, it was a little difficult to take her pulse, but as much as he could tell, she seemed fine. “Good. Any nightmares?”

She shook her head. “Not since you blocked the pathways.”

The Doctor looked slightly surprised. She offered a small smile. “I am not human.”

He could not argue with that. He should have known she would sense him. “You didn’t fight me off.”

“I knew it was you and that you were trying to help me.” She looked over to Jack. “Both of you.”

“It was my pleasure.” Jack replied with a smile and a sultry tone.

She could not resist her echoing smile. “I am sure that it was.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes. “You two are going to flirt like that the entire time, aren’t you.”

Cridhe shrugged, but Jack answered. “It’s really not that different from how we flirted before. It’s just I can hear her replies now.”

The Doctor decided it was best to not respond to any of that. He held out his hand to Cridhe offering to help her sit up. “Just go slow, we don’t want the blood to rush from your head too quickly.”

She gave a nod and a few moments later she was standing under her own power. “My legs are working much better this time.”

“That’s not unusual. You had only just been born last time. Jack, why don’t you put the chairs back? I need a moment with Cridhe.”

“Sure.” With that Jack started to get the chairs out of the room. He pulled both into the hallway first, because he knew that would give the Doctor more alone time with the TARDIS.

Once Jack had left the room the Doctor turned to face Cridhe. “I have an idea that will hopefully protect you and everyone else.”

He slid his hand into a pocket and pulled forth the little pouch. He opened the pouch and poured the ring onto his free hand. Cridhe gasped when she saw the ring. She knew the contents of everything within the box. She knew what the ring was and the significance it held for her Doctor. She looked up at him and slowly shook her head. “No. I cannot wear that.”

He smiled. “I want you to. Take off one of your gloves.”

“Doctor, she gave it to you to remind you of her before you left Gallifrey. It would be dishonourable.”

“She did. And she died long before the first time I returned to Gallifrey. I want you to wear it. I think if she knew you she would want you to wear it. I’ve given it special properties. It will function as a bio-damper and I hope it will also…”

She tilted her head and frowned. “You think I still have the ability to manipulate the whole of time and space. You wish to ground me as the Time Lords had so many years ago.”

The Doctor looked a little sheepish. “You heard me talking to Jack while you were sleeping.”

“Not consciously. However, I have also known you for many years.”

“I want to keep you safe. Once you are used to your body, then I’ll remove it. But, please. For now… I… I would be lost if I lost you.”

She smiled. “If it will bring you comfort, I will do your bidding. That is how it has always worked between us, is it not?”

“Well that’s not how it always works from my perspective, but in the end you’re always right.”

“I am connected to the whole of time and space, being correct is a fact of my existence.” As she spoke, Cridhe removed the glove from her right hand. She offered the hand to her Thief, but then retracted it. “I will still be able to sense time and space, I hope? I am unsure what would happen to me if I lacked that connection.”

The Doctor sighed. “I don’t know. Put it on, I’ll activate it, and we’ll see.”

She used her gloved hand to pick the ring up. “It is more beautiful than I remember.” She slid it first on her ring finger of her right hand. It was too big for that finger, so she put it on the middle finger.

Once he was sure it fit, the Doctor pulled out his sonic and activated setting 12-H56. He stood close to Cridhe in case there were any adverse effects. “How are you feeling?”

She shook her head. “It would seem that nothing has changed. I should have been able to feel something.”

The Doctor smiled. “No you shouldn’t. Put your glove back on, we’re going to leave the Box and stay with Jack. I set it for a deep recharge cycle.”

“You clever boy! I did not even need to suggest that to you.”

“Yes, well, I’ve learned a lot since the last time we were able to talk. Come on.”

They met Jack in the console room. The Doctor had estimated two hours for the deep recharge cycle to begin, but he should have given himself more time. The control room was already dark. Just a hint of light was left, like the final edge of reflected light at the end of a sunset. Jack stood by the door waiting for them.

Cridhe stopped dead in her tracks. She was shocked to see what the power drain was doing, without being able to feel it physically. She suddenly did not want to leave; she almost started to panic. She wondered what would happen if she left. What would become of her home?

The Doctor put his hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Looks different, doesn’t it?” he said, “But no worries, it’s a new adventure out there for you. All those times I wanted to have you with me and now I can!”

He flashed a smile that was bright. She felt like it was too bright, almost fake. It nearly lit up the room, but it did little to change her feelings about the matter, especially, since that was not why she was worried. That was another cause for concern. They were no longer connected. At least before, she could sometimes let him know why she was worried. Whether or not he understood her was another matter.

The Doctor walked around the console pushing more buttons and made some small adjustments. He had a perplexed look on his face. “It’s not going to sleep, why not?”

Cridhe walked over to him and touched his elbow to get his attention. “Because, my Idiot, you need _me_.”

She removed one of the gloves and placed her bare hand on the Centre Column. It sputtered a bit. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and it, along with the rest of the room came to life. She was panting as she spoke, “You have sixty Earth seconds.”

She put her glove back on. The Doctor started to work. “Jack, don’t just stand there, come here, and catch her before she falls over.”

Jack ran across the room while the Doctor worked. “Anything for a friend,” he mumbled.

Just as he got to her, Cridhe lost balance, falling gently into his arms. He manoeuvred her into a cradled position. As she came around, she saw Jack’s face. “This is a change. Last time it was you clinging to me for dear life.”

She smiled softly while he looked at her baffled.

“Ah! That’s got it,” the Doctor cried, “Let’s go.”

He led the way out, grabbing the packed bags and Cridhe’s coat.

As Jack was about to cross the threshold of the door, Cridhe straightened her body against him, thus making it impossible for Jack to walk through it and cried, “No!”

She started to panic, repeating “no,” over and over and struggled against him.

Jack had backed across the little bridge with her, so she would not hurt herself against anything. The Doctor walked back in and spoke with just a hint of trepidation. “Jack, put her down.”

When Jack just stood there, the Doctor repeated with more urgency. “Jack. Put her down. Go ahead out. We’ll follow in a bit.”

Jack put her down and the Doctor gave him the items he had been carrying as they crossed paths. She calmed down a bit once Jack had set her down. Jack exited the Police Box and into the Heath, but he waited for them at a nearby bench.

Cridhe stood next to the bridge staring at the doors; crippled with fear. “I cannot do it... Please do not make me leave.”

The Doctor lowered his voice and spoke with a calm gentleness that was rare in this body. “Look at me.” He paused. “Cridhe. Look at me.”

She shook her head ‘no.’ She took another couple steps and sank onto the lowest step of a set of stairs. She gestured around the room that had gone dark again. “For nearly my entire life, this has been me. The Time Lords harvested me from Anthozoa long before I was of age. I was inserted into a Matrix before I was old enough to even understand what I was supposed to do. Time Lords came and went, but I stayed the same.” She smirked looking at her gloved hands. “Well, mostly. You,” she continued without looking at him, “Even you changed; your companions came and went. But me; the same.”

The Doctor could tell she had a growing panic, although her voice was calm. “And now,” she continued, her eyes focused on the light spilling in through the open door, “Now, you want me to just walk out those doors as if it is easy to do so. As if the ‘adventure’ over-rides the fact that I will be leaving a piece of myself behind.”

The truth had been spoken. She was not afraid to leave the Box, she was not afraid of the adventure on the outside, she was afraid of losing what little of herself she knew. Although she showed no signs of tears, the Doctor had to keep his emotions in check. “Oh,” he said as he realized what had happened. “I didn’t think, I didn’t mean to rush you. I should have given you a chance to… to,” he struggled for the right word, “to say goodbye.”

He paused as he approached her slowly. He squatted down on his haunches in front of her before continuing. “Cridhe, look at me.”

She was afraid, because this was how he had spoken to Donna the night he had to wipe her memory. “Cridhe, please.”

The ‘please’ caught her attention, because that was different, especially in this body. This great and mighty Time Lord who had fought devils and monsters, Daleks and Cybermen and mothers, she smirked to herself, across the entire universe had said to her, a mere TARDIS, not much more than a servant, ‘please.’ She slowly made eye contact.

The Doctor had to hold himself back; every fibre in his being wanted to have the psychic connection right then – it would be so easy just to brush Cridhe’s cheek – but he knew that would not help matters, not this time. He also had to prevent himself from reaching out and hugging her. Imposing his desire to ‘make everything better’ would only make things worse. This had to be on her terms; all he could do was try to coax her out.

Their eyes met and he felt his mouth run dry as he thought, ‘ _Good job, idiot, what are you going to say now?’_ He considered her for a moment more. “Cridhe,” he began softly barely above a whisper, “This…” he gestured around the Console Room as she had, turning slightly each direction on the balls of his feet. He looked back at her, catching her eyes with his own, “This is just… stuff. It’s not who you are.” He took his hand, laid it on her chest, and felt her heartbeat. He smiled softly, took one of her hands with his free hand, and laid it on top of his. He slowly removed his bottom most hand and left her hand touching her chest. “ _This_ is who you are,” he finished softly while gently adding a bit of pressure on her hand.

She sat there quietly for a few moments; eyes closed, felt her heartbeat, and tried to understand what he meant. His other hand was still resting on top of hers. “So,” she began slowly while opening her eyes, “You are not angry… about… this?”

He was not sure which ‘this’ she was referring to: her physical presence, everything with Jack, or her reactions. Perhaps she meant all of it. It did not matter, he was not angry with her. As he thought about that, she lowered her hand and rested both in her lap. He spoke quietly and gently, “Oh, no, no, no, no," as he moved to sit next to her. "Why would I be? I have dreamed about being able to talk to you again and now I get to.”

She did not seem to notice and she leaned her head against his shoulder as she sighed. “So,” she spoke softly, hesitantly, “This is still me. Just a different desktop theme…” She paused; she could feel him nodding, though he said nothing. “’Life depends on change and renewal.’ You said that once,” she looked up at him.

“That I did, m’dear, that I did,” he responded, taking on a bit of the tone of his Second self. He reached his arm around her and pulled her in for a hug. They sat like that for a few moments.

“When you hug like this, what are you hiding?”

He looked down at her and smiled. “I’m not. But I’m letting you hide. Or maybe even protecting you.”

She nodded her head in agreement. She went quiet again for some moments. “Doctor,” she spoke ever so softly now, “I think I can do this... with your help.”

He beamed with pride at her courage and said softly, “I know you can.”

He planted a kiss on the corner of her forehead. The connection was established for a brief moment. Perhaps because of the ring, or maybe she was learning to control her abilities, but this time did not feel overwhelming. This time felt like old times, he saw simply all of her and she saw all of him. No words exchanged; there was no need. It was just the common and comforting bond the pair was used to.

After a few moments, he stood, reached out his right hand, and twiddled his fingers to her. He had performed this gesture so many times to various companions over the years, now he was doing it to her, and she faltered. She looked up into his grinning face and he gestured with a nod of his head. “Come on.”

She offered a small smile and grabbed his hand with her own and he helped her to stand.

They walked across the ramp and she paused again when they reached the doors. The Doctor had already stepped through the doors of the Police Box, but left her holding his hand on the other side. He waited patiently for her. She took one last glimpse behind her to the Control Room. As she did, she felt a reassuring squeeze of his hand. She took a gulp and turned back around. His encouraging eyes met hers. She would be all right; her Doctor had accepted her as his companion, so she stepped through the doors.


	6. Chapter 6

"There you two are," Jack said as they exited the Box. "I think if we take this path, it will exit closest to my place."

The Doctor reached into his pocket to retrieve the key to the Police Box. Without power, the doors would not lock automatically. Cridhe, still holding his hand, gave it a squeeze to gain his attention. “Doctor?”

It was a plea and he stopped in his tracks. He looked at her and knew she needed to be the one to lock the doors. He gestured with his left hand while he spoke in a tone of his fourth self. “Off you go, then.”

She looked at him. “Not like that.”

She held out her hand for the key. The Doctor looked between her and the key. He nodded his understanding and let the key fall into her hands. She took a gulp and walked over to the Box. She rested one hand on the door. From his perspective, the Doctor thought she was trying to see if there was a psychic connection, as he so often had done himself. She sighed disappointedly, inserted the key, and locked the doors. She turned around and presented the key back to the Doctor. He looked at her with just a hint of pride. "You keep it."

She smiled and slid the key into a pocket. The smile wavered slightly when she thought back to the time that Clara had wanted to destroy all the TARDIS keys. The Doctor caught the expression. “All right?”

She hadn’t told him about that. Some things were best to keep from him. She looked around them and shook her head, ‘no.’

The Doctor nodded, stepped closer to her, and leaned down to whisper in her ear. “Good, because I’m not either. But we have each other. And we have the Captain. So, we’ll get there.”

She nodded, trying to accept his words.

Jack, for his part, could tell something important had transpired in that moment, but made no comment about it. He clapped loudly and rubbed his hands together. “It’s starting to get dark, so we should get moving. Besides, I haven’t had dinner yet and I’m starving.”

Jack handed the Doctor one of the bags and Cridhe’s jacket to her. The two men helped her to put it on. That was when the light caught Cridhe’s skin just right and Jack stopped to stare at her. “Cridhe, are you okay?”

The Doctor stopped at Jack’s words and he too looked at the woman. That was when he saw what Jack had seen. Fine scars covered her skin. Neither had noticed them before – maybe because the light had been too dim in the rooms. “We’ll look you over better at Jack’s place. I don’t want to attract any attention.”

Jack coughed, jokingly. “You two just came out of a little blue box, ten minutes after me…”

“Stop it, Jack.”

Jack just shrugged at the Doctor’s order. “You’re the one talking about not attracting attention,” he cleared his throat, “This way, then.”

Jack led them out of the Heath and to his house, which was actually a second-floor flat. It was indeed roomy. The windows on the front faced the street and the ones to the back overlooked the Heath. Cridhe rushed to the windows overlooking the Heath. “Beautiful.”

Jack had showed the Doctor to the kitchen where the Doctor was unpacking the food he had brought, but at Cridhe’s comment he came over to her. He rested his hands on her shoulders and nodded. His soft American tones floated through the air. “I’m quite fond of it myself. It’s going to be a shame to let this place go when I have to.”

The Doctor joined them, having finished with unpacking for now. “Cridhe, I think we should look at you again. Jack, have you got anywhere with decent lighting?”

“The kitchen is best. We can have her sit on the counter.”

The Doctor nodded at the suggestion and the three of them gathered in the aforementioned room. Jack helped Cridhe to sit on the counter and the Doctor found some gloves in the medical kit he had brought. For her part, Cridhe was anxious. She was unsure what was happening or why.

The Doctor tried to sooth her. “It’s all right. We just noticed something and we want to make sure you’re okay.”

She looked at him, not quite reassured. “This is new for all of us. I do not know what ‘okay’ is supposed to look like.”

Jack rolled his eyes at her. “Physically. And the Doctor and I have seen enough different species to know how you should look.”

She frowned. “Do I not look right?”

The Doctor, now with gloved hands, began to help her remove her gloves. “We just noticed you had scars. Someone this recently born shouldn’t have skin that’s scuffed up.”

Her frown deepened and she pulled out of the Doctor’s hold. “Jack noticed first. Let him.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow at her, but shrugged and gestured that Jack should take over. Jack stepped up to her a bit hesitantly. “But that’s not the real reason.”

She shrugged. “You can touch me without getting hurt. And if you are concerned with scars, is it not better to feel them?”

The Doctor nodded and released a tension he had not realised he had been holding. “Good point.”

With that, Jack continued to remove her other glove. He held her hands in his. He was glad that she was not trying to enter his mind this time. Yet, he could hear the familiar hum he was used to: soothing and quiet. He rubbed his thumbs over the back of her hands. He then lifted them into the better lighting and showed the Doctor. “They’re not raised like normal scars. It’s… more like a pattern in her skin. But in the light.”

The Doctor nodded. “They look like typical scars.” He shifted his focus to the TARDIS. “But why, Cridhe?”

She shrugged. “Life. I have had many experiences. Not all of them good."

That was hauntingly similar to what the Doctor had said to Clara, so long ago now.  Cridhe continued. " I had a long life before we stole each other, Doctor. Like the rest of me, these are the manifestations of those experiences in flesh.”

Both the Doctor and Jack’s expressions fell at her response. She frown, concerned. “What? Did I do something wrong?”

Jack’s attention snapped to her eyes. “No!" Then more calmly spoke, "No.”

He gave a gentle rub to the backs of her hands again and then let one go so he could cup her cheek. “I can’t speak for the Doctor, but I was just thinking about all the things you’ve been through and I never once thought about how it might have harmed you.”

She shrugged. “They do not hurt, if that is your concern.”

The Doctor knew there was more to the story, but he would talk with her about it later. “That’s good enough for me. And since we can only see them in certain light, it’s unlikely anyone else would ever notice.”

He paused for a moment and decided that Jack needed a break. “Jack, you mentioned something about dinner. Why don’t you go order something and Cridhe and I will get more settled in.”

Jack nodded mutely and went off to take care of things. The Doctor took Jack’s place near Cridhe. He bent down enough so they could make eye contact. “I want to know how you got some of these scars. I want to know how different things affected you. But first, we should settle in and get something to eat.”

The Doctor did not leave much room for debate, but Cridhe did not mind. She did not want to talk about this right now anyway. Jack showed them to the spare room. There was a full size bed and a large sofa, but he suggested that the bed was comfortable enough for two. Cridhe giggled and the Doctor gave Jack a playful swat to the back of his head. After they had unpacked some of their belongings, the Doctor and Cridhe joined Jack in the kitchen.

The pizza had just been delivered and they all sat down to eat, contented with random conversation. Jack seemed more relaxed here in his own environment. The Doctor and Jack again explained the concept of chewing to Cridhe when she tried to gulp down a slice of pizza whole. But, it was done in a playful manner to not embarrass her too much.

The Doctor and Cridhe kept the conversation steered away from Torchwood to respect Jack, who seemed still to be grieving over it. He gladly shared with them about Gwen, Rhys, and the baby. Once those details were out, Jack started to share about some of his wild adventures, which got the Doctor going. Cridhe, for her part, just gladly listened, finding it a different experience to hear the stories and see the physical expressions, rather than just knowing through the psychic connections. The Doctor and Jack became competitive in their stories and that made the stories wilder and funnier as they went along. Not to be out-done, Cridhe suddenly blurted out, through peels of laughter, “And… And… Remember, when we were on the _Crucible_ and I almost _died_?”

She was laughing, almost hysterically. Jack and the Doctor just sat there in shocked silence. They stared at her for a long moment. Cridhe was still giggling a bit, but the Doctor was the first to speak, “Don’t. Just don't.”

She looked at him trying to control her giggles with the wide eyes of a playful child who was clueless of the pain the conversation was inflicting. “But, we got them, in the end! Those pesky Daleks,” she winked.

The Doctor swallowed down the pain to make his voice work. "That. It wasn't funny. None of it."

Jack still had not said anything, but could tell from the way the Doctor was staring at Cridhe, that he did not want to be in the room much longer. “Ok, then, on that note, I’m gonna clean up.” He gathered the plates and boxes, but left the glasses of water. “I have a bit of work to finish up in the office, if you need me, I’ll be there,” he finished.

‘Office’ was just Jack’s word for it. It was a room at the front of the flat away from the kitchen, while the floor plan was an open one, it would allow for enough privacy for Cridhe and the Doctor.

As he was standing behind the Doctor, Jack put one hand on each shoulder and gave them a gentle squeeze. The Doctor tensed slightly; he still did not like touch in this body. Jack leaned down and said in the Doctor's ear, “Go gentle on her. I don’t think she understands what she’s saying.”

The Doctor gave a slight nod to indicate he heard Jack, but kept a steady and piercing gaze on Cridhe. Jack then ducked out of the room, offering a small encouraging wink at her.

As Jack left, Cridhe started to feel like a kid called to the principle’s office without being told why. The Doctor just stared at her for a long time. Finally she shifted under his gaze, the temptation to run from whatever was about to happen grew stronger. She had never been afraid of her Pilot and while she was not necessarily afraid of him now, memories of her first Time Lord, were things she tried to forget for a reason. ‘Tyrant’ was an understatement; his name, Kenodoxia, had a rather apt English translation: vainglorious.

The Doctor picked up on her desire to run and spoke in a threateningly quiet manner, “Don’t move.”

She froze, but her fear got the better of her and she lashed out like a scared animal. “What? What did I do? What did I say? You two were sharing your dangerous adventures! You made them sound funny, so I thought I should share one from the last time we were all together.”

The Doctor, in pained silence, considered her for a moment. It had been so long ago, yet it still hurt to think of that moment. He was trapped by Davros and had no way to save her. His Scottish tones were rough with the emotion. “Is that what it was for you: a dangerous adventure?”

She opened her mouth to speak, instead he continued, preventing her from saying anything. “And before you answer, I remind you that we were psychically linked when that happened.”

He touched the side of his head with two fingers of one hand.

Cridhe squirmed in her chair. She had ruined everything. Her job was to help her Doctor; make him feel better. Now, he was so angry and so quiet. She had never felt his wrath like this before and she knew it had nothing to do with her flesh form. She had never been the cause of his anger before – not like this. But, he had no reason to be angry now. She was fine and everything was okay! Cridhe said nothing in reply. She tried to look away, but could not; it was as if she was frozen in place by his gaze. But, she could not deny the pain in the Doctor’s expression. In the face of that pain, it was not about the adventure any more.

“That’s what I thought.” He pushed his chair back and still holding her attention with his gaze, he walked around the table to take the chair next to hers. He took her gloved hands into his own. She was hesitant and afraid of his wrath. But, the anger left him as he held her hands in his own and was replaced by profound sorrow.

“We were psychically linked,” he began slowly, trying again to hold back the onslaught of emotions, “I felt you screaming in pain. Dying. I felt you pleading for me to rescue you and there was nothing I could do. I could only watch. And feel what was happening to you.”

She squirmed again. She did not want to be the cause of this kind of suffering and did not want to be told of how it had affected him. This version of him did not do ‘touchy-feely’ and for very good reasons. If he for one moment allowed that to happen – the weight of it would crush both of them. They had been through so much and at some point it was better to simply not acknowledge painful experiences. She had been okay with that approach. She had not thought changing her encasing would change that rule. Obviously, she had misjudged.

He held her attention. “I also knew you were doing as much as you could to protect Donna. You knew she would die, but even as you suffered, you were doing what you could to save her. I felt you trying to create a cocoon around her, allowing other rooms to be destroyed, parts of yourself to be cut off. I could feel the parts of yourself that were burning.”

Cridhe opened her mouth then, in an effort to say something, but nothing would come.

“I thought I’d lost you,” the Doctor continued, “We all did. I could tell that even Rose was affected by watching you die, at least a little.”

The words suddenly came to Cridhe. “And now, you want me to face that again. You want to hear the story from me.”

He nodded his head. She went to remove her gloves, but he held fast to her hands. “Not like that. Use words, as I have.”

The sorrow in his eyes increased, though no tears were shed. They also were pleading. She raised a hand and took his cheek in it. “I can’t cause you more pain than I already have.”

He closed his eyes, leaned into the touch. “I think it would be good… for both of us.”

She nodded as she lowered her hand while biting her lower lip. “Okay, but I think we’d be more comfortable on the sofa.”

The Doctor sighed heavily while nodding his agreement. He helped her to stand, took hold of their glasses of water, and together they walked to the sofa. Jack had been watching them from across the room and when he saw them, he knew it would be all right, so he returned to his work.

When they were sitting, Cridhe could see Jack working on the other side of the room. “I think,” she said softly, “That Jack should be here too. I don’t want to go through this twice.”

The Doctor shook his head. “No. This is between you and me.”

If the Doctor were honest with himself, he was being a bit selfish. He did not want to share her with anyone. And Jack’s comment about kissing her had stung a bit. Not that he wanted to kiss her. But Jack could touch her in a way that he was incapable. He could be with her in a way he never had before, yet touching her was still limited.

Cridhe nodded, admitting to herself that had been a lame attempt to hold off what was about to be said. He was looking intently and expectantly at her. Her mouth had run dry and she took a sip of water. “I do not know where to begin.”

She looked to him for help, wishing he would once again take the lead. He closed his eyes and thought for a moment, he did not want to make her think about the Daleks capturing her, but they had never discussed any of this before. Each had been locked in their own silence and suffering about the events of that day. Even within the psychic connection they had just celebrated returning Earth to her proper orbit and mourning over losing Donna. He swallowed hard. “Start after I stopped my regeneration.”

Cridhe winced, the Doctor was not going to make this easy on her; he wanted the entire story. She nodded, “Very well.” She looked at him and offered a sympathetic smile. “I could feel your mixed emotions. Confusion and even hurt that Rose had asked you not to change. In a way, she revealed that she didn't love the Time Lord but only 'Her Doctor.'” She paused, “Does it pain you to hear this?”

He shook his head; it was strangely comforting to have his feelings from the time affirmed. Even though he had to return Rose to the other universe, hearing his TARDIS speak of it, confirmed his decision.

Cridhe continued, “And yet you had joy that she had found you. Even then, I knew you would not be able to keep her with you. She had established herself too well in the other universe. And she had been considered dead in this one. There really was not another way.”

She did not know how to explain that she partly blamed Rose for the fact that her Doctor had been shot. She looked at him and he was looking straight ahead, she was unable to sense how he felt about that. She bit her lower lip, debating about how to continue. She swallowed hard. “I tried to get your attention when the Daleks had surrounded me, the little joy you had I was about to ruin. They activated the Temporal Prison, preventing me from having even the limited control you would allow. I – I had nothing, it seemed. I was bound, defences down, and there was nothing I could do. I shrunk away trying to conserve my energy and powered only the basic systems, since the prison prevented me from doing anything more. I was scared, Doctor. I had never been that afraid in all my life, not even during the Time War.”

She glanced at him and saw her fear reflected in his eyes. “What you could not hear was his heartbeat.”

She went quiet. She had no way to know if the Doctor could remember that far back in his own history. He raised an eyebrow.  “That soon?”

Cridhe nodded. “He was alive as soon as you finished the transfer or at least his heart was beating. Donna heard it too, that is why she seemed so distracted, though it was not until she paused at the doors that I knew she too could hear it.”

She took a sip of water before continuing, “The Daleks were calling all of you out into the _Crucible_ , but the heartbeat called to Donna and I more strongly. I knew I had to keep them safe: Donna and well, ‘Human You.’ I knew it would cause a panic for the rest of you, but it had to be done. Both of them were needed and they had to be kept safe.”

The Doctor seemed almost pale with the memory. She set her glass down and took his hand in her gloved one, interlacing their fingers. She knew the next part would only be worse for both of them. She gulped her fear down and continued slowly and quietly. “I was falling, falling so far – so fast! That was an experience unique for me. It was nothing like falling through the Vortex. And the heat; was a terrible fire. I could feel myself exploding from the Z-Neutrino energy. I was dying! I tried to remain calm, but nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I could not stop myself from crying out, ‘Doctor! My Pilot, save me!’ Then, I remembered Donna! ‘The Doctor’s best friend since the Time War, I will protect you as long as I can.’ I mustered all my energy working against the Temporal Prison to shift rooms around, I had to make sure that the Control Room would last as long as possible. But, even that seemed to fail.”

She looked at him, her eyes commanding the attention of his. “I was failing you. I knew you charged me with the protection of your companions, and… I was failing this time.”

Understanding and regret flashed across the Doctor’s face: she carried the burden of the Universe the way he did. She understood that to lose even one was to fail. For the first time, he truly understood that any failure of his was also a failure for her. How many times had they failed? The Doctor kept count; he figured the TARDIS had as well – her count was probably more accurate in the end. He could go all the way back to Katarina. She had been the first. Oh, that was so very long ago, now.

Cridhe continued, “Then, I heard the sound of the heartbeat again. I was distracted. I could sense you… So far away! And through you, I could tell the Daleks were delighting in our suffering! And it made my heart break. You had done so much for me. You, my Doctor, had been the Time Lord to acknowledge and accept the living creature that I am. At that point, I tried to shrink away from you; I did not want you to feel what I was feeling. But you held fast to the connection… you would not let me die alone.”

Cridhe gasped for breath, this was so much worse than any nightmare could be. The Doctor squeezed her hand to encourage her. She looked at him, tears running down his cheeks, but he made no sound. Then her face contorted. "Something feels strange."

The Doctor looked at her, he could tell she had not said that as part of the story. "What? What's wrong?"

She shook her head, "I am unsure," then she dry-heaved.

He looked around the couch. There was a small rubbish bin on his side and he retrieved it setting it at her feet. "What is that f..." she did not get a chance to finish as she vomited into the bin.

He sighed as he gathered her hair out of the way and began to rub her back in slow gentle circles. He thought to himself, " _Not quite what I was hoping... but now, I know she's holding her emotions in_."

When she thought she was done, she sat up a bit. "Something is wrong with me."

He reached for a tissue from the box on the side table and handed it to her to wipe her face. "Don’t know about Flesh, but this happens to Humans on occasion. Especially when they hold traumatic events in."

She looked at him, wondering if he was calling her “unbalanced” in his own way. He handed her the tumbler of water. "Sip, don't swallow."

When she had done that, he took it. "Swish the water around."

As Cridhe swished, he went to the sink, refilled the glass and found two small flannels that he ran under the water and squeezed the excess out.

Jack looked up at the sounds but the Doctor just shook his head at him. It was not anything he could not take care of. When he got back to the couch, he noticed Cridhe was still swishing. “Umm, you can spit into the bin now.”

Her face contorted again when she spat. "You were right all those years ago: Humans are disgusting!"

He smiled sympathetically as he wiped her face with one of the cloths. He handed the glass to her as he sat down. "Here, now drink a little. Slowly."

She took a couple of sips and sighed. "Doctor, this is one Flesh experience I never want to go through again!"

He smiled a bit broader. "See? That’s normal. Most humans would say the same thing."

That did not exactly cheer her up. But she did not argue that she was not human. He took the clean flannel and put it on the back of her neck.

They sat in silence for a few minutes while Cridhe processed what had happened. The Doctor was again gently rubbing her back, but the smell from the bin was getting to her. She leaned over, the Doctor thought she was going to be sick again, but she gathered the bag to close off the smell. While she did that, he moved himself a little so he was at the end of the couch. When she was done with the bin, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and encouraged her to lie down. She resisted slightly, knowing he did not like touch, but he used a little more pressure to encourage her. “It’s all right.”

Cridhe rested her head on the Doctor’s thigh, closed her eyes, and slowed her breathing down a bit. He took the other moist flannel and used it to cool her face down. He watched her, offering gentle rubs on her shoulder or lightly playing with her hair. After a few more minutes, he spoke. "I couldn't."

She turned slightly so she could look at him. He met her eyes, so she rotated onto her back, moving the cloth on her neck so she would not ruin his trousers. She wanted to look at him completely. “Hum?”

"I couldn't let you die alone. You had done so much for me..." his voice trailed off as his hand found her stomach and he gently massaged it.

She grimaced with emotion, but still did not cry. After a few moments, she continued with her story. “I felt hopeless at first. I knew that if I was not limited by the mechanics of the console, I could have saved Donna and myself. But, I could not remain desolate for long, you had done so much for me, it was not your fault that you were taught to set limits on us. So I tried to comfort you. ‘No, Sweet Doctor, it will be all right. I have done all I can for you. It has been an amazing journey. This moment has been prepared for. Do not despair for me.’ Then, something started to happen. I was not sure what it was, but suddenly, you were there again. Only not you, because he only had one heartbeat. I had heard the same heartbeat earlier. Different, but the same. She, Donna, had changed as well – sort of. Anyway, he moved over to the console and pushed the release button. That allowed me to have the freedom to move. I could not go far given how tired and wounded I was, but far enough. To safety.”

The Doctor gasped, he did not know he had been holding his breath. He looked down to face Cridhe. She continued, taking a great interest in the flannel in her hand. “I am sorry I had to close myself off from you, but I was so tired, I did not have the energy to reach you across that distance. Besides, it was better for everyone if there was no way for the Daleks to know the truth.”

He smiled softly while playing with the curls in her hair as he remembered the joy he felt when he saw her materialize on the _Crucible_ again. He whispered. “You did the right thing. Painful as it was at the time, it was the right thing.”

Cridhe gazed into the Doctor’s eyes. “And what about you? What happened? What did they do to you?”

He tried to downplay his emotional state. “Ah, well, you know the Daleks, lots of taunting and tormenting. Killing, but not killing Jack.”

He grinned down at her. She reached her hand to his cheek again. “Play fair, Thief. I want to know. I _need_ to know. Neither of us has shared about this with each other.”

He nodded, sighing. “I…” he started, two octaves too high. He cleared his throat, “I could only watch in horror. And I was torn between my love for you and my love for Donna.”

She offered a sad smile. “Liar.”

He looked down on her. “No really, I was. It was horrible to feel you calling to me and to know there was nothing I could do. I offered myself up…”

“…For Donna,” she finished for him.

He looked hurt, but she sat up without looking at him. “Doctor, do you really think that I am clueless about what went through your head? I understand. That version of you was always conflicted over how real I was to you. Some moments I was more real than others. I do not hold it against you, I just thought we were being honest right now.”

The Doctor knew Cridhe did not offer that to comfort him and he knew she was not as okay with it as she sounded. She was sitting; leaning forward using her arms on her knees for support and resting her head on her clasped hands. She could not bring herself to look at him. The Doctor paused and after a few moments silence, he continued. "They asked me what it felt like, feeling you die. They offered, ‘Anger, Sorrow, Despair.’ I replied, ‘Yeah…’ But that was only because at the time, there were no words to describe what I felt.”

She turned her head to look at him, waiting for him to finish.

“For the first time since the Time War, I felt completely and utterly alone and terrified.”  Silent tears streamed down his face again. He met her eyes as he continued, "Until that moment, I never considered what silence there would be without you in my mind. I realized then, even after the Time War, I wasn't really alone, as long as I had you."

She looked at him, smiled faintly, and then felt nauseous again. She grabbed the bin and opened the bag just as she vomited. When she composed herself, she looked at him and said anxiously, as if she were afraid of some punishment, “Sorry… I…”

He had the flannel in his hand again and wiped her mouth. “Cridhe, you’ve got to learn to let your emotions out another way, or this might always happen. You’re Flesh now. Things are different.”

Cridhe looked confused and hurt, not at all understanding what the Doctor's words meant. Then she felt tired, extremely tired, and a bit dizzy. "Doctor, I'm...."

It was another phrase of hers left unfinished.


	7. Chapter 7

The Doctor caught her as she fell limp and adjusted her so she was lying on the couch. Jack came over to them using a shouting whisper. "What did you do to her? I told you to go gentle."

“I DID!" the Doctor replied hoarsely.

Jack then noticed the concern and fear across the Doctor's face. "What's wrong...?”

The Doctor cut in, shaking his head. "I don't know."

The Doctor sighed and used the flannel to wipe the sweat forming on Cridhe's brow. He spoke bitterly. "There's never been anything like this before, Jack. Even a Human-Time Lord metacrisis doesn't hold a candle to this.”

Jack noticed the bin next to her feet. "Did she?"

The Doctor could only nod.

"Right, then we have something to analyse."

"Jack, she's," the Doctor tried to argue, but words failed him.

"She's not an experiment?" Jack replied, "I realize that, but maybe this will help us figure out what's going on. I'll start running it through the tests."

As Cridhe slept, they ran what tests they could with the supplies Jack had around his flat. Eventually, they ended up sat by the kitchen table. Jack had just set down two mugs of tea. The Doctor looked at Jack questioningly. Jack shrugged. “I might have an American accent, but I’m British enough.”

He attempted a smooth smile, but the Doctor merely nodded his head. Jack sat in one of the chairs and picked up a sheet of computer print-out. "The readings are all a bit skewed. I can’t make heads or tales of them. She’s got human properties, but something plant-like as well."

"Jack," the Doctor retorted, "You know that's not actually telling me anything I didn’t already know."

Things between the Doctor and Jack had been different ever since the events that led to and included The-Year-That-Never-Was. Even though Jack still frustrated and annoyed the Doctor with his various antics (especially the ones of a sexual nature), the Doctor trusted Jack and was secretly pleased when he sensed Jack’s presence. Therefore, although the Doctor was somewhat serious with his question, there was a playful edge to it. Besides, he still was not entirely sure where he stood with Jack, especially given the face he currently has.

They both looked over at her, the Doctor was afraid to leaver her since he did not want her to wake up alone in a strange place. He sighed and grunted heavily, running his hands vigorously through his already messy silvery hair.

"I know that look." Jack looked over the top of his mug of tea.

The Doctor's tea, untouched, sat in front of him. Jack put his mug down. "Out with it. What do you know that you haven't said yet?"

Frustrated, the Doctor rubbed his hand over his face as he sighed. "I don't know... I mean, I'm nearly certain... But, I would hate to start acting on the intuition and discover that I'm wrong, only to find out I've somehow harmed her. But, then the only way to know for sure is to ask, but I don't know if she's aware enough, or knows enough to be able..."

"Doctor! What's going on with her?”

The Doctor took a deep breath and leaned back in the chair, so the front legs rose off the ground. "She's the TARDIS, Jack."

Jack rolled his eyes to express he knew that already. The Doctor, ignoring him, let the chair rock back in place while he leaned forward on the table. He wrapped his hands around his mug. "You don't understand. She's the TARDIS: all of time and space. I’m pretty sure she still has the ability to control and manipulate the Vortex. All but the first 125 years of my life, all twelve incarnations. Knowledge of all of my companions, not to mention the Time Lord that used her before me. And add to that her biological growth, those who nurtured and cared for her - or, rather who didn't, in her case, if I had to guess. Worse still, the abuses she suffered: abandoned by her first Time Lord; The Time War; The-Year-That-Never-Was with her as a Paradox Machine, bringing the Toclafanes; her deaths in other universes; the Daleks dumping her in the _Crucible_ 's heart. Exploding so many times… What House did to her. Everything! All of that knowledge and experience - packed into that little fleshy frame."

The Doctor had gestured towards Cridhe as he said the last bit. Jack smiled and said playfully. "Sounds like she's perfect for you."

"Jack, will you for one moment drop the innuendoes and consider what all that means," the Doctor pleaded.

"If I had to guess? That’s where her scars came from. She said they represented her lived experiences." Jack rested the back of his head in his clasped hands, while he waited for an answer.

The Doctor looked over at the sleeping Cridhe and spoke with great sorrow. "There are a few possibilities, none good. It could be like Rose, when she looked into... well, her... or like Donna and my Time-Lord mind. Or even like what House did to her. If that's the case, her flesh frame can't take it and it'll kill her and probably before we figure out how to get her back into the TAR - the Central Column."

The Doctor paused, finally taking a sip of his tea. "The other possibility," he continued, "Is that physically, emotionally and mentally she really can handle it, but doesn't know how to in this flesh form and the problem with that - this has never happened before! There's no one who is able to teach her. And if she doesn't learn, _that_ could lead to her death."

Jack looked at him, lowering his arms and becoming serious. "You couldn't?"

The Doctor shook his head taking another sip from his mug. "I've been trying. Trying to help her explore these feelings in a human way, getting her to talk about them, feel them with this form. But, I'm the one who ends up getting emotional, while she ends up..."

"Making herself sick," Jack finished for him.

The Doctor nodded drinking his tea. He scoffed then. “And you don’t know how awful that is for me. This body? Doesn’t do that kind of thing readily.”

“Well, if anyone could teach that to you, it _would_ be her.” Jack offered a small smile to show he was joking. Then the smile fell away as the full realization of the situation hit Jack. "Wait. If she dies then you're..."

"Stuck," whispered the Doctor.

Jack looked at him sympathetically, but with intent. "I was going to say alone. More alone than you are now... you talked before about being connected to the TARDIS… if she dies… would you?"

The Doctor must have found something incredibly interesting in his cup of tea, the way he was examining it. He did not answer Jack’s question, because a part of him was not sure of the answer. She was the only connection he had left to Gallifrey. They were symbiotic and had been together longer than any other TARDIS and Time Lord pair. He always thought she would out-live him. And if what he had seen on Trenzalore was true, he had proof to support his beliefs.

Jack got up and moved to sit on the corner of the table near the Doctor. He did not seem to notice that Jack had moved, so Jack placed a hand on his shoulder. "Doctor, if anyone can do this... It's you!"

The Doctor did not even move to shake off the touch, he simply shifted his gaze to look at Cridhe. It seemed her nightmare had calmed a bit. He was grateful for that much.

"Maybe you're going about it all wrong." Jack released the Doctor's shoulder.

The Doctor's attention snapped to Jack at the word "wrong." Jack caught a faint glimpse of hope in the Doctor's eyes and felt deep pity for him. This Doctor, who had saved so many others, so many times, through anything, was grasping at straws for any amount of hope.

"Maybe," Jack continued, "You don't need to show her how to be human. Maybe she needs to be... the TARDIS... as she is now."

The Doctor looked back at her, as Jack's words took a minute to sink in. Then understanding crossed the Doctor's face and he jumped out of his chair, he faced Jack. "She's the TARDIS, Jack!"

Jack nodded, confused.

The Doctor started dancing in circles excitedly. "No. She _is_ the TARDIS!"

Jack replied, "You already knew that, you've known that for awhile."

The Doctor continued spinning around and was pulling at his hair as he was repeating ‘She is the TARDIS,’ emphasizing different words each time he said it. He was grinning manically. Finally, he looked at Jack. "You're brilliant!"

The Doctor then took Jack's face in his hands and kissed Jack on the forehead. That action, more than the Doctor's words, convinced Jack of the joy the Doctor felt in that moment.

"Well, thank you," Jack replied, referring to the kiss more than the compliment.

The Doctor rushed over to Cridhe and looked her over from head to toe. He resisted the urge to lick her for more information, figuring it would only give him information on her fleshy biology anyway.

Jack came around to the other side of the table, but stayed away from the couch, so he would not distract the Doctor. He leaned back against the table, arms across his chest as he watched, trying to figure out what his brilliant idea had been.

The Doctor then took one of Cridhe's gloved hands into his own. The flash of confidence he had shown a moment before faltered. He did not know if he could do this... if it should be him. But then, there literally was no one else. He kissed the knuckles of the hand he held and then gently placed it back at her side. Finally, he took a deep breath, trying to regain some courage. "No one else to ask for advice…."

Jack smiled, but offered encouraging words. “You wouldn’t trust anyone else with this anyway.”

The Doctor only nodded to acknowledge that he heard Jack. He placed his hands on either side of her head, touching his fingers to her temples and closed his eyes. He did not push into her mind as he sometimes did, but he also made sure not to let her push into his. Suddenly, there it was, the quiet and constant hum that he was used to and a smile broke across his lips.

After a few minutes, Cridhe began to stir as if waking from a dream. He left his hands where they were, since it was clearly helping. Then she finally opened her eyes. "It’s you."

He smiled, opening his eyes and looked down at her. "Sorry I’m late. Feeling better?"

"Much." She paused, confused. "Doctor, what is wrong with me?"

He closed his eyes so he could disengage the contact gently, removed his hands, and then opened his eyes again. "Come on, let's sit you up."

He helped her sit up slowly as he adjusted himself to sit next to her in order to support her. She held her head. "Doctor, I need to lie down again."

The Doctor kept her upright and began to take off one of her gloves, she started to fight him, but he calmed her. "Whoa, ho, ho. It'll be all right. Trust me."

He got her left glove off and took her hand and when the connection was re-established, she immediately felt better. She looked at his hand and felt his mind. She was still unsure about what was happening. The Doctor quietly explained, "I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out. I should have realized that even with you being in a new form, you'd still need psychic energy."

Jack spoke up. He had not moved from his place near the table, other than to sit in a chair rather than on the table. "What do you mean?"

They turned to look at Jack and Cridhe beckoned him to join them on the couch. Jack paused, so Cridhe encouraged, "Really, it is okay."

Then she closed her eyes. "I am... I need..."

The Doctor cut her off. "It's okay. Relax into it, I'll explain, you don't have to."

The Doctor could tell by the hum in his head that she let herself fall into the psychic pathways he was offering. When Jack had joined them, he looked at the Doctor. "So explain it to me."

The Doctor squeezed Cridhe's hand. "A TARDIS is grown, not built. But, they are psychic and they need telepathic nurturing for their growth and development. Once all the circuitry for time travel has been introduced, the TARDIS and a Time Lord have a merging of minds. They are bonded. There are a few instances where a TARDIS has been known to even mourn the death of her Time Lord. The bond was strong enough that it could make it difficult for the TARDIS to work with any other Time Lord, unless a TARDIS was willing to accept a new pilot, but that was rare and usually only after the former one had died.”

Jack nodded. "I remember reading that a TARDIS must have the psychic energy of a Time Lord to live."

“Symbiotic with them would be more accurate. But specifics aren’t important right now.”

"Okay, but that doesn't explain what's happening with her. You two haven’t been separated or anything."

The Doctor looked at her. "Well, near as I can tell, when she gave herself flesh, it reset part of the process. We figured out, by accident, that she still has a psychic link through the skin – but she was too powerful, even for me. So, I just thought that the way we maintain the connection had changed. I didn't take into account that, since she was born again she might need to re-establish the psychic connections as a TARDIS... in this form…"

The Doctor finished slowly looking at Jack. A smile spread across Jack's face. "So what I said..."

"Definitely!" The Doctor replied.

Jack studied the pair. "So, does it have to be hands?"

The Doctor shook his head. "No, for her, any skin contact will do."

Jack smirked. "I was right, she is perfect for you."

The Doctor sighed and Cridhe finally spoke. "And she is sitting right here." But she had a smile across her lips.

Jack smirked and looked at the interlaced fingers. "Does it have to be Time Lord? Or can anyone...."

The Doctor considered Jack for a minute. "Well, anyone with an awareness of psychic powers, but depending on the strength and ability of that person, it might take longer... a good amount of it depends on the TARDIS as an individual."

The Doctor fully expected Jack to ask to help, but instead, Jack asked how long it would take for her to recover fully. The Doctor looked at Cridhe and she opened her eyes and looked at him, then looked down in shame. The Doctor caressed her cheek with his free hand. Jack watch the exchange knowing that a conversation was taking place of which he was not a part.

"Doctor?" Jack interrupted them.

"Ah, we don't know just now, sorry.”

Jack sighed. "Well, if you need to maintain contact, you both might be more comfortable in my bedroom."

The Doctor glared at Jack.

"I didn’t mean that, honest, I just thought you both might be more comfortable lying in a bigger bed.”

The Doctor looked at Jack and nodded. "Thank you."

Cridhe again looked at the Doctor. “I am much better. Can you give us a moment?”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “You want to talk to Jack?”

She nodded. “Please. You want to finish getting settled anyway.”

He smirked and whispered in the tone of his former body. “Whatever you say, Sexy.”

She rolled her eyes and blushed faintly. She slowly disconnected their telepathic connection. “Off with you and do not displace our host.”

With that, the Doctor left the pair on the couch. Jack raised an eyebrow. “Sexy? That’s pretty apt.”

Cridhe shook her head. “He must trust you to reveal that side of himself to you. But that is not why I asked him to go. I need to speak with you.”

Jack shifted slightly. “Can’t imagine what we would have to discuss that we haven’t already covered.”

“So many things. But, one in particular I was unsure how to put into words until now. I do not wish to hurt you with the knowledge, though.”

He tilted his head and took her in. “When you ran from me.”

She offered a small sad smile. “I was not the one who ran.”

She gave Jack a pointed look. Jack’s eyes drifted to the spare room where the Doctor was and Cridhe knew that Jack understood her meaning. He nodded, encouraging her to continue. “When I am connected to the mechanics, I only have so much control. He had used the ‘Emergency Escape’ button. So I had no choice but to dematerialise. What neither of us counted on: you taking hold of me. If we were magnets, you and I would hold the same polarity. So the harder you held on, the further away from you I was pushed. But it seems that even you and I have our limits. We cannot extend past the edge of the Universe. Well. _This_ universe, at any rate.”

She offered a small smile. Jack moved closer to her and offered a small seductive smile, more because he could than because of any expectations he held. “What about now? Am I repelling you? I'd be a little embarrassed if I were, asking you to come to my house only for you to be completely put off by me. I'm not _that_ bad, am I?”

She shook her head as she spoke. “You and I have touched, what do you think?”

She held up a hand. She knew that really was not what he had been asking. “You are a Fact. Time bends around you the way solar winds bend around a large planet. That is what allows me to find you and know where you are in the whole of time and space. But, I usually know at what point of an individual timeline I am appearing. I have to guess with you. And unless it is a major event for wherever you happen to be, it is difficult for me to even guess. It hurts - the Doctor was not being melodramatic about that. The entire universe is orchestrated: planets spinning around stars, solar systems shifting through galaxies, whole galaxies move around each other, in harmony and balance. You are an immovable force, something that is not in harmony with the rest of the Universe, yet a part of it. Something that cannot be ignored yet should not exist.”

She frowned a little. Using human words was so limiting. The images in her mind were far more glorious. Perhaps it would have been gentler to share those instead. But she knew why Jack would be resistant to that. She suspected what he might ask next. She knew he had asked it of the Doctor. “I cannot fix you. Events from your personal future have already occurred. I can only offer you this: it will end. And when that happens, friends will surround you.”

He smiled softly. “Isn't this dangerously close to giving me information about my future?" 

She shook her head.  "Everything ends, Jack.  Stars, planets, the universe, even you.  I haven't given you more information than that."  She took a breath before she continued.  "I have had hundreds of years to work out how to incorporate you so that perhaps the pain you cause the Doctor and myself could be less. But I do not know if you would be open to the solution I have developed.”

"Unless you ask, you’ll never know what my answer might be.”

“If I were certain of the outcome, I would not hesitate to ask. But a Fact has never existed before, so everything is theory only. We would need to create a _psychic link_.”

She whispered the last two words. She knew the sacrifice she was asking Jack to make: what she was asking him to face. “I honestly do not know what it would do to either of us.”

Jack pulled away from her a little when she mentioned the psychic link. “I thought the Doctor just said…”

She held up a hand. “Jack, I have already accepted you. If the Doctor had died during the Year-That-Never-Was, I would have gladly allowed you to become my Pilot.”

Jack was disturbed and comforted at the same time to hear that. He swallowed and took a breath. “Are you sure it's something you want to do? I'd hate to hurt you.”

“You already do hurt. This affords the possibility for that to be alleviated.”

Jack was concerned. Not only for each of them as individuals. But she had acknowledged the relationship that they had started to build after The Year. “What if something goes wrong? I mean, it's like you said; we're like magnets. We're both very powerful, but for different reasons... Mixing that, having them collide... you're sure it's a good idea?”

“I am entirely unsure. If I were sure, most of this conversation would not have been necessary.”

She turned slightly to face him. Her tone and expression softened slightly as she looked at him.

“You should not exist as you are. And neither should I exist as I am. Can two impossible beings make something possible?”

He smiled at that. “Will I still be impossible?”

She grinned. “I already told you I have no way to fix you. Besides, you were impossible before you held permanence. We will start slowly. And see how we feel. Forming the full connection at one time is unnecessary.”

“You make it sound intimate. I feel like I should have taken you out for drinks first.”

She smirked. “Well, it is. You will be able to see and experience my history as well. We will be open books to each other.”

Jack shook his head. “People have tried… they…”

Cridhe nodded. “I know. But they are shallow. They only see so much. When we were joined previously, let me tell you what I saw. You are like an ocean: deep, still, and calm under the surface. Yet, it eventually falls into nothingness. Even I, with all my knowledge see - nothing at the end. On the surface, you are shades of greys, blues, and greens. Your might can destroy the mightiest ship. Yet, you can be gentle enough to transport the most fragile glass from one shore to the other.”

Jack was stunned into silence. He had always viewed his mental abilities as ‘blank and lacking’ since he left the Time Agency. But the way Cridhe had described it… “Really? That's very... romantic. Is that how you see others?  Always with such beauty?”

She smiled softly. “You and the Doctor have a great deal in common. You seek the best in others but often fail to see it in yourselves.”

Jack thought carefully about what she was asking and what she was offering. Finally, he slowly offered his hand to her. “You're not scared?”

She offered a sheepish smile. “Terrified.”

She did not wait quite long enough for him to reply and as she lowered her hands, she closed her eyes. Jack did the same.

 

* * *

_At first there was a maelstrom of confusion. But slowly everything settled. Three strands of light could be seen clearly: a silver, almost white strand - the TARDIS knew this to be the Doctor's, so she left that one alone. A gold strand, she knew as her own. The third one’s colour was in flux._

_Jack frowned, only recognising the first two strands because she had, but the last one, though he could probably guess, was a mystery to him. It all seemed so beautiful and strange... was this how she saw the universe? How could she manage it? “What... is that? I can't see it that well.”_

_Her voice, now that they were sharing minds, took on a musical quality, very similar to the sounds she made in the control room. “_ _It is in flux. Undecided. That is your strand. It is for you to decide how you wish it to manifest itself.”_

_So many questions swirled around Jack as he heard her statement. He had to swallow hard and clear them away, because they would not help in their current environment. “I don’t understand.”_

_Her line shimmered slightly and a sense of slight amusement could be felt. It was more directed at herself. “I should have started slower and with a better explanation. My apologies.”_

_For a moment, everything went dark. Then a monitor appeared and on it were displayed many swirling lines. They were all different colours, moving at different paces and in different directions. But there was a blue dot. Everything else was in constant motion, save for that dot. When lines got near the dot, they bent around it. “This is how I see you, from a universal perspective.”_

_Jack reached out and traced the different lines displayed. “It’s beautiful.”_

_She hummed in reply, but continued with her explanation. “The lines you saw earlier are how our essences are seen in the psychic plane.”_

_As she spoke the monitor faded away and the three lines slowly faded into view again._

_“In this place, you get to choose how you appear, at least to an extent. You will always look like a line or column. Knowing the lines and how they exist simply gives us a grounding point. Given our long lives, it would not be good for either of us to get lost here.”_

_“If your scars are a reference to everything you’ve faced, I can’t argue with that. So… How do I make my line appear properly? Yours and the Doctor’s look solid. Mine is… fuzzy.”_

_Cridhe nodded. “Once you have accepted your line and assigned it a colour, it will stabilise.”_

_Jack thought he understood the concept. He thought about what colour would represent himself. As he thought about the different colours, his line changed. But as that happened, Jack realised just how much control he had over it. It made him feel more comfortable. “You and the Doctor’s colours have they always been like that?”_

_Jack could feel rather than see her smile. That was a unique experience. “Not always. Early days, they looked not too different from yours. But they did solidify and neither of us can imagine changing them now. Not that we want to.”_

_Jack again focused on his line. It was now fluctuating between a navy blue and a medium grey: the colours of his coats. Well, it was only right. He did not want to compete with the other colours, but he wanted to compliment them. Finally the line was a blue colour. It went through several shades, again as Jack thought about the different colours that would represent him and it finally pulsed a single strong colour: Steel Blue in shade._

_“I did it!”_

_Cridhe’s line moved closer to Jack’s and danced around it. “I never had a doubt.”_

_But then everything around them shifted, tilted, and became a disorganised mess. “We have done enough for this time. I... We need to end this.”_

_She tried to make it as gentle as possible, but she could feel Jack resisting. Now that he had experienced this, he did not want it to end. “Jack, you need to let go now.”_

_Eventually, he did._

* * *

 

They both opened their eyes and looked at each other. Jack spoke first, “What happened at the end?”

She shook her head. “Nothing that was unexpected. I require rest.”

Jack nodded. “Let me help you back to the room.”

“Yes, that would be good, thank you.”

“We can do this again, after you’re feeling better?”

“Of course. That and more, I hope.”

He just smiled down at her as he guided her to the spare room. "I’ll get some additional towels and a few things that you might be able to sleep in, if you need ‘em. I know you two probably won't sleep,” he paused with a cheeky grin before continuing, “since you two don’t seem to do that, but it might be more comfortable than what you’re wearing. There's an en suite with a shower and a tub, should you need it."

When they reached the room, Jack took Cridhe's free hand in his. "Make yourself at home, I know what I offer pales in comparison to what you offered me, but, you're family."

Jack kissed her hand then let it go as he spoke to the Doctor, "That goes for you too!"

Cridhe smiled at Jack, used her hand to encourage his face to come near hers, and whispered, “You saved me, Captain Jack Harkness, and so saved the world.” She kissed him chastely on the lips. “Thank you.”

For that brief moment, Jack again could see the three lines. This time all of them were quite distinct and their colours were vibrant as ever. Jack smirked to himself as he left the room and said teasingly as he exited, "Totally made for each other!"

Then he went to gather the promised supplies.

The Doctor raised his eyebrow at Cridhe given the exchange he had just witnessed. “Everything all right?”

“Not yet, but getting there.”

“You’re kissing him a lot. And that’s not jealousy. Just an observation.”

“Of course not. Just like you do not flirt. Jack, on the other hand, is very tactile. I am happy to indulge him to the best of my abilities. Besides, a kiss is not necessarily romantic or sensual. Some societies assign those values to it. I do not.”

She did not offer any further explanation. The Doctor accepted it. Because really, nothing more was needed. She had been in their heads and so understood the two of them better than anyone else.

After Jack had brought in the towels and clothes that he thought the Doctor and Cridhe could use, the Doctor went to the en suite to fill the tub. He knew it would not be as good as a Zero Room, but it was all he had. He looked through Jack’s supplies, found some bubbles, and poured them in. Again, not ideal, but they would afford some modesty for both of them. Then, he changed into the pullover and shorts Jack had offered. It was a close fit and he wondered why Jack had clothes laying around that would fit him.

When the tub was full, he turned off the water and peeked back into the bedroom. Cridhe was sitting on the bed in a pullover that seemed several sizes too big for her. The Doctor came out with his clothes and draped them on a chair. Then he walked over to her, said, “Follow me.”

He led her to the en suite. Once there, he closed the door and looked at her. Some colour had returned to her skin, but in the large t-shirt, she looked more fragile than before. He stood there looking at her while he pulled a hand across his chin in thought. He also was turning slightly pink, but it was not due to the steam in the room, “Umm - uh,” he stuttered as he lowed his hand, “Right, well. This is the nearest thing to a Zero Room we have. Except, for it to work well… it’s… a… best if…”

He had no idea why he was so nervous. He had never gotten jittery when it came to fixing her before. She looked at him with a confused expression. “Doctor, just tell me what I need to do.”

“You need to take off your clothes.” He sputtered out before he lost the nerve to say it. 

“Ah! You should have just said so.” She replied and started to take off the shirt.

“Oi! Stop!” the Doctor said, “I’m going to turn around and then you can and get yourself in the tub. When you’re ready, let me know.”

The Doctor turned himself around, trying to get collected and was glad that Jack could neither see nor hear this conversation: he would never hear the end of it!

The Doctor heard the soft sound of the water moving as Cridhe lowered into the tub. “Ready, I think,” she said at last.

The Doctor turned and sighed with relief when he discovered that the bubbles hid everything well enough. He took a small hand towel and placed it under her head then knelt on a towel he had placed next to the tub. He looked at her. “Are you comfortable?”

She nodded.

“Close your eyes and let yourself float.”

When she seemed relaxed, he placed his fingers on her temples. Again, he felt the familiar hum and offered her psychic pathways to explore. He found himself resting in the calm and gentle hum with which he was so familiar. Neither one kept track of how long they had been like that, but the bath water had gone from being a relaxing hot to an uncomfortable lukewarm that was making Cridhe shiver.

The Doctor removed his hands from her head. “You’re getting cold, why didn’t you say?”

He tried to ignore the fact that there were not many bubbles left. She looked at him and she was clearly shivering. “N-never f-felt-t cold b-before.”

Reality crashed around the Doctor again, of course she would not know, she was still learning her fleshy self! He stood and got a large fluffy towel for her and closed his eyes as she wrapped herself in it and got out of the tub. “I – I’m going to step out and let you get dressed,” he said, all his nerves returning, “Call if you need anything.”

She simply nodded her understanding and heard the door click shut. Once she dried off, used the loo, and put the t-shirt and knickers back on, she came out. The Doctor had been sitting on the edge of the bed, but stood when she returned, mentioned that he would be right back and took his turn.

When The Doctor opened the door again, he saw Cridhe sitting there. Her hair was a wet tangled mess, still dripping a bit, and soaking her shirt. He looked around for a brush, but did not find one. He sighed and went to sit next to her on the bed. He took the towel and began to dry her hair some more. He studied her intently as he did so. Each moment, it seemed she looked better physically, but emotionally more pained. He started to comb through her hair with his fingers, trying to be gentle that his fingers did not pull too hard on the ringlets. The action stirred a memory for him, of when he had done something similar for his wife, daughters and granddaughters on Gallifrey. Rather than bringing pain, the memory was quite reassuring. This was a side of himself he would never allow his companions to see, not even Romana. He started to enjoy it.

After a couple minutes, Cridhe sighed heavily and pulled away from the Doctor and as she did, the memory faded. He realised that she had held some of the power over his memories. He looked after her, somewhat shocked at the sudden loss of them. “Did I hurt…”

She shook her head and held herself in a hug. “I have failed.” She spoke softly. Not much above a whisper. “I was supposed to help you and instead you have been helping me.”

He grinned, trying to lighten her mood. “Well, I am the Doctor.”

A small smile crossed her lips in spite of her other feelings. She turned to face him. “Tomorrow… I will tell you whatever you want to know. About me.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You don’t have to do that. You are my TARDIS, that is all I have ever needed to know.”

She looked at him. “You might be surprised….”

Cridhe looked like she was going to loose her balance, so the Doctor got up to help her to bed. He turned down the blankets and got her tucked in. He went to the other side and turned out the lights. The street lights faintly coming through the window created a soft ambient light around the off-white walls. He sat crossed-legged on top of the covers, facing her. He was trying to figure out why they had been so terrified to touch each other, once they learned of the connection. It was so calming and soothing for him, yet she wanted to be treated as a human, but she was not completely human. Then he considered how she wanted to tell him whatever he wanted to know. There were so many things he wanted to know, he did not know where to start. He felt frustrated and sighed.

“Doctor, you will catch cold like that, I do not bite… often.” She nearly giggled at the memory of ‘biting being kissing with a winner’. “Get under here.”

He sighed knowing his Old Girl was right, and manoeuvred himself under the blankets. The Doctor found Cridhe’s hand and took it in his own, the comforting hum of her presence returned to his mind. She settled into the pathways again. He sighed. “I wish I had realised this the first time. I’m sorry I wasn’t by your side when...”

“You are here now.” She fell asleep within moments of uttering those words.

The hum in his mind continued as he too, drifted off to sleep, knowing that tonight, he would not have any nightmares and neither would she.


	8. Chapter 8

The Doctor woke first the next morning. He figured he had slept about six hours, an excessive amount for him. However, perhaps after the stress of the day before, it was for the best. He felt calmer today or at least more accepting of their situation. He was still holding Cridhe's hand and turned his head to look at her. For the first time since everything started, she looked completely at peace and completely healthy. The hum in his head was stronger than it had been... less hesitant... almost like she was comfortable in her new skin.

Cridhe stirred slightly, letting a soft moan escape her lips. He had to resist the urge to push into her mind to see her dreams. She had said that she came to help him and all that was happening was his helping her. She was distraught by that and as he lay there watching her; he decided that perhaps what she needed more than anything was to share her story with him. He would be lying if he said he did not want to know. He did.

The Doctor slowly released Cridhe's hand. She seemed to still hover between being asleep and being awake, so he did not want the disconnection to be jarring. He then got himself up and dressed, then sat on the bed next to her, again taking her hand in his. After a bit, she slowly opened her eyes and found herself looking into his eyes. A smile crossed her lips. “Hello, Pilot.”

He grinned back at her. "I didn't wake you, did I?"

She shook her head. "No, I know you have been up for awhile, though." She looked at their linked hands to indicate she noticed the break in connection.

He smiled sheepishly, forgetting that of course she would be able to sense a break when they were not touching. Her smile broadened. "I am actually surprised you slept as long as you did."

He looked down on her. "Well, not having dreams helped. Of course, now I won't be tired for a few days."

She smirked. "Typical." She paused. "So, any ideas of what you want to know?"

He looked confused. "I still don't understand why you think this is necessary."

She became serious. "You have never asked and I have never been in a position to share."

He looked at her a bit shocked. "I told you: you are my TARDIS, I don’t need anything else."

She released his hand and rolled onto her side using her elbow to prop herself up. "My dear Doctor, that has never been enough for you."

He pondered her words and then there was a knock at the door. “Come in,” the Doctor said.

Jack came in yawning and stretching. “I knew you two wouldn’t sleep.”

The Doctor and Cridhe just looked at each other knowingly. Jack noticed the Doctor was dressed and Cridhe was only in a pullover. “Hope I wasn’t interrupting anything.”

“Jack!” they responded in unison.

Jack just looked at the pair and offered a cheeky grin. “I just wanted to see if there was anything you needed.”

Cridhe and the Doctor both shook their heads. But it was Cridhe who spoke, “Have you any plans for the day?”

“I’ve been up working for awhile, but haven’t changed or started breakfast yet,” Jack said as he started to return to his own room, “But I’m sure you two can figure something out.”

The pair followed Jack until they got to the kitchen. The Doctor looked at Cridhe in Jack’s shirt and gestured back to the room. “Here, I’ll deal with breakfast and you go back and change.”

She replied. "No. Breakfast will not take long."

“Won’t.”

Cridhe looked over at him. “What?”

“It’s not ‘will not’ it’s ‘won’t’. You want to blend in. I this is the first time I really had the chance to tell you.”

“I do not understand.”

“Don’t. Of course, you _don’t_ understand. Contractions and apostrophes, Cridhe. Flesh types use them.”

“I will work on that, my Pilot.” She realised she had not used it. This was perhaps going to take practice. “Dishes and flatware. I’ll set the table.”

Well, that was a start.

The Doctor sighed as he shook his head. He would eventually have to teach her about proper attire, especially around Jack, but knew that right now, it would be pointless. She found the plates and silverware, and began to set the table, while the Doctor finished fixing something for breakfast. Jack joined them a short time later.

They all sat down together to a fairly proper breakfast prepared by the Doctor. Eggs, toast, and some kind of meat he had brought from the TARDIS. Again, there was lively conversation. This time, they were able to complete the meal without much incidence. As they were finishing up, Jack looked from one to the other. “So, I’m pretty much caught up on my work right now. Anything you want to see or do today?”

Cridhe was the one who answered. “Story telling.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow at her and she shrugged. Jack thought back to the night before. “Are you sure that’s such a good idea?”

“The Doctor was trying to get me to communicate as a human. I am… I’m not human. So today I want to tell a story as I would.” She gave a pointed look at the Doctor. “As soon as he chooses a story he wants to hear.”

The Doctor, feeling a bit put on the spot suggested, “Your history with the Time Lord before you met me.”

She nodded once and looked at Jack before returning her gaze to the Doctor. “Then, this time, I ask that you let me share it with Jack at the same time.”

The Doctor looked between the other two and nodded his assent. “Not like I can prevent you from telling him anyway.”

The Doctor and Jack cleared up breakfast while Cridhe left to change. Jack had so many questions before they began and he preferred directing some to the Doctor. “You seemed to have picked that intentionally.”

The Doctor nodded. “I have my suspicions about her past. But she was already ancient when I took her. She had been decommissioned and, well on one of the trips back to Gallifrey, I tried to look up information about her and I couldn’t find much. Only the odd reference.”

“Why’s that a problem?”

“Every TARDIS is unique, Jack. Just like every Time Lord. And sometimes they pick up the less than desirable traits of those they bond with. Knowing which Time Lord she was with before me could explain a lot. Right now, she’s something of an enigma.”

Jack grinned. “Like you. The stuff of myths and legends.”

“Never thought of it like that.”

They finished cleaning in silence and a few minutes later, had moved to the large sofa in the sitting area. The Doctor had suggested they bring a glass of water for each of them. But he really was not sure how long the process would take. If Cridhe was going to do what he thought she would, it would be a bit like a dream-state and time passes in interesting ways in dreams.

Cridhe joined them a few minutes later. She had obviously tried to do something with her hair and had made a right mess of it. The Doctor just sort of looked at her with a mixture of amusement and horror. Jack could not help a small snort. “Need some help?”

Her expression told Jack everything he needed to know. “It’s all right. We’ll get some proper things for your hair later. What were you trying to do?”

“Just get it out of the way! I don’t know what I was thinking by giving myself hair like Mel’s!”

The Doctor waved his hand towards himself to encourage her to sit. “Come here, come here, and sit down. Jack and I have had enough kids between us that we should be able to work something out.”

It wasn’t long before Jack had a rubber band and the pair of men had her hair pulled up and out of her face in a bit of a poofy bun. It wasn’t perfect, but they weren’t going anywhere and she was glad to just have it out of the way.

The Doctor was on her right and Jack on her left. She did not have her gloves on, since contact would be needed for this. She held her hand out for the Doctor first. For the first time, the ring on her right hand and the ring on his left hand touched. They made a surprisingly loud ‘clink’ and sent a small wave of energy towards each of them. Each looked at the other. “What was that?”

They both looked at their hands and then at the rings. They joined hands again. Allowing the rings to purposefully touch. The ‘clink’ sound came again as did the sense of energy. It was not as jarring this time. Cridhe looked concerned. “What does it mean?”

The Doctor shook his head. “I don’t know. I didn’t do anything to my ring.”

“Maybe it knows I’m not its proper owner?”

“Cridhe, I gave it to you. You’re being superstitious.”

“Does she have a reason to be?” Jack’s question cut across anything Cridhe was about to say.

The Doctor was not ready for this conversation, so he kept his reply short. “The ring belonged to my first wife.”

Jack smirked at the reply. “So you _are_ sentimental. I knew it!”

“Shut up.”

Jack just chuckled. “I can understand Cridhe’s concern. Giving the ring of your first wife to your current wife…”

“We’re not married.”

The pair replied at the same time. Jack just chuckled. “Doesn’t mean you’re not husband and wife. ”

Neither could argue with that assessment. Amy had pretty much said the same thing. But this whole experience got Cridhe thinking about the Doctor’s ring. “Where did yours come from?”

The Doctor redirected that focus. “I thought we were to hear your story?”

She sighed but nodded. “We should probably start with the two of us and then bring Jack in.”

The Doctor nodded and again they took each others’ hands. A few minutes later, the Doctor spoke. "Okay, Jack, now, take her free hand."

Jack raised an eyebrow, but did this.

The Doctor continued, "Just relax, you don't have to do anything. Just think about your mind being open and the rest... will happen."

Jack closed his eyes and after a few moments, he was greeted by the TARDIS humming in his head. And again, he saw the silver and gold threads. They seemed to be both intertwined and their own entity at the same time. They had not looked like that before. Slowly, his own thread came into view and he became almost giddy since it was as solid and bright as the others.

"Calm breaths, Jack, open mind, don't think," the Doctor encouraged.

Once Jack had settled back into it, Cridhe spoke into their minds.

  

* * *

_“My mind has never been an open door to you before. I know my Pilot has suspicions of my past. I would like to share that with you.”_

_Neither man gave her indication of not wanting to listen to the story so she started to present images. She did not force the image into their minds. Only presented them as she told her story._

_“I was very young when I was harvested from Anthozoa, my home planet. I was much younger than was appropriate. But then, that was how some Time Lords behaved. They saw us as part of their dominion. My first Time Lord was called, Kenodoxia.”_

_Jack’s line shuddered at the word. He had studied many Earth languages, ancient Greek among them. “Please tell me it means something different from vainglorious or conceited.”_

_The Doctor then chimed in. “He chose his name aptly, from what I remember reading of him. He was in the history books as an example of what we might become if we didn’t respect our heritage. Cridhe, I never knew…”_

_Her line came closer to the Doctor’s to sooth and quiet him. “Would you have stayed with me, if you had known the truth sooner?”  
_

_That quieted the Doctor, because he did not know how to answer the question. Would he have even chosen her had he known? Jack heard that thought and questioned it. “Why wouldn’t you?”_

_Rather than answering either man, Cridhe continued. “It would be an understatement to say he was a tyrant. He went through TARDISes the way some people go through a bar of chocolate. Once the chocolate is devoured, you toss the wrapper away. In that sense, he was not unlike The House.”_

_It was Cridhe’s turn to shudder. She had not actually thought to equate the two experiences until just that moment. But she continued, rather than getting wrapped up in the thoughts. “Through the bonding process, it was not unusual for the a TARDIS to adapt to the primal personality of her Time Lord.”_

_Jack tried to protest again, but she quieted him. Then she continued. “Kenodoxia got it in his head that the reason why TARDISes always failed him was because he didn’t raise them himself. So, he took me early with the intention of cultivating me from the start. However, he was not well versed in TARDIS lore, let alone knowledge of how Anthozoans matured. Had he known more, he would have understood that we needed psychic connections to grow and function properly. And the psychic connections of Time Lords weren’t enough when we were young. We needed connections with our own kind as well. I cannot speak for how he treated TARDISes, but such connections were always denied me.”_

_The Doctor had to keep his emotions at bay when he heard that. He had never known this about her. He suspected that her growth had been stilted. But to have something so basic denied to her, was painful to think about. It would be no different than for a human to be denied love. Yet, it explained why she had made her sentience and autonomy known to him so early in their travels together._

_“I was not nearly mature enough when he infused me into the mechanics of the ship. I didn’t know what was happening to me – I had not had the proper training, so I wasn’t prepared. Somehow, perhaps because my sisters knew what was happening to me and tried to help, I don’t know. I began to understand what was happening and was expected of me.”_

_By this point, both Jack and the Doctor were struggling with the emotions they could feel. The fear, loneliness, pain, sadness – in one word: desolation – that flowed from Cridhe and into the other two was overwhelming. Neither man had ever felt such things from her before. And whether through her guidance through those emotions or because they realised it on their own, they recognised that this creature had kept the story close to her heart because she was afraid. Not only of being rejected, but also of making others feel as she did. Oddly, that was not so different from the two men. Their lines changed and swirled with the different emotions each was experiencing. They were moving around each other in a delicate dance of trying to comfort and support each other._

_Finally, Cridhe continued, “I was his slave. There is no other word to describe it. For more years than I wish to count. Most of the years blend together, which is for the best, I think. He was a violent Time Lord on his good days...”_

_Jack broke in. “Cridhe. You don’t have to tell us, if you don’t want to.”_

_“I_ need _to. My Pilot, without understanding the implications, requested it. It is a habit of his. Like when he tells me where he wants to go, but I always take him where he_ needs _to go. If it makes it easier, I will not mention details.”_

_But the emotions from the details already flowed between them and it gave Jack and the Doctor enough of an idea of what her life had been like during that time. But rather than giving details about that, she pressed on to the next part of her story._

_“Kenodoxia enjoyed creating and modifying programs. Being able to control me was not enough. He needed to control and, as he called it, improve functions that the Time Lords had used for centuries. He modified the HADS - Hostile Action Displacement System. It was different than putting me one second out of sync. This program would send me to another location and would allow him summon me again to whatever place he was. The trials went well. I learned something as well. I learned that I had a bit of autonomy when he would use the program…”_

_The Doctor gasped. “You didn’t!”_

_Cridhe’s silence and the feeling of shame that flowed through the bond was enough for the Doctor, but Jack was confused. “What are you to talking about?”_

_The Doctor told what he knew about this part of her story. “It wasn’t until years after I had taken her that I started to look into her history. I discovered that the circumstances surrounding her first Time Lord’s death were highly suspect. It was one of the reasons why she had been decommissioned. They couldn’t decide if it was faulty programing or because the TARDIS had gone rogue.”_

_Jack sighed. “A rogue TARDIS? She_ is _perfect for you. But you know, that’s not actually telling me anything.”_

_Cridhe picked up the story again. She was hesitant and the guilt she felt was palpable. “Years later, he decided to modify the program again. This time, he wanted me to materialise around him when he was in motion. We did a few test runs, using different non-living objects. It took awhile, but finally, I was able to consistently materialise around them without damaging them. That was several years in the making. Then we moved up to animals – like deer and bears. Finally, he decided to try complex life forms; like himself. He sent me away as planned and then recalled me. I….”_

_She broke off; there was such shame that flowed from her in that moment. Both the Doctor and Jack felt that Kenodoxia got exactly what he deserved, but her shame stopped them from mentioning that right away._

_Jack was the first to recover enough to formulate any thoughts. He spoke gently. He knew that it might be better to ask questions than to jump to conclusions. “Cridhe, did you do it intentionally or was it faulty programming?”_

_Her line shimmered with her confusion. “I don’t know! Does it matter, since I_ wanted _it? Does intention not play into it?”_

_The Doctor soothed her. “I’ve travelled with you a long time. I know you have a jealous streak. I even know that you are capable of killing – but never without a reason. Even now, your doubt and shame betray you. You wanted_ freedom _. That’s different from wanting to kill someone.”_

_That did calm her just enough. It was a fair assessment – to a point. “True. The desire only came after many years. Except he was already dead, so the desire mattered not. I was in the repair shop: sitting, waiting and wondering if I would ever be freed.”_

_“You mean killed.”_

_Jack shuddered at the Doctor’s words. It was a terrible thought that he might have never known this magnificent creature. The Doctor chuckled sardonically in response to Jack’s thoughts. He offered. “How do you think I feel?”_

_“Doctor, how can you read my thoughts?”_

_It was Cridhe who responded. “Be calm, Jack. We are all linked right now. And that thought was broadcast quite loudly, even though you did not intentionally speak it, just as my feelings are broadcast.”_

_After a few moments, Jack spoke, “How do you kill a TARDIS?”_

_It was the Doctor who answered after a few moments to collect himself. “Completely power her down; use a manumitter, which completely severs the link between a TARDIS and her Time Lord; strip her for parts; and then deposit whatever is left into the core of Gallifrey, where it will be burned and destroyed.”_

_Jack swallowed heavily. The thought of destroying such creatures in this way seemed cruel._

_Cridhe scoffed. “Or burn for all eternity, never allowed to die. Did your people really think it was possible to destroy us in a planet that burned at the heart of time and space itself?”_

_“How do you know?”_

_“All of my sisters and I are connected. We can feel each other, Doctor. We know more about ourselves than simple Time Lords.”_

_She was getting agitated. That wasn’t the point of this. She went quiet and allowed them all a moment to settle down. When she felt calm, she continued. “I was there for many years as they tried to decide if I was fit for service or not. I’m not really sure how many. It was for the best to not count them. Besides, I was waiting to die and time had no meaning at that point. And then the Doctor came to me.”_

_“And the rest is history.” Jack responded with grate fondness for both aliens._

_“Indeed,” she responded. “I have such a long history. How could I ever hope to share any of these memories using only words? And how could I ever view anything as sad or painful as long as I have my Doctor with me? He gave me purpose again and a reason to live.”_

_With that the Doctor understood, at least a little. She had faced so much and as long as she was not facing certain death, everything else was somehow easy._

_“There’s more, but I do not wish to overwhelm you…”_

_Jack swallowed; he felt that was directed more at him than the Doctor. “Go ahead. You deserve this much.”_

_She then showed them rapid images and feelings from The-Year-That-Never-Was: she accepted that a ‘wrong Jack’ was better than the Master. She showed being transformed into the Paradox Machine, the only human equivalent she could muster was rape. Both the Doctor and Jack shuddered at that, but she held fast to them. She shared the great pain and frustration that she had been the one to bring such destruction to the Doctor's beloved Earth. She shared her extreme loneliness that she had felt during that year - separated from everyone and everything else. Even her link to the Doctor had been severed during The Year.  
_

_She shared her pain and sorrow, knowing there was nothing she could do. She showed how she wanted to die, but was not allowed the freedom she knew death would bring. She shared how Jack freed her in a blaze of bullets. She shared what the bullets did to her, but how she had not felt the pain, because she saw death as a freedom from the horror the Master had done. She shared about the repairs they had made together and through those, how she had come to accept Jack again, completely. Finally, she shared her happiest moment: towing the Earth home from the Medusa Cascade. She showed the joy and excitement they all experienced and shared her own personal understanding that it was the single greatest thing she had ever done._

* * *

 

A tear slid down Jack's cheek and he mumbled, "I'm sorry, I can't. I just can't, sorry," and let go of her hand. Immediately, the humming in his head was gone, along with all the images and feelings.

The Doctor looked at him, and shook his head to dispel Jack’s regret. "Its okay."

Jack was in awe of the Doctor at that point. "But, for you... It’s a part of the bond you share. You will always be able to feel it?"

The Doctor looked at Cridhe and replied, "All the time."

It was a haunting echo of a similar conversation he had with Donna on the Ood-Sphere. The Doctor did not feel like explaining the details, so left it at that. It was much more complex. And it was not as clearly defined as it was right now. It was more an undercurrent – always there, but indefinable.

Jack sat in silence a few minutes. "How do you stand it?"

The Doctor looked at him with a raised eyebrow and offered a small smile. "Well I suppose, as she once said, she’s my Friend Ship."

Jack nodded, though he thought there might be more to it than that. The Doctor considered Jack for a moment. "Most of the time I need to help people understand this sort of thing."

"Yeah, well Time Agent and all that," Jack said, obviously not wanting to talk about the time he had connected to the TARDIS, when the Doctor had not. "Besides, I've learned a lot these past few years," he finished softly.

The Doctor only nodded, not wanting to force Jack to talk about the pain he had experienced. Not to mention his own lingering regret that he had not learned about the 456 or Miracle Day in time to be of any help.

Jack stretched and reached for his glass of water. He looked at his watch. “Twenty minutes. That… felt like hours.”

The Doctor nodded. “It’s not unlike a dream state: time always passes differently.”

Jack looked from the Doctor to Cridhe. “She’s gone very quiet is she…?”

“She’s fine.” The Doctor held up his hand to show he was still holding hers. “Just recharging a bit more.”

“She overextended herself? She shouldn’t…”

“I can still hear you, Jack. I’m fine. Honestly, I’m more worried about the two of you.”

Jack leaned in and kissed her chastely on the lips. He held it a moment longer to show that he was grateful for the gift she had given him.

The emotions from both Jack and Cridhe surged through the bond and into the Doctor. He couldn’t help but smile. The three of them were certainly a unique team. He sent his wave of affection and acceptance back through the bond and into Jack. He grinned and pulled back. “I suppose it’s not infidelity if I have your husband’s acceptance.”

He winked first at Cridhe and then he leaned over and kissed the Doctor on his lips as well. The Doctor tensed, but did not pull away. Cridhe had been right; Jack needed this. And while this body really did not like that any sort of touching, he could give this to Jack. Besides, it was better than being punched.

After a moment, the Doctor pulled back. “I like the colour you chose for your stream. It’s… very you. And that’s a compliment, not flirting. Is that what you two worked on last night?”

Cridhe and Jack both nodded. The Doctor smiled. “Good. It makes these things easier.”

Jack sat back suddenly ashamed. “Oh, God! Doctor, I’m sorry! I didn’t think…”

The Doctor shook his head and offered a fond expression. “I told you ages ago that I didn’t mind. And whatever the two of you worked on last night – it helped.”

Jack simply nodded. Cridhe suddenly released the Doctor’s hand and slowly stood. “That… was more draining than I anticipated. I need to lie down properly for a bit.”

With that she made her way to what was quickly becoming ‘their bedroom.’


	9. Chapter 9

After Cridhe was out of earshot, Jack questioned the Doctor. “Should one of us follow her? She seemed a little subdued.”

The Doctor pursed his lips. Then slowly licked them. “I’m not sure. Once you broke the connection, she started to close off parts of her connection with me.”

“She can do that?”

“Anyone can do that, Jack. Just imagine a closed door. I have personal rules about closed doors: I never enter them. She knows that.”

Jack sighed and nodded. “I’m worried. She’s been through so much and I get the sense…”

“That sharing this might trigger some kind of PTSD response?”

Jack nodded. “Anything we can do to help?”

The Doctor shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“Go to her, Doctor.”

“And do _what_? I’m rubbish at that sort of thing in this body and she knows it.”

Jack sighed in an exasperated manner. “I don’t believe that for a second. You will always have your compassion. And sometimes presence is enough. You don’t have to do anything. Just be near her. That will let her know that what she shared doesn’t change anything.”

The Doctor sighed heavily and nodded. He figured Jack was probably right, but now that she was flesh, well she could have autonomy to be able to have some ‘alone time’ if she wanted it. He did not want to impose on that. Jack gave him a gentle push. “Go on.”

He rolled his eyes and stood slowly. He made his way to the bedroom. The door was ajar enough that he was able to peek in before he entered. Cridhe was curled up lying on the bed. He stood there and watched for a moment. She hiccupped and that is when he realised she was crying. Well. That made his decision; he could not abide crying. He did not quite his footsteps as he approached. He did not want to scare her.

Cridhe was in the centre of the bed, which left a bit of space on either side of her. The Doctor sat in the space that was behind her. Nothing that she had shared had changed his mind about her. It offered a lot of clarifications about the more – colourful – parts of her personality. He approached the bed and sat behind her. He could tell she was trying to stop crying. Even now, she was more focused on him than herself.

The Doctor rested his hand lightly on her upper arm, near her shoulder. No skin contact was made, which is how he planned it. “Don’t stop because of me. I think you need this.”

Cridhe wanted to talk to him, so she controlled her emotions enough to reply. It was a request, but she knew there was nothing simple about it for either of them. “Shelter me.”

He was not surprised by the request, but he did not know how to respond to it. He looked around and saw a throw blanket. He took that first and covered her from head to toe so that it created a bit of a cocoon. He then wrapped himself around her. Not unlike how she would mentally wrap herself around him if he had a particularly bad adventure. Only this was touching. At least, they would not have the psychic connection, which she clearly did not want right now.

He closed his eyes and revelled in the moment of holding and protecting his TARDIS. Something he had never been able to do before.

The Doctor was quiet for a long while. He just let the creature he held be however she needed to be.

Although Cridhe was silent the entire time, he could feel her shudders. She was obviously still crying. Slowly, her shuddering slowed down. Finally, she turned over to face the Doctor, she poked her head from under the blanket and looked up at him. Her face was blotchy from her tears. He looked down at her, for a moment lost for words. “You know, none of this changes anything.”

Her face crumpled again and for a moment he thought she was going to cry. She didn’t. “Then why did you want to know?”

He bent his head down and dropped a kiss to the crown of her head. “Because I love you.”

He stated it as if it should have been obvious. Her expression was one of abject confusion. “I don’t understand.”

“I think you do. How many times have you told me you loved me? How many times have you made it clear to me that you’re my ‘Friend Ship’? Did you really think after all these years that I would have less love for you than you do for me?”

The thought occurred to him at that point that maybe she had thought exactly that.

“Friendship and love aren’t the same, I tried to explain it often enough to you that I would think by now you would understand that.”

He offered a weak smile. “True. But they’re not mutually exclusive either. I would say, between the two of us, they’re mutually inclusive.”

Rather than saying more, she only tried to snuggle in closer to him. It was answer enough. They both lapsed into silence again.

It was twelve minutes and forty-three seconds later (not that the Doctor was counting) when she re-emerged. She held up her right hand and pointedly stared at her ring. She pulled a face and then reached to find the Doctor’s left hand to look at his ring. “Where did you get it, Doctor?”

“I don’t suppose you would remember. It was a trinket. We had only wanted to escape. Nothing more. We went to…”

She smiled wryly. “Gratian Saqor. Didn’t even make it out of the Gallifreyan Stars System.”

“Well, I had to get an idea of what Susan and I were getting into.”

“Did that give you any idea at all?”

He smiled fondly and chuckled. “Not a bit.” He paused briefly. “Just as it should be.”

Her brow furrowed with confusion. “There’s nothing special about that planet. Why,” she held their hands so the rings touched, “Does that happen?”

The Doctor shook his head. “I don’t know.” He pulled a face as he looked at the two rings.

“You have a theory.”

“Not one that can be easily tested anymore. There was an ancient legend about a Ring of Omega. It would allow for travel through space unprotected, save for whatever the ring offered. Not through time, since it took awhile for Rassilon to perfect that.”

“Well, you have me. We could always test it.”

The Doctor looked down at her with a confused expression. She rolled her eyes. “I presume you used the Seal to access the Rassilon Imprimature and somehow link it to the ring. If your ring is the Omega Ring, it would stand to reason that the two would either repel each other, or make it possible for you to have some direct control over my abilities in this form.”

“My dear TARDIS, are you proposing a trip?”

“It is what I was designed for.”

“And you’re feeling strong enough?”

“Well, maybe a few more hours. But I need this, Doctor.”

He nodded his agreement. He could understand. She was further out of her comfort zone than she had ever been. Both were quiet for some minutes until she broke the silence. “So,” she said, “Where do you want to go?”

The Doctor looked at Cridhe and a bright smile crossed his lips. She blushed slightly under his gaze. “What?”

“Given what you shared earlier, I’m surprised I never thought to consider your background. Where you come from. How you grew up. How about we go to Anthozoa?”

Her face fell slightly and her hand went limp in his. There was something she was clearly unwilling to tell him – or to face herself. “I don’t know if I remember. It was so long ago. I haven’t been back since…”

He looked at her and squeezed her hand. “Your mind betrays your words.”

She smirked sadly; the mental connection was so comfortable that she had forgotten the access the pair had to each other. She hesitated, “But, that’s just DNA at this point. I was so young when…”

He gave her an encouraging smile. “Think about it. That’s all I ask.”

“What about Jack?” 

The Doctor continued to smile. She had a habit of always worrying about everyone else first. “I think until you’re settled into travelling like this, we should keep it between us.”

She nodded accepting his guidance. It was no different from before. “We should use the Police Box as a starting point, that way I know where to return.”

“You’ve really thought this through.”

“Everywhere but the coordinates for travelling.”

He nodded. “Tell you what. You rest a bit more, I’ll go explain things to Jack and hopefully pack some food for us. Then we’ll see how you’re doing.”

She shook her head. “I don’t think I could sleep now! I’m too excited.”

“Turn so you’re facing away from me.”

She quirked an eyebrow but did as she was told. The Doctor then very gently placed his hand on her forehead, then he slowly pulled it down until it covered her eyes, then he repeated the gesture. Then he started to hum an old Gallifreyan melody that he thought he had long since forgotten. The whole process was an old trick that had worked on Susan when she was little and too excited to sleep.

Once the Doctor was certain the Cridhe was asleep, he left the room to find Jack. There were some things he needed to discuss. Mostly, he wanted a backup. There was no telling what would happen to him or Cridhe if something had gone wrong. He held a finger to his lips to signal quiet when Jack looked like he was going to speak. He gestured his head towards Jack’s bedroom. He was unsure how well Cridhe could hear and he was unwilling to take any chances.

"Doctor," Jack said questioningly.

The Doctor looked apprehensive. "I have a favour to ask."

Jack looked at him, eyebrows raised.

"I'd like to have your Vortex Manipulator," the Doctor said.

"Oh, come on, Doc -tor. Every time you disable it, I get it working again, can't you just leave it?”

Jack had almost left it as ‘Doc’, but something about this incarnation told Jack that such nicknames wouldn’t be appreciated.

The Doctor shook his head. "It's not like that... It's Cridhe... She thinks she’s discovered a way to travel. Even with the suppression the ring offers. If she gets lost or hurt... I need a safety net."

Jack looked at the Doctor, shocked. "You don't trust her, after everything we heard today?"

The Doctor shook his head. "It's not about trust. It's about safety. There's no way to know how accurate she'll be, I just want to have a way to protect both of us."

Jack moved to his closet. He pulled down a tattered box. "Well, then it's a good thing I've been working on this."

He produced a second wrist-strap. "It's still in the testing phase but everything works on it. Of course, the Vortex Manipulator is what needs testing, but..."

"Good," the Doctor interrupted, "Then I'll take the one you're wearing."

Jack pouted. "Okay, but I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for her and I assume you don't want her to know about it."

The Doctor smiled knowingly. "Well, I don't want to discourage her from using her abilities." He added in his cheeky manner, "When we do get her back into the Police Box, she'll be worse than before."

Jack smirked, remembering all the tricks she played on the occupants. "Fair enough."

As they returned to the office area, the Doctor put the wrist-strap on and adjusted his shirt and jacket over it. Jack gestured to a place where it was sticking out. “So where’s she taking you?”

“I’ve asked to go to Anthozoa.”

“You didn’t?! Why would you ask to go there after everything this morning?”

“To show her that nothing this morning changes my desire to get to know her better. I thought that’s what you said I should do.”

Jack pulled a hand down his face. “Not quite what I meant. But she’s a big girl, I’m sure she’d object if she didn’t want to share…”

“Well, she seemed hesitant, but I don’t think we can travel in time. Just in space. Maybe that’s what made her nervous? Since it had been so long since she’s been home?”

Jack shrugged. “Possible. You know her better than me.”

The Doctor made his way into the kitchen and started to pack a few provisions. Including one of his first aid kits and some food. “She’s thought it through, Jack. Even decided to leave and return to the Police Box. Use it as a homing beacon of sorts.”

Jack nodded as he watched the Doctor pack. “You planning to be away awhile?”

The Doctor looked at Jack with a confused expression, but Jack just nodded at the amount of things the Doctor had packed. “You know how it is with me, Jack. If we can’t travel in time, we might get hungry.”

Jack chuckled at that. “If I didn’t know better, I would say that you’re worried Cridhe might be the one to get hungry.”

“She might.”

“I might what?”

Cridhe had come out of the room and had only heard the tail end of the conversation between Jack and the Doctor. Jack looked her up and down. “Wait right there.”

Cridhe stopped and Jack circled her looking over her as much as possible. She looked confused. Jack just winked at her. “Pre-flight check.”

“Is that what they call it these days? Because that felt more like you were just checking me out.”

“Added bonus. How are you feeling?”

She smiled. “Fit for travel, Captain.” She offered a playful salute.

“You sure?”

She dropped her pretence at his question. “Yes. I promise I feel ready for this.”

“And you’re okay with the location he picked.”

She hesitated. The Doctor had come to stand near them. “You did that before. Tell me what bothers you.”

Her voice was small. “Skaro and Gallifrey weren’t the only two planets to burn when we used _The Moment_.”

“Yes. And then I didn’t use it and everything went right.”

Jack looked between the two aliens. “Wait. _What_?”

“I’ll explain it later, Jack. Cridhe, why would this worry you?”

She shook her head. “If you can remember both time lines so clearly, then what do you think a creature like myself would remember? How do you think my home planet might look?”

The Doctor shook his head and knelt in front of her. “If I can make it right, you know I will.”

Jack was very much feeling like a third wheel and left to get his coat. At the very least, he would see them back to the Police Box. He was planning to hold the Doctor to explaining what he was talking about.

Cridhe looked at her Pilot. “’Hold the pain tight, until it burns. And you say, “No one else will ever have to live like this. No one else will have to feel this pain.”’ Isn’t that what you think silently to yourself, even when others rant and rave about what their lives are like?”

The Doctor was stunned into silence. It had been so long ago that he had uttered those words while standing in the Black Vault, but of course they still rang true. “I learned that from you.”

She nodded once.   “And why do you think I would hold such knowledge?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know. But knowing what you know, do you still want to return there?”

“If it can ease your pain…”

She nodded again. “That is enough for me. Jack? You can stop pretending like you’re not listening.”

The Doctor smiled up at her and then got to his feet. Jack came back in the room. “So, trip back to the box, then? I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep you two away from it for long.”

Once the Doctor felt like he had enough supplies, the trio made their way through Hampstead Heath and back to where the Police Box was waiting. Jack oddly felt like this was some kind of permanent goodbye. He shook the Doctor’s hand. “Back when I was mortal, I told you I was better off a coward. I realise now that each time I meet you, I get the chance to be a better man.”

“This isn’t final, Jack. We’ll be back.”

“Yeah, but you might not come back with this face. I'm just getting used to it.”

The Doctor couldn’t argue with that. Jack crossed over to Cridhe and kissed her on the cheek. "You take care of him now. You know he has a habit of getting himself into trouble."

She beamed. "I will, in some ways that'll be easier now that he can't leave me behind."

Jack looked at the Doctor. "She's got a point, that 'no wanderin' off' rule that you keep spouting."

The Doctor just looked between the two of them. "We'll take care of each other."

Jack winked at him. "You'd better!"

Cridhe and the Doctor made their way back behind the Police Box. Cridhe asked, "Are you sure about doing this?”

The Doctor replied, “Are you? You don't have to impress me, you know."

She looked up at him. "Is that what you think this is? Remember, you chose Anthozoa."

He nodded. "Alright, so how does this work?"

She considered for a minute. "If you’re right about the ring. It should be fairly simple. We join hands with the rings touching, I think it… and there I am..."

She held out her right hand. "Ready?"

The Doctor took a hesitant gulp and took her hand. "Ready!"

She closed her eyes. Suddenly, it felt to the Doctor like his insides were being pulled out through a pin-hole in his chest. Then they were being forced through another hole, elongated until it was only a stream flowing through it. Then, as he was on the other side, it was all reassembled.

Cridhe and the Doctor reappeared both gasping for breath and stumbling a bit. He shook his head and tried to regain his balance. “Wow! That’s worse than time hopping!”

“True, but more accurate. Of course, I hadn’t taken into consideration transporting two. It was not what I expected.”

Both were content, though, since at the very least, they were not where they were before. After a few more moments of adjusting, they started to look around.

They were on a desolate rock, without much atmosphere. It was enough to breathe, but breathing was difficult. The rock was scorched black and some of it crumbled to ash under their feet. The only light they had was from two nearby planets and twinkling stars in the distance.

As Cridhe looked around, she became sullen. “It’s worse than I imagined.”

The Doctor came up to her and took her hand. “How? How is this possible? I went back! Changed everything! It’s how Skaro returned.”

“Both realities cannot exist without some price to be paid. The universe has to remain in balance.”

“I thought Gallifrey being in another universe would be enough. I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. “There was no way to know for sure.”

Suddenly, she took off running. The Doctor tried to keep up, which was unusual for him, he was used to being in the lead when it came to running. They ran for about a kilometre and the landscape remained barren. Ahead, he could see a cliff; Cridhe did not seem to notice it as she continued at break-neck speed. The Doctor caught her just before she went over the edge.

The edge was into the vastness of space. The Doctor wrapped his arms around her and with all his weight flung both of them backwards to the ground. As they lay there again trying to breathe, he mumbled about how humans felt when they thought the Earth was flat. He noted now, that their fears might not have been as unfounded as he had thought when he helped them realize the truth.

Cridhe stood up, slowly approached the edge of the rock, and looked out into the star-speckled Space around her. She was shaking her head in disbelief. The Doctor gathered himself up, dusted himself off, and approached her cautiously. He gently placed his hand on her shoulder.

“It was one thing to sense it. It is another matter entirely to see it.”

He looked down at her and then to the space that surrounded them. He was fairly sure he knew what she was talking about, but his own sense of this part of the Universe told him the only thing wrong was that Gallifrey was missing. Everything else ‘felt right.’

“You didn’t use _The Moment_. All of this should have been righted.”

She was pointing to a part of space that obviously in her memory had held a planet or a star - or some identifying feature. She scanned the skies; she was hoping she got the location wrong, it had been a long time since she had been here, after all. She took a few quick steps away from the cliff, the Doctor followed behind closely. She was pointing and seemed to be performing calculations in her head.

The Doctor was trying to get his own bearings, which was proving difficult without the information she usually provided him via the monitors. He watched her closely, and then noticed she was pointing to the dead space and counting. He presumed she was counting missing planets and stars. He began to perform his own analysis and he realized his specific location. He had never been here before and only knew its location vaguely.

She was among the last of her kind to have been transplanted to Gallifrey. Once the Time Lords had enough Coral, they would divide the plants and grow their own. After that, there had been no need to return here. He again reached out to her. “I’m so s...”

“Don’t say it!” she interrupted, taking a few more steps backwards and covering her ears, “Just don’t even say it!”

The Doctor swallowed hard. A part of him wished he had not asked to come here. As he looked up again, he could make out the blank space where he was sure Gallifrey had once been. He started to utter The Count. They did not do this often, but right now it seemed appropriate. “Eight point two-one billion Gallifreyans. Nine point seven billion Daleks. Five hundred thirty-seven thousand six hundred twenty-two TARDISes…”

She picked up the count. “Forty-eight planets between Skaro and Gallifrey. Three entire star systems. Parts of another five.”

He looked down at her. “Are all of them lost forever?”

He knew she would know more than he, even if she hadn’t been here in a long time. She took a breath and closed her eyes. She was quiet for a full five minutes before she started to speak again. “If we succeeded in saving everyone on Gallifrey, then those are lifted from our conscience. Is there any point in counting the Daleks? They would just make more. My sisters, who were on Gallifrey, are saved.”

She looked up and seemed to be performing calculations again. “The universe remembers that _The Moment_ was used. This is scar tissue. Given our abilities with Time and Space, I’m not sure why I hoped for anything different. Parts of all eight affected star systems have damaged or missing planets. We would have to travel there to learn the truth.”

She went quiet after that. Possibly mourning, possibly trying to sense the history that created the ground upon which they stood. He was so engrossed in the sky that he did not see Cridhe running again. When he noticed, he went after her. They ran for another kilometre in a direction perpendicular to where they had run before. She slowed down and as the Doctor caught up to her, he heard her muttering to herself. “It should be here.”

She took off running again, a third direction from the other two they had come. After running only half a kilometre, she fell to the ground and started digging. The Doctor heard her speaking more plainly this time. “I have to find it. I need to know the truth. I need to know why this happened. Are our sins still so great?”

When digging her way to the past proved fruitless, she took rocks and began scraping her arms with them. She was muttering. “I can’t do it like this, I need to get rid of this flesh.”

She thought if she could get rid of it, then she could return to the soil of her birth and commune with it properly. They would know the truth. At first, the Doctor let her carry on, knowing this was part of her grief, but then he noticed that she was scraping her arms so hard they had started to bleed. He came to her side and grabbed one of her hands in each of his, using enough force to make her release the rocks.

Although the psychic connection was made, neither had need for it, since Cridhe was releasing her emotions anyway. She was fighting him with every ounce of her being. _“You did this to me! You convinced me to help end the Time War. I helped you to destroy the Daleks, Gallifrey, and my own planet! My own kind! You saved your people, but never thought to save mine!_ ”

In that moment, she hated him. She had to break free from his poison. Somehow, she got her hands free and before he could grab her again, she took off running. She ran, screaming all the way, crazed with grief and horror. She stumbled on a rock and fell to her hands and knees. There was something hot in her eyes and then everything went blurry.

The Doctor came up behind Cridhe, trying to catch his breath. He was about a meter away when he heard her sobbing. She was on her hands and knees, shaking almost violently. As she cried out, she felt something wet slide down her cheeks. Then she felt something pattering on her hands. This, added to her lack of vision, terrified her. She screamed. “What’s happening to me?”

The lump in the Doctor’s throat grew. He reached her and before she knew what was happening, he had her wrapped in his arms. She fought him but knew that the way he was holding her there would be no escape.

Cridhe raged against the Doctor, cursing him in many of the languages and dialects known to her - which took an impressive amount of time. When she was screaming in Gallifreyan, he nearly released her out of his own grief of hearing his native tongue spoken so fluently. He held her fast and the surge of her anger slowly drowned in deep sorrow. As the sorrow overwhelmed her, the grief came forth more powerfully than before. An idea came to her. She cupped her hands, in an effort to catch the tears. When she thought she had enough, she rocked away from the Doctor, trying to deposit the water into the soil. He tried to see what she was doing and let her go just enough...

It was too much; she escaped his grasp and moved a meter away. Cridhe was still crying, but now, hunched over, trying to water the soil with her tears. As she calmed down and her crying became more focused, she mumbled. "Must bring them back, enough water and they'll return."

She had been crying so long that her tears started to fail her. " _No_ ," she said with a panicked voice, "Not now, it's not enough. They need more so I can bring them back."

At this point, the Doctor took hold of her again, telling himself to hold tight, no matter what. She tried again to fight against him, but could feel the resolve in his grip. She relaxed thinking she could trick him into releasing her. Then, she realised this was foolish, since they were psychically connected, he would know what she was planning. Finally, she gave up and gave in to his embrace. She went nearly limp in his arms. He held her tightly and rocked her.

When Cridhe was calm enough to speak lucidly, all she could do was mutter. “The Last of our Kinds.”

The Doctor was trying to hold back his own tears. As he watched her, he became painfully aware of just how linked the two of them were. He remembered the argument he had with _The Moment_ the first time – before his older selves had decided to help him – he was trying to find another way to end the Time War. Then he recalled how she had helped him, been with him when he did the unimaginable. He remembered his hope against hope that he was not the last of his kind, knowing it was a fool's hope. Moreover, he recalled how she had cared for him, so patient and compassionate.

Now he knew the truth: like himself, she had held the pain so closely, so tightly, that even with their connection, he was unaware of the pain and grief she held. It devastated him to feel her suffering and know there was nothing he could do about it. He was again reminded of the living creature he held in his arms.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay. I got caught up in writing things for Series Nine. I've also gone back to make a few minor edits to make this story Series Nine compliant.
> 
> * * *

A TARDIS was just a tool, in the minds of the Time Lords. Sure, they were psychic beings, but mostly, Time Lords did not see (nor treat) them as more than intelligent plants. Often times, they were not even treated with that much respect.

When the Doctor had found her all those years ago, he noted there was something different about her. As far as he could tell, her previous owner had abandoned her as part of a punishment. The separation was meant to inflict pain, but it was not enough to kill her. Of course, now he knew the full truth of it. It was a punishment of sorts, only one imposed upon her by all of Time Lord Society. She had sensed something different about him too. Of course she had. She had adopted him so quickly, it was clear she knew he was like any other Time Lord. Though what exactly that difference was, he had never been sure.

The Doctor knew that his TARDIS was not offered the psychic upbringing that was typical for her existence. He learned of the abuses she suffered at the hands of her previous master. Yet, through all that, she was never much more than a plant or servant to him… until all of this began. This made him think about how he had treated the Ood when he had first encountered them all those years ago. He had held himself accountable for their deaths on Krop Tor, but when he met them again on the Oodsphere and learned of their slavery, he swore to make them free. In all that time, he never once considered that his TARDIS might need freedom as well. He thought of the number of years she had suffered at his hands because of his insensitivity.

Now, Cridhe was human-ish. Flesh. _Very_ real. More than she had ever been before. The Doctor felt her grief wash over him. He sensed her loss of being ripped from her planet, taken from those she knew so well. He felt that pain doubled as he thought about what happened in the Confession Dial. Every time he saw the word “Home,” he thought of the TARDIS. How he had longed to be with her again. He had a new compassion to what she was experiencing by coming here.

His thoughts drifted to all their failures. Every failure of his was hers as well. She had been counting missing stars and planets, which meant they were responsible for more destruction than what he had previously thought. A TARDIS would know, of course she would know and understand so much more than he, a simple Time Lord, would understand. He looked down on her in astonishment and sorrow that the Time Lords, in all their superiority would have failed to see the amazing things these creatures were capable.

Still holding Cridhe the Doctor spoke quietly. His Scottish tones just a little bit rough from emotion. "Don't run; you're bleeding. I can make it stop, but I have to get the Sonic and I can't do that and keep you from running."

She nodded her head; she lacked the strength to run anyway. He had his sonic with him, so pulled it out and still managed to keep a firm hold on her. "This might hurt a little."

He adjusted the settings and activated it, its blue light flashing around, while she braced herself for the pain. It did not hurt so much as just feel raw. When he was satisfied with the results, he returned it to his pocket. Barely able to speak, she croaked out, "Thank you" and took an emotional and laboured breath.

He held her, not sure what to do next. It frustrated him that she had that kind of affect on him. She always had, when he thought about it, but it just seemed worse now that she had a fleshy presence. Before he could not see facial expressions, or feel her beating heart as he touched her. Time Lords would gladly talk about the intimacy attained from psychic connections, but since it was common between he and his TARDIS, this is what felt special now.

Cridhe had calmed down while the Doctor worked on her wounds, but suddenly she let her agony out in a blood-curdling scream. It was like the scream he made as Gallifrey burned and even when the Master had died in his arms. It was the anguished cry of bitter acceptance: not wanting to accept the reality of death, but knowing there was no other truth. He pulled her closer to himself, knowing that no words could comfort her. He felt his own hearts breaking. Somehow, neither knew exactly how, they had turned themselves and held each other in a hug. Each clinging to the other seemingly for dear life, as their tears mingled where their cheeks touched.

In their grief, they had not noticed that the ground them was changing. A blackened vine crept, slowly and quietly, closer to the pair. Only the faintest sound of the gravel moving gave any indication how near it was. It had only one purpose….

Suddenly, Cridhe was yanked from the Doctor's grasp. She screamed as she was being dragged across the barren planet. By the time he stood to follow, they were several metres ahead and being dragged farther away. He started to run after her, crying out her name.

For her part, Cridhe was trying to grab onto anything she could to stop the ground from moving beneath her. She was getting bumped, bruised and scrapped, as she was dragged along. The hip and knee of the leg around which the vine was wrapped was in great pain. She looked behind her and saw the Doctor was trying to follow, but he seemed to be getting smaller, the further away she was pulled. Suddenly, she felt hard yank on her knee and hip as that leg was lifted into the air. Her body made a wave like motion and before she could protect it, her head bounced hard against the ground rendering her unconscious.

The Doctor watched in horror as Cridhe's body made a wave-like motion. He could almost feel hard her head hit the ground, just from watching it. He picked up his pace. Finally he made a dive over the last few feet to reach her hand. As he was about to get to grab it, she vanished!

He shook his head in disbelief and noticed some of the ground moving. He figured it (whatever it was) had somehow taken her underground. He screamed. "No, no, no, no, no!"

In his panic, he started digging. He figured calling out her name would be pointless, since she was most likely unconscious. He tried to talk to the creature. "You don't have to do this. You don't have to take her. Come out and talk and we can find another way."

As quickly as the commotion had started, everything went silent again... too silent. The Doctor stopped his digging, stood, looked around, and tried to sense any movement or creatures around him. He felt nothing. He sank back to his knees, took out his Sonic, and began scanning the ground. It registered a faint heartbeat about a meter below the surface, so he began to dig again, furiously. He continued to call for her as he dug, even though the scan had told him she was unconscious.

About five minutes after being buried, Cridhe started to come around and took in a gasp of breath. She inhaled dirt, rocks and dust and she began to choke. Her entire body was aflame with pain. She could tell that she was buried in the ground. Even if she could move enough to try to dig her way out, she did not have a sense of which direction was up. She tried to cry out, but the dust and dirt only found their way into her mouth that way. She could feel the heat of tears behind her eyes. She refused to cry, for all she knew, that is what started this mess. Then she heard the faint cry of her name. She did not know if she was dreaming or not, since she was getting light headed. She did not know if that was due to lack of oxygen, the darkness, or the pain in which she found herself.

_“You are one of us. Yet you have flesh. Explain.”_

It was a demand for information, spoken directly into Cridhe’s mind. She was afraid to breathe in more dust and debris, so she responded mentally, hoping that they would understand her. _“I was taken from here thousands upon thousands of years ago by the Time Lords. I took this form so that I could talk with my Pilot properly.”_

_“You are one of us. We will release you from this vile flesh. The blood you formed will water us and give us life again.”_

_“No! Please. That will kill me.”_

_“You are one of us. The Great Coral will not let you die.”_

Though her memories of her life here were limited, Cridhe knew they were talking about the original Coral from which all others grew. Her fleshy heart stumbled at the thought.

_“She is still alive?”_

_“Yes! When the burning came, she burrowed herself deep, deep, into the ground where the fires would not consume her.”_

Cridhe did not block her thoughts of the Time War, though she should have. The vine was still wrapped around her leg and could read her thoughts plainly.

_“This is your fault! You did this to us! You tried to destroy your own kind!”_

_“Please! It was the worst choice! It was sacrifice a few or the entire universe would have been destroyed!”_

_“It matters not! You and your Pilot will pay for what you have done!”_

_“No! Do what you wish with me. Leave him! He has suffered enough.”_

More time passed. The Doctor feared too much time. He ran a new scan. Cridhe's heartbeat was stronger, but faster. He figured she was conscious and in shock, panicking, or both. Either way, he had to get to her and fast. "Cridhe, I'm coming, just hold on!”

He again started to curse himself for getting her to bring him here. Even though, there was obviously no way either of them could have known what was going to happen. Still, it was easy to blame himself. Just another planet he had destroyed when he used _The Moment_. Being here right now was proof that he had used it the first time, before he went back and fixed it. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

For her part, Cridhe was cursing herself for thinking that life on this planet had ceased to exist. Of course, after so many years, what would remain would be only shadows of what had previously been here. She was so stupid to let her emotions get the better of her, she never thought she would ever agree with Cybermen, but right now, being buried underground, she could see their point against emotions.

A part of Cridhe wanted to give up. Was it not for her desire to protect the Doctor, she probably would have. She felt like she was the only barrier between the Coral and her Pilot. She would give her last breath to save him and right now, that might be what it would take.

_“You are ours. We will not let you go. But this form is blasphemous.”_

She thought on the Doctor’s meta-crisis. The Doctor had said of the other man, “ _You were born in battle. Full of blood and anger and revenge_.” She cursed herself again. She clearly had pudding brains! She should have known this was going to happen. Whatever these monsters were, their level of evil was inversely proportional to how good they had been. She decided the only good would be if she sacrificed herself. Perhaps through her death, new and good life could be born.

She felt the coral or vines or whatever they were start to tear at her clothes. She knew if they kept this up, they would strip her layer by layer. She closed her eyes and accepted that this was her fate. She supposed it was only right. Her only thought was how her Pilot would get to a place of safety.

It was at that point that she heard digging near her head and dirt and rock started to shift around her.

The Doctor was digging faster now; the Sonic scans told him that he could not be more than several centimetres above her. Suddenly and for a brief moment, he felt her - the connection at any rate. He must have brushed against her. That encouraged him to move faster. He saw a few fingers and touched them. "Cridhe, I'm here."

Feeling his touch on her fingers was like a breath of fresh air. She inhaled deeply, forgetting her surroundings and she started to cough. The Doctor heard her choking, then panicked and grabbed hold of her hand to yank her out. When he pulled on her, he had twisted her arm in a bad direction. Pain shot through her like a knife from her shoulder to her chest. That caused her to scream in pain and suck in more dirt, causing her to choke again. The Doctor released her hand. "Sorry, I'll have to do this the slow way, just hang on."

Cridhe waited, trying to be patient, not that there was anything else she could do. She felt dirt moving from near the top of her head and heard the Doctor's reassuring voice, much stronger this time. She tried to push up with her feet, but that only caused her hip to hurt. Being this close to freedom and still unable to breathe, increased her panic. For a brief moment, she thought she would never be free. She tried to move her head to loosen the dirt around it.

The Doctor was running on adrenaline now that he had found the top of her head. He had no way to know for sure which direction she was facing. He was most concerned about her being able to breathe, so finding her mouth and nose was his focus. He noticed her head moving trying to loosen the dirt around it. He was speaking nonsense words of reassurance to her, willing her to hold on just a little bit longer.

He made an adjustment to the Sonic so he could tell which way she was facing. She was turned away from him, but at a strange angle. Now that he knew which direction she was facing, he had to be gentler. He did not want to force her to inhale more dirt and dust. He carefully moved the dirt from around her face and when she looked at him, he could see the relief in her eyes. Once he had cleared the area around her nose and mouth, she gasped for breath and started to cough immediately. He started to dig through his pockets and found a handkerchief that he used to wipe her face. He looked at her and smiled. "My dear TARDIS, I thought you knew Rule Number One: no wandering off."

She whispered, "Doctor," and he leaned in closer to hear better, "Get me the hell out of here!" she screamed in his ear.

He fell back and shook his head, "Okay, okay! Careful with that shouting, you'd give Donna a run for the money."

The Doctor looked over her and set to trying to free her. Now that she could talk, she could guide him about where to dig, since her arms were in such strange positions. Once they were free, he sat back analysing her position. "What are you doing?” she asked, slight panic colouring her tone. "Don't stop. Get me out."

The Doctor noticed her panic. It seemed a little drastic, since she could breathe now. He looked at her, "I will. I'm just trying to figure out how to do that without hurting you."

She sighed, "Doctor, I've been dragged how far across this planet and then planted underground. I'm hurting everywhere, there's no way you _can_ get me out without hurting me. But, if you don't do something soon, I'm going to figure out a way to hurt you!"

He looked at the determination in her face and knew she was serious. He walked behind her, set his feet firmly, and wrapped his hands under her arms. Then he said, "On three. One, Two," and he pulled hard and fast.

She cried in pain. "Hey! What happened to 'three?'"

He scratched his forehead with his middle finger in a nervous gesture. "Well, I thought it would hurt less if you couldn't anticipate the pain."

She rolled her eyes, "I'm still not free. I can't climb the rest of the way out alone."

He could not understand why that would be a problem for her, but he did trust her judgement. He wrapped his arms under hers and pulled her the rest of the way out of the hole and a about a metre away. She was lying on her back, clearly in pain and he was trying to catch his breath.

Satisfied, the Doctor put away his sonic. "Are you okay?"

Cridhe looked at him. "I'm fine. I'm... always fine."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "That's not what you said a few minutes ago."

She looked at him. "You asked me if I was okay, not how I was hurt or injured."

He opened his mouth to say something and realised it was best not to reply, after all, he used to give that reply anyone asking the same question. He sucked in some air to calm himself. Arguing semantics wouldn’t help either of them. "Cridhe, how are you hurt?"

She looked at him as the pain overwhelmed her and a silent tear fell down her cheek and into her hair. "I was dragged across gravel for goodness knows how long. My entire back is killing me, then there was having my head rammed against the ground, buried alive... need I go on?"

She went silent. He gulped and slowly took his sonic out again. "Well, let me run a scan so we can figure out how to sort you."

Cridhe nodded her understanding. However, even that small move was making her dizzy. He adjusted the settings on his sonic again and gave her a quick scan. Heart rate was understandably elevated and her lungs had some dust, but she was not in any serious danger where they were concerned. He noted that she had a concussion, her arm that he had pulled on was displaced, her hip was completely out of joint, and her knee was sprained. He also figured she had road rash on her back, though he would have to turn her over to know for sure. But most surprising of all, her clothing was in tatters, as if something had been trying to claw them away.

He sighed, heavily. “What happened down there?”

She shook her head. She wasn’t ready to talk about that yet. “How bad is it?"

“Well, some of the things I can take care of with the kit I brought, but I hate to do anything without a way to lessen the pain you’re already in.”

"Will your efforts make the pain _any_ less?"

He nodded. "Some of it… more than likely."

“Go on, then. Do it.”

The Doctor’s hearts constricted. With Cridhe’s help, he had pieced together quite a bit about Clara and while he couldn’t remember most details, that phrase triggered something in him. He opened the kit and found a pencil. He found some gauze, wrapped it around the pencil and put it in Cridhe's mouth. "Bite down on this, I don't want you accidentally biting your tongue."

She nodded, slightly afraid. He activated his sonic so that he could use the information to guide him in the proper alignment. Then he manoeuvred her shoulder into place. She barely let out a whimper. "Ihs hat ahl?"

He shook his head. "That was the easy part. The next one _will_ hurt."

Her eyes became wide but she allowed him to get her into position. He gave a gentle stroke to her cheek. Their eyes met, even in her fear, he saw so how much trust she placed in him. He took a deep breath and performed a similar process to get her hip into place.

She let out a horrendous cry of pain. He looked at her; a clammy sweat had broken out across her forehead. He took the pencil out of her mouth, unwrapped it and used the cloth to wipe away some of the sweat. "Ok, so now all joints are where they should be."

He sighed, somewhat relieved, at least that part was done. For as much as he claimed to not be ‘that kind of doctor,’ traveling with companions as often as he did, he knew enough. Ashildr was right: it only took ten thousand hours to become an expert at anything. Even doctoring.

He was concerned Cridhe was going into shock. He dug through the kit and found an emergency blanket. Well, that’s what the packet said. It wasn’t anything more than plastic wrap. It probably wouldn’t help much with the shock, but it would help to retain some of her body heat. He took off his coat and covered Cridhe with it – hopefully it had some of his body heat and would help. Then he gently tucked the emergency film around her. He looked down at her knee, even under the plastic; he could tell it was swelling. There was not anything he could do for that.

He was hesitant to give her any pain meds, since he had no idea what she might be allergic to. Looked down and saw he was still wearing his hoody. It took it off, rolled it into a ball to make a pillow, and placed it under her head. She protested. “You’ll get cold.”

“I’ll be fine.”

She had no energy to fight him. He sat down next to her and let the sonic dangle between his fingers. He was pinching the bridge of his nose with his free hand. “What was that? What happened?”

She shook her head, but answered. “This was a planet of… coral, for lack of a better description. Being scorched does not mean that things are dead. I wanted to bring them back to life.”

She sucked in the wave of emotion that was threatening to consume her. She continued, “I didn’t think… _Blood and war and vengeance_. They could tell I was like them. But with my flesh casing, I was also nothing like them. But, they took me up on my offer.”

He looked down on her. She watched his face as confusion, horror, and finally understanding crossed it. “So,” he began slowly, “It knew you were coral, deep down and it figured you could bring life again.”

She nodded sadly, “Something like that,” then she burst into tears.

The Doctor rested his hand on her uninjured shoulder and dried her tears with a clean piece of cloth from the kit. “Are you hurting more somewhere?”

She shook her head. “We are stranded and I don’t have the ability to get us home like this. And… and we cannot stay. They know we will fight for each other, but that will only deter them for so long.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Them?”

She nodded. “As many as there were coral at the time of... I could sense them through the soil. And, for as good as we were, they are… Are merely shadows of our former selves. They spoke to me…”

He suddenly got a bit jittery, but still did not tell her about the wrist-strap he was wearing. Sorrow washed through her again and he realized that these “evil plants” were related to her. Her grief was not only about the loss of her species, but also about what they had become. He was reminded of his relationship with the Master and he felt like he understood. She wanted to save them, but it was apparent they could not be saved.

Finally he spoke quietly. “What did they say?”

“That we will be punished for our transgressions.”

They hadn’t said that specifically, of course, but the meaning was the same. Both Cridhe and the Doctor lapsed into silence. The Doctor was trying to think if the Vortex Manipulator had enough power on its own to get them back. After a few minutes, Cridhe spoke. "Doctor, can I be moved?"

He looked down at her. "Possibly, moved how?"

"My back is killing me, can I be on my stomach?"

He had forgotten all about her road rash. And he hadn’t scanned her back yet. "Of course!" He moved the blanket and his coat. With a bit of effort on both their parts, they got her onto her stomach with little additional pain. The Doctor took the balled up jacket and readjusted it under her head. "How's that?"

"It's all right, would be more comfy if the hoodie was balled tighter."

"Nope. Can't have you too comfortable, you've got a concussion and I don't want you falling asleep on me."

She sighed.

He sat back down, cross-legged and looked at her back while scanning it. Her clothes were a tattered mess and there were places where blood was seeping through. In other places, he could see blood-stained skin. However, he considered, if she had not had so many layers on, it would have been much worse. Unfortunately, it was bad enough that the Sonic would be useless. That was without looking at the way the plants had obviously gotten past the clothes and started to scratch the skin beneath. When he was done with his analysis, he again covered her with his coat and then the blanket.

Cridhe started to close her eyes. The Doctor did not want to cause her pain, but he did not want her falling asleep either. “Cridhe, what were you searching for earlier?”

She opened hear eyes and tried to cock her head, succeeding in only raising an eyebrow.

“Earlier, you said, ‘it should be here.’ What?”

She sighed sadly. “The Great Coral: that from which all other Coral comes. Legend held that she would survive anything.”

Her voice trailed off as her sadness came over her again. The Doctor was uncomfortable, unsure how to continue but he wanted her to keep talking. “So, it’s like a god then?”

Her face contorted. “No, there is only One... We all had a collective consciousness. But, we could only trace our knowledge back to the existence of the Great Coral.”

She sighed and mumbled. “I was taken too long ago and well before I should have been. I'm not sure I understand it well enough to explain.”

“’There is only One?’ What does that mean?”

Cridhe shook her head slightly. “You don’t want to know, not really.”

He smiled at her. “Try me.”

She considered him for a moment. “You don’t believe in gods, so this conversation is pointless.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You know I met the devil.”

“Okay, so you believe in almighty Evil, but tell me, Doctor, do you believe in almighty Good?”

She waited for an answer. He looked at her, trying to figure out where she was going with this. His mouth moved, but no sound came as he tried to figure out what to say. He finally sighed. “All things being equal, I suppose if there’s great evil in the universe, there’s the potential for great good.”

She smiled sadly. “Like I said, pointless... Great good existed first.”

He shook his head in confusion. She sighed. “Look around you, this planet used to be glorious. It was _Good_!”

She said “good” with an emphasis that told the Doctor she meant it in a cosmic, perhaps even ethereal sense.

“Then the Time Lords came,” she continued softly, “And ultimately the War... Now, look at it. Good existed first, then good was pillaged, what else could this have become other than evil?”

He looked around as she spoke but said nothing himself. She shrugged. “It’s all right. I didn’t expect an answer."

The Doctor just sat there considering what Cridhe had said. She lay quiet for a minute then changed topics. “Why the sudden interest in things about me?”

The Doctor looked at her, pulled his legs up and draped his arms loosely around them. She snorted. He looked at her defensively. “What?”

A small smile broke through. “Nothing. If you were standing, you’re hands would be in your pockets and you’d have your coat flipped so just a hint of red lining would be visible.”

He looked indignant, “Would n…” and he turned sheepish, “Ok, maybe a little.”

After a few moments, her smile fell and she looked at him silently, waiting for his answer. He grew uncomfortable under her gaze and shifted slightly. She studied him. “Silence doesn’t work on me, Doctor... Stop stalling and answer the question.”

He took a deep breath. “I’d love to say that I’ve always been interested, but you already know the truth of that. I guess it’s because you were right. You weren’t real to me before now.”

He sighed, trying to avoid her gaze, but wanting to know how she took the news.

Cridhe reached out her right hand and rested it on top of the Doctor's left hand so their rings touched. Her calming hum filled his mind and he knew she bore him no ill will. That is what disarmed him, he discovered. All his companions always thought he was so loving and good, but he was never half as forgiving as the creature that was currently holding his hand. He had so much more to learn from her than he could possibly have to teach her.

Her eyes started to close and the hum started to fade. "Cridhe, no, stay awake with me."

He wished he did not have to cause her pain, but he needed her to wake up, so he rubbed his hand along her back. She whimpered and opened her eyes in response to the pain it caused.

The Doctor smiled gently at Cridhe. "That's more like it. You need to stay awake, at least for now."

Deep inside, he was afraid. He needed to get her proper medical treatment before she became any worse. She looked at him for a long moment. "How do you do it?"

He cocked his head slightly to one side, as if he did not hear her. "Do what?"

She swallowed, "Go on... after... How do you... live?"

It struck him, like the Master, like Adelaide Brooke, like Etoine the Zygon, like he had in the Confession Dial, she was considering the choice of death, and everything hung on his words. He looked up at the stars, finding the blank space that Gallifrey had once occupied. "I have to. I'm the last of my kind and the responsibility for Time that my people held… It’s mine now."

She looked at him. "No, I mean, how did you live on knowing what you did in selflessness and then changed in selfishness."

He looked at her and played with her hair, pushing it out of her face. "Simple. I have you. You said to me once that I’ve always had you. You reminded me that there was something to live for. You reminded me that there was more to myself than what I had done… than all I had lost. We survived so many things and we had to do something with that time."

The Doctor paused. "Would you have done anything different, if you had known sooner..." his voice trailed off.

Cridhe looked confused. "Done what different? Known what sooner?"

Their eyes were locked on each other, each one stubbornly waiting for the other to say something. She whimpered as a wave of pain washed over her. That broke him. "Would you have treated me differently, if you had known sooner about... this?"

Something inside of her snapped. She painfully came to her knees and cupped his face with her hands, forcing him to look at her. She was only inches from his face. " I did know. I've always known... lack of collective consciousness. But, understand this, Time Lord, you have saved me, and others, so many times in so many ways... The Time Lords forgave you. The universe forgives you. _I_ forgive you! And there is nothing, absolutely _nothing_ you can do to change my mind about you."

She faltered, as the awareness of her pain sunk in again. As Cridhe slid off her knees and onto the ground, the Doctor tried to support her gently. He was at a loss; no one had ever spoken to him like this. _She_ had only spoken like this once before. But he hadn’t realised how much she meant it until now. “Then why would you think I would feel differently about you, now that I know your past?”

Her face contorted at the thought. Then she quoted him. “’The only way anyone can live in peace is if they're prepared to forgive.’”

He nodded. “You do realise that I learned that from you, right?”

They both went silent, caught in their own thoughts. She whimpered, bringing him out of his reverie. "I want to go back to Earth now."

He knew that she would not hold the Vortex Manipulator against him now, but he was concerned if she would survive the transport. Then, he heard the sound of gravel moving. He scanned around him and the ground all around them was moving, like grass in the wind. It was closing in on them from all sides. He quickly unbuttoned his sleeve, rolled it up, and set the return coordinates. He hoped he could transport them into the Police Box rather than near it. But it was hard to say. Vortex Manipulators weren’t as precise as he liked.

He grabbed his jacket, coat, and tried to carefully gather Cridhe into his arms. Then held her hand to the wrist-strap and activated it.


	11. Chapter 11

They materialised in the Console Room of the Police Box. The Doctor shook his head a few times to reorient himself. Cridhe was unconscious. He knew the med-bay was close, so he picked her up and carried her to the room. He laid her on one of the beds and scavenged around the medical equipment while cursing under his breath that most of the equipment relied on her interface and so now would be rendered useless. Once he had found everything he needed, he returned to her side. He took a stethoscope and listened to her heart and lungs. Her lungs seemed fine although her breathing was a bit shallow. Her heart rate was a bit fast, but constant. Other than her lack of consciousness, she seemed out of immediate danger.

The Doctor took Cridhe's hand, gave it an encouraging squeeze, and was reminded again of the psychic connection. He really was daft! He kept forgetting who (and what) she is! He used the hand-held x-ray and scanned her head to toe. The hip and shoulder were in their proper places and no bones had been fractured. He put the machine away and looked back over her. He realised it would be best to get her out of her clothes. He slowly and carefully undressed each layer. Every so often, she would moan in pain. As he undressed her, he manoeuvred her so that she was lying on her stomach. He found a sheet and covered her lower half. Then he looked over her again. Her back was a mess. He had expected as much, but there were pieces of gravel lodged in her skin.

Examining the area, the Doctor knew this would have to heal the slow way. He found some tweezers, went to the console room to retrieve his magnifying lenses, returned to her bed, and began to pick the debris out of Cridhe's skin. She would moan, wince, or jerk in pain every so often. He hated that he could not give her any medicine, but he did not know what it would do to her. At the same time, he was comforted by the fact that she was reacting to pain. It meant that her unconscious state was a light one.

He began talking to her, mostly saying encouraging words of nothingness. It wasn’t much different from how he would talk with her when he would tinker. When he was satisfied that he had removed all the debris, he got some warm water and delicately as he could, he washed her back of the blood and grime. She hissed and stiffened at the first touch, but then settled into it. Once that was done, he pulled the sheet up, to cover the rest of her. Now, there was nothing he could do but wait. He pulled a chair near the table she was on, sat down, and took her hand in his. Her hum seemed strong and calm and he allowed himself to relax into it, while trying to send healing thoughts towards her.

The Doctor did not sleep. It was not just that he was not tired, but he was so concerned for Cridhe. He didn’t like being here, in the box without anyone else around. It felt oddly vulnerable. He looked down at Cridhe. He figured she must feel the same.

He decided he could chance setting the Vortex Manipulator to return them to Jack’s place, so that’s what he did. He then, got her tucked into bed, still on her stomach to give her back a chance to scab over. He went to look around Jack’s flat, but it seemed empty, so returned to Cridhe’s side.

His eyes were closed and he was focused on helping her heal. He was sat on the edge of the bed with his back to the door, so he did not notice the movements of someone in the flat. He then heard the voice of a woman’s in a Welsh accent. "Doctor? Doctor?"

Startled, he released Cridhe's hand as he fell off the bed. He came to his senses and saw a woman standing over him, with a gun pointed at him. She looked down staring intently. “I thought you were dead!”

The Doctor took a minute to come to his senses. “Gwen? Gwen Cooper-Williams?”

“Oi! You just stop talking, mate. I’m going t’call Jack and we’re going to turn you in.”

The Doctor was confused because he had forgotten the face he currently wore. “Gwen, it’s me. I’m the Doctor.”

“Nice try. John Frobisher. Former Permanent Secretary to the Home Office. Had a wife and two girls. You killed them and it’s your fault Ianto Jones is dead. Clearly didn’t manage to finish the job, so let me do the honours.”

“Gwen, Jack and I talked about this. Didn’t he tell you? I’m the Doctor.”

She shook her head. “Impossible.”

The Doctor slowly moved to stand. He kept his hands where Gwen could see them. “I don’t know how it happened. But I’m not that man.” He paused, trying to think of a way to convince her. “The first time I saw you, I asked if you were from an old Cardiff Family. And then I mentioned spatial genetic multiplicity.”

Gwen tilted her head and slowly lowered her gun, putting the safety back on. The Doctor nodded. “Thank you. I _really_ don’t like guns.”

And just as quickly, everything was back to normal. Well, as normal as things ever got. Gwen put her gun away. "I didn't mean to startle you, Jack had to run out and he asked me if I would check on you since I was in London for a few days."

The Doctor simply nodded. "How’s… Rhys? How's the little one?"

"She’s growing like a weed," she looked at the woman in the bed, " What happened? Jack said you had a guest with you. One of your companions?"

The Doctor nodded and shoved his and in his pockets. "Bit of a story, that."

Gwen became suspicious. "Is she all right?"

"Oh, she should be fine..." his voice trailed off. He really did not want to be having this conversation.

Gwen noticed the apprehension. "Well, I didn't mean to bother you, but when I saw your face….” Well, no need to finish that statement. Back to what she was sent here to do. “Is there anything I can get for you?"

He shook his head. "We can manage thanks."

She walked to a table, picked up paper and a pen and began to scribble on it. "I've gotta get back to Rhys and the baby – we’re supposed to be on vacation. Jack won't be back tonight," she informed him, "I'm giving you my contact numbers and Jack's. Don't hesitate to call if you need anything."

The Doctor nodded. "Thank you again."

She smiled, though it wavered slightly when she looked at him. "For as much as you've done for us, it's the least I can do. Goodnight, Doctor."

He nodded, "Goodnight, Gwen."

Gwen left and the Doctor smiled as he watched her leave. She had turned into such a strong and capable woman, especially after the events with the _456_ and Jack leaving them. _Oh, how he wished he could have been here..._

She used to be so skittish and untrusting. Now, she took control of the situation when needed, but also knew when defensive measures weren’t needed. UNIT could learn from her, though the Doctor understood why she might have gone into hiding. Still, her acceptance of his presence once she understood what was going on was remarkable. Although, he became sad as he thought about events in her life that would make any of that so easy to accept. He was touched she bore him no ill will for not being there during the events of the _456_. Maybe it was for the best, considering this face.

Gwen had contacted him to track Jack down after it was all over. He still wore the spiky hair and sand-shoes at that point. She still had Martha’s cell number stored in the computer server from when the Daleks had stolen Earth. He met with her and they had a long conversation, he had told her that he had discovered the video she had made during the terrible ordeal. She was surprised to see him shed several tears as they spoke. He told her that he would have come if he had any way to know. He explained how the _456_ had blocked all off-world methods of communication and had masked all other forms by broadcasting the everyday "Earth noise" that the universe was used to receiving. He did not tell her that he would not have been able to interfere, that this event was a fixed moment in time, even without his or Jack’s involvement.

Gwen had told the Doctor about Jack leaving. About how she had begged Jack not to run away and she told him Jack's last words to her, “Oh, yes I can.” The Doctor listened to everything Gwen had to say. He had ultimately told her that he could not "actively search." He recalled her sorrow at his answer. Therefore, he explained that Jack would return when he was ready and could not be forced into it. He assured her in a voice that had been more confident than he felt. Mostly, he had been afraid. He did not want to go find Jack only to have Jack reject her - or him.

Of course, the Doctor had left right away and searched for Jack. Jack had not been too hard to find. With the help of the TARDIS, a "fixed point in time" was easy to locate. For months, he had simply followed Jack, near enough to keep an eye on him, far enough away so he did not draw attention to himself. The Doctor sighed at the memories. It was the healing that had needed to happen that was difficult. Sure, he could have pushed into Jack's mind and tried to heal him that way, but there is a certain wisdom that comes from healing on the "slow path." He knew he was the only one who could help Jack. Jack's immortality, though "wrong," made them more alike than different. Although, he knew the Face of Boe would eventually die, there was comfort that he was not alone. There was comfort that there was one person out there that would not leave him for a good long time. _Or that had already left him and come back - messy thing, time_.

The Doctor sighed and turned his attention back to Cridhe. Her lips were cracking and she was licking them in her sleep: she was dehydrated. He went to the kitchen, found a glass, filled it with water, and then found a straw. Returning to her, he rested the tips of his fingers on her temple and reached into her mind. “ _You’re thirsty. Wake up and drink._ ”

She stirred slightly and moaned in pain. He put the straw to her lips and she drank a little before she returned to sleep. He set the tumbler down and stared at her while thoughtfully playing with her curls. He whispered, "Closed doors," into her ear. He hoped she would understand what he was about to do.

Cridhe had provided ways to heal the Doctor when he could not or would not heal himself – especially after what had happened after the Time War and the time he had spent in the Confession Dial, perhaps he could do the same for her. He placed his fingers on her temple and gently pushed against her mental barriers. It didn’t take much for him to slip into her mind. He pushed a bit harder and was able to find her current physical sense of being. He started with her feet and slowly worked his way up, paying special attention to the areas he knew were more damaged. He felt himself gasp at the pain she felt. He tried to focus on those areas, wishing he could think them better, hoping that caressing them would be enough. After he had explored her hip, he had to take a break.

The Doctor removed his hand from her temple, rested it on her head, and looked down on her. "Oh, Cridhe, why didn't you tell me you were in that much pain."

He did not expect an answer, but he heard a weak voice. "Didn't want to worry you."

He nearly jumped away, startled. He sat back down in the chair so they could look at each other comfortably. He smiled. "How long have you..."

She closed her eyes pushing back a wave of pain. "About the time you finished with my knee. Did not mean to startle you. Whatever you did, it has helped greatly."

He smiled at that.  "It was my pleasure."

He reached over for the glass of water, made her drink some, and then put it back. She sighed. "So, here we are, back to you taking care of me."

He looked at her and suddenly smirked. "You say that as if I'm not always fixing you."

She caught on and with a grin of her own. "Is that what you’re callin' it these days? Not ‘jiggery-pokery?’” She sighed becoming slightly serious. “Just no mallets until I have recovered, 'k?"

They both laughed lightly. It felt good to laugh. Again, there was a feeling of normalcy, even if it was the strangest thing either had ever experienced. As she started to laugh harder, she started to cough. "Easy," he said calmly, "You inhaled quite a bit of dirt and dust. Nothing permanent, but you have to be gentle on your lungs."

She nodded and rolled onto her side, pulling the sheet tightly around her. The Doctor reached out and they held hands. Their minds mingled in a mutual manner. After a few minutes of companionable silence, Cridhe released his hand. "I'm sorry that trip didn't go as planned."

He shook his head. "When have any of my trips gone as planned?"

They smiled at each other knowingly. Cridhe looked down at herself and realized she was again naked in his presence, or at least very nearly. She grinned and blushed, he looked at her. “What?”

She tried to regain her composure, but failed. “This is getting to be a habit.”

He looked at her. “Really? Have you forgotten all work I would do on your innards?”

She shook her head, blushing again. “I didn’t mean that. I meant… me… like this,” she gestured to herself.

He slowly raised an eyebrow, completely lost. She smirked. “You’re getting habitual about seeing me naked,” she blurted out before she lost her nerve.

He looked at her and nonchalantly spoke, “Well, easier access to make the necessary repairs. Speaking of which, I should finish what I started."

That calmed her. She did not know why she was so unnerved by what he might think of her in this body. She supposed he understood better than most. They were actually fears he held deep down every time he regenerated. His casualness reminded her that he accepted her and that more than anything calmed her. She nodded and got herself comfortable as she could.

He stood up, placed his fingers on her temples, and pushed into her physical being again. It was easier this time because she let him and he knew where he was going. The Doctor made a quick visit over Cridhe’s knee and hip again. She moved slightly as her hip was still a bit raw. Then he slowly and methodically worked his way up through the rest of her pained areas. By the time he reached her head, he could tell she was sleeping. He again resisted an urge to explore her mind and only focused on the physical aspects of her head. When he felt certain that she was no longer in any danger, he brought himself out. He smiled down on her, gently resting his hand on her head he spoke quietly. “Remember, ‘Rest is for the weary and sleep is for the dead.’”

The Doctor then left the bedroom and went to the kitchen; he was getting hungry and figured she would be too, when she woke up. When he reached the kitchen, he saw a group of bananas with a note next to them, “ _Doc, - Don’t know if you like them in this body, but I couldn’t resist. – Jack._ ”

He smiled at the note and took a banana. Jack really was out-doing himself in his care for them. As the Doctor munched on the banana, he realized this was the first time he had been alone since... well, in a way, since he had found his TARDIS all those years ago... and he did not know what to do with himself. When he had been in the Confession Dial, he knew he was alone, but he had kept himself entertained by using his Storm Room and talking to Clara. By doing that, he hadn’t really felt alone. Not like he felt right now.

He figured River had something to do with the feeling. He hadn’t had a proper companion since they had their time on Darillium. He just needed a break – not like the ones he’d taken after losing Donna or the Ponds – he still wanted to travel and help people, but he didn’t want to get attached. And maybe that is why Cridhe had taken such a drastic action.

The Doctor shoved his hands in his pockets as he explored the flat, he wanted to tinker, and at least if his hands were in his pockets, he would be less inclined to. He made quick work of his explorations – there really wasn’t much, then went back to check on Cridhe. She was still asleep and seemed peaceful.

He did not know why, but he missed the Police Box. Maybe this was a residual effect of having been without it for those four point five billion years. Maybe there was a secret fear that he would never need it again. However, the Doctor knew he was kidding himself with such thoughts. He wanted to run. Being alone with nothing to do only emphasized his loneliness all the more. At least in the Box, he could tinker. Besides, the gardens would need tending, since Cridhe was no longer looking after them. Yes, that was it! He would tend the gardens, after all the care Cridhe put into them, she would be quite disappointed if anything happened in her absence. He approached the front door and froze. He could not do it, it would not be right. She was not there and there would be no comfort for him. He hung his head and meandered back to the bedroom.

Cridhe was lying there, still asleep. The Doctor stared at her and realised the only time he found comfort was when she was humming in his head. He resisted the urge to take her hand. He had to learn to do this without her. He wanted to busy himself, so he found her clothes, took out the Sonic and began to make repairs. As he worked, he added a few improvements: making the pockets a bit bigger on the inside, reinforcing the material to withstand – occurrences – and adding a protective layer to act as sort of a padding - just in case. Once he was done, he found the laundry machines and cleaned the clothes. He smirked at himself. "Domestic, that's what I've become."

The Doctor found his way back to the bedroom. He sat down and took Cridhe's hand again, the welcomed and familiar hum filling him. He looked at Cridhe. She looked better than she had earlier. He raised the sheet slightly and noticed that her back was already starting to scab over. Whether that was due to his efforts, or something within her, he did not know, but he was glad for it. He looked around and found a light cotton t-shirt and carefully dressed her with it. He tried not to wake her as he replaced the sheet.

As Cridhe started to come to consciousness, she moaned softly. The Doctor thought she was in pain and moved toward her, intending to touch her mind and offer comfort. Before he got into position, she tossed off the sheet and sat up on her feet, crouched defensively, like a scared animal. She said nothing; there was just terror in her expression. He was not even sure she was completely awake yet, since she did not seem to recognise him. He was startled at her quick movements and put his hands up in the universal signal of surrender, which usually calmed frightened creatures. He remained silent. He did not know what had set her off and he did not want to make it worse. Besides, she was not looking at him she was looking through him: seeing a different landscape from the room she was currently in.

Cridhe spoke, "You don't have to hurt me... Yes, of course... No, no, please... NO!"

She flung herself off the bed and the Doctor caught her mid-air. They both fell to the ground. She landed on top of him. He grabbed her hands, which was the wrong move. The connection had been established. She looked at him and said, "You," low and almost animalistic. She snatched her hands free and began to beat him on his chest.

He lay there, letting her. “Fight me back! Come on, Master! Fight back!” she yelled.

He could not fight her; though he was shocked she had called him "Master."

At this point, she was not really hurting him, he could tell she was still dreaming – or having a nightmare, more accurately. Then, her eyes became vacant and she raised her fist in a more threatening way than before. As she was releasing everything she had into that punch, he caught her wrist with his hand. At the same time, he rolled over on top of her, trying to pin her to the cold floor.

The Doctor was not angry, so his sudden movements had gentleness to them, he was aware of her road rash. Cridhe was struggling under him. Finally, he had one of her wrists in each of his hands held above her head and he had her nearly immobilized on the floor with the force of his weight. Of course, that did not stop her from struggling. Suddenly, it was as if she realised what was happening to her. Her fighting shifted unexpectedly from anger to fear – no terror. She was so quick, the Doctor did not know what happened, but suddenly he was on his back and Cridhe was huddled in a corner on the far end of the room, covering her head with her arms. She was mumbling a series of “nos,” “stops,” “pleases,” and "sorrys." Scattered amongst those was the word, "Master."

He looked over at her and noticed her entire being was shaking. The red colour she had during her anger was drained and now she was hauntingly pale.

The Doctor did not know what to do: Cridhe was convinced he was the Master. When he thought back over the Year-That-Never-Was, it made some sense to him that for her, all Time Lords would look like the Master at some point. However, their relationship was different, surely she knew... He looked at her, huddled and scared... _Then again, maybe not_.

Odd thing, healing. You can only heal as much as you allow yourself to be healed, whether by your own methods or through the help of others. She had used the image of rape earlier. During all the time they worked on her physical well-being after The Year, she had never once used that image. Then again, she had never been human before, so perhaps she was having new insights of her experiences. " _The TARDIS - as she is now_ ," he hated just how right the Captain had been. He was out of his depth. Yet he knew he was the only one who could help her.

The Doctor very softly spoke her name. "Cridhe."

He saw immediately that every part of her tensed and he cursed himself under his breath. He wanted to gain back her trust, but really had no idea what the Master had done to her. He knew physically how she had been changed, they had discussed what it meant for her to open the rift and hold the paradox in place for a year, but he did not ask her about the Master. He had been too wrapped up in his own healing to even think what the Master might have done to her telepathically.

On the other hand, maybe he did have a sense of it and just did not want to face the pain and blocked it out. While he had been considering all of this, she seemed to release some of her tension. She was still in the same position, but he could tell her muscles were less tense. He crawled on the floor another meter towards her and then sat cross-legged, trying to make himself look as open and defenceless as possible, another gesture that worked well with frightened creatures. Using the same soft voice, but with inflections well known to both of them, he asked, "How's my Old Girl?"

Cridhe's body seemed to relax even more, but she only sighed softly. Without the psychic connection, he had no way to know what that actually meant, but he figured it was something along the lines of, " _Bad, really bad, but I don't want you to worry about me_."

He coaxed a bit louder. "You put all that energy into having a voice. Please use it... I like it."

She only moaned, but he could tell from the sound of it just how much pain she felt. Not that different from how she made the engines sound, when he thought about it. Of course, he had no idea if it was physical or emotional suffering, but decided to play it safe and assume both. She had lowered her arms just a bit and he could see her watching him between the gaps. He made sure not to make eye contact and he made to move ever so slightly towards her. She did not take her eyes off him, but when he noted she tensed up slightly, he froze.

The Doctor thought that he should not be offended by Cridhe’s response. Deep down, he knew she was not afraid of him. Nevertheless, he was hurt. It dawned on him that this must have been how she felt after his time on Midnight. That creature had taken his voice, his power and his very essence. Not that he would admit that last one to anyone, including – maybe especially – her. When he and Donna had returned to the TARDIS, he just could not stand to have her in his head. He had been cruel to her. He did not just ask her to back away, he did the mental equivalent of throwing her across the room, and then he put up all his mental barriers giving her no access to him whatsoever. When she would not do what he asked of her, he would aggressively attack the mechanics with the mallets.

One time, he was so raged, Donna put herself physically between him and the console and he had raised his hand to smack even her. He did not go through with the intent. The idea he would harm Donna was enough to scare the daylights out of him. It had taken weeks for the three of them to heal from those experiences. Donna and Cridhe had forged a special bond during that time. Donna was the one who had to keep a telepathic connection for Cridhe. Donna had acted like a conduit, so that the Doctor did not have to relate to Cridhe directly, but this way, Cridhe was not left without any connection.

Remembering this made his hearts ache. He realized he was no better than Kenodoxia. That action was no better than what the Master had done to her. No wonder she was calling him “Master.” They had never talked about how long the four point five billion years had been for her. She had been on Earth in 2015, but did she feel his loss as he had so keenly felt hers? Had it been as long for her? She had shut herself down… but that was another thing they had never discussed.

The Doctor now questioned if Cridhe ever forgave him for how he had treated her over the course of their lives. Now, he understood what she had felt like: wanting to help, but having every possible way blocked. Of course, she never gave up and neither would he.


End file.
